Friday, December 31, 2010

DisneyLand - The Myth

I don't believe in DisneyLand.  How can I believe in something that I can't see or touch!  In the mystery state of "Florida" or "California" there are supposed cartoon characters who dance around and wild carts that fly up a mile in the air and shoot back down to the earth all in safety!  Nonsense!

Now you may say, "Well we have pictures."  Ever hear of Photoshop?

"I've been to DisneyLand myself!"  You're nuts.  You are probably not psychologically healthy.

"I have a keychain right here to prove it!"  That's from Satan!

Don't pull my leg good sir.  Give me scientific evidence right here, right now, else I will forever deny the existence of this supposed DisneyLand.  There simply is not a place that can exist where youth never dies and there is no unhappiness.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Hot Fashion Items

Attention readers!  This is your one chance to get the upper-edge on those preppy friends you have who always seem to wear those popular clothes before they come in style.  That's right ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking about trendsetters, and this is your chance to be one now!  Lucky you!  Aren't you glad you've been following what I have to say?

Item Number One: Turtlenecks

These bad boys have been out for a while.  Just as the surfer waits for that killer wave, you just know the timing and tempo in between those waves.  Right now, turtlenecks are going to be hot hot hot!  You buy them right now before they can't be found in any store!  These wonderful articles of clothing grace around your neck highlighting the natural and intricate beauty of the Adam's Apple.  That bulge will no longer go unnoticed at parties and dances!  Attract those eyes where you want them to be drawn.

Item Number Two: Cardigans

Nothing warms the soul more than a sharply dressed youngster in a quaint cardigan.  It just yells, "I'm young!  I've got a mahogany book cabinet and fireplace in my future house!  I will be something great someday!"  Now, if you think that this article of clothing doesn't impress, think again!

Item Number Three: Handkerchiefs

People don't really like watching others blow their nose into these.  I'm not talking about those, but the fancy things you stick in your pockets with your suits (that you naturally wear everywhere you go).

Item Number Four: Ascots

How to fold your new ascot 
Fred from Scooby Doo sure knew what was up.  Mega sweet sweaters, awesome dress pants, and to  accentuate that delicious outfit he would don a bright blue ascot!  I remember looking as a kid around the room when Fred came on TV.  Every lady's jaw was dropped.  Gents, if we strive to find that special someone, remember to strap that good thing around your neck and get stylin'! 

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A Decent Food Review: Snackeries

"Blech!  That was single-handedly the worst package of Oreo knock-offs I've eaten in my life!"  "Jolly Moses! Was that a gummy bear or a tooth?"  You may or may not have heard people yell these exclamations after eating a nasty package of knock-off treats, whether in the cafeteria or in the emergency room.  Your pupils dilate!  Your palms get sweaty!  "What if that happens to me!?" starts to race through everyone's mind.  "If only there were but a few pointers of what nasty foods and treats I can avoid!"

Before you, reader, begin to scream in horror, take a deep breath.  Go take a drink of water.  Because I have analyzed here some of the most common snackeries that you may or may not find yourself subject to eating within the near future.  

Pre-Made Rice Krispie Treats

Well aren't these the American favorite.  Don't even have to get your lazy butt of your futon and throw marshmallows and cereal into a mixing bowl anymore.  What is this world coming to!  The homemade snackery we all know and love called Rice Krispie Treats are delicious.  But this prepackaged nonsense will be sure to send glass-like shards of evil cascading down your esophagus!  Forget the chewy factor; try chipping a corner of one of these off without first it chipping your tooth.  Avoid these at all costs!

Tootsie Rolls

These are okay,  if you like to snack mediocre.  True story: they invented tootsie rolls by taking all of the extra junk that comes off of other candy bars - the left overs.  So in short, these are the hot dogs of the candy world.  Maybe if you douse it in mustard it would make it a little more interesting... If you're trying to impress your date, throw in something a little more classy than this look-at-me-I'm-too-cheap-to-buy-a-real-candy snackery.


Some scientists speculate that nerds are merely those funny colored rocks taken from the bottom of aquariums with some sugar thrown on them.  I think that's about all you need to know about these.  Again, if you're going for the cheap-o motif, spot on.  Buy gallons of these at least, don't embarrass yourself and get those hockey fun-sized candies that wouldn't suffice as chicken feed.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Party Hard

You've had it!  That's enough exams, work, hopscotch practice, and violin lessons to suit you for the rest of your life!  You are more than ready to face this upcoming break with vigor and youthful sprite.  You don't want to spend your three-day weekend just sitting around the house with your halo cut outs and pizza candles pretending to have a party.  No sir!  That just doesn't cut the mustard this time around.  You had an especially hard week: it's time to party hard.  What exactly does party hard mean?  What's the difference between partying and partying hard?  Let me put it straight.  It's the difference between playing bingo at the elderly house and having a Star Wars marathon on the moon.

It takes true effort to party hard.

What does it take?  You have all of the finger foods prepped, you polished your china ware and finally fixed that enormous hole in the roof.  Ready to entertain?  Here is a good list of things to do and things not to do to party hard.

Things to do:

Invite beautiful people.  Let's face it.  When we go to parties, the first thing we scope out for are the beautiful people.  You know - the first chair trumpeter from high school, the quarterback, the kid from that one ska band, and so on.  If they're not there, neither are we.

Import entertainment.  Everybody wants to dance to a live DJ, go jump on those floaty castles, then perhaps peruse over to the petting zoo for a quick fix.  Now that's a party!

Keep the lights on low.  This will hide away those soda spills on the carpet and keep the guests guessing what laundry you forgot to extract from under the sink.  Thought this was used for just romantic things?  There's much more than meets the eye (pun intended).

Things not to do:

Buy things that have "party" written on them.  Those party and fun sized candy bars may look cute and cuddly, but they are far from it.  Mario Party also may seem fun for the first 5 rounds, but you'll be wishing you were dead 16 turns and 4 hours later.

Play smooth jazz.  Beware!  This may seem funny at a party, but in some cultures this is a token of enmity to your guests.  Don't get me wrong, I love jazz and play it at any occassion I get the chance (weddings, bat mitzvahs and that jazz - another pun!) but be considerate.  People want to dance!  Not slam poetry.

Invite the cops.  You will be one unpopular dude having the fuzz inspect every aspect of your party.  This is your time to break loose the chains of the Man!  Not to shackle yourself back up!

Well my dear Chronics, remember for the rest of this dandy holiday season, PARTY HARD!

Monday, December 27, 2010


So there is one thing I really do not get. Our fascination with the Cavemen. I hate Cavemen! They simply are not that cool! Can they play in jazz combos? Can they paintball? Can they even talk or tell funny jokes? NO! They cannot! What is it with you people!? You fawn over these prehistoric beings as if they are the next Brad Pitts! You put them on TV shows! Commercials! Movies! Use them for mascots! What the heck! They are dead for heaven sakes! They are extinct, they are dead and gone which is where they belong!

There is one movie that is coming out that infuriates me. I'm sure you guys have seen the previews of 10,000 BC. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Number ONE: Cavemen can't talk! Number TWO: Cavemen are ugly! Number THREE: The Sabertoothed Tiger is WAYYY out of proportion! Number FOUR: The pyramids didn't even EXIST in 10,000 BC! Number FIVE: Cavemen suck! Number SIX: Cavemen do NOT know how to play the digerido! Number SEVEN: It's just lame! They are not heroic, they kill things mercilessly and slaughter those helpless Egyptians in the movie for WHAT! A barbaric good time. Yes, go right ahead and take your kids to this movie, SHOW them what an embarassment humanity was in the infant stages, SHOW them how to be bloodthirsty jerks! Cavemen stink, they don't shower, they can't do basic math and they are all around just stupid. Just because you happen to out number a group of people building limestone towers in the desert doesn't mean you are great and mighty. That just means you were not playing Queensbury rules.

Another cavemen thing I'm not too fond of is the Flinstones. These guys are okay I guess, but come on! What kind of dinosaur would allow itself to be strapped up in a cutesly saddle and lift rocks for 8-hour shifts 5 days a week? None! Dinosaurs are dangerous, evil people! Cavemen clearly didn't have any say about whether or not they would allow them to ride on them or force them into slavery. Strangely enough, there is also a pelican found in that show, and according to the latest laws of evolution, the pelican came millions of years later. Huh, come to think of it so did the humans!

Remember these guys? They were offended with the comment "So easy even a caveman could do it." Shut up! Don't waste our time pretending these jerks are still alive and kicking, because they are not. Geico wasted millions of dollars into making a stupid commerical that turned out to be an even worse spinoff TV show that flopped in the first week of its showing. Surprise surprise, no one likes cavemen, at least I am not the only one.

So you say that I seem to have an unreasonable hatred for these guys. I sure do! Sue me! How do we even know that they even existed! Sure we see mummies from 10,000-15,000 years ago, but last time I checked both the sabre toothed tiger and the dinosaur were both extinct by that time. Get with the program people! Cavemen stink! Don't see 10,000 BC, don't support this quickly fading fad. Dont make a fool of yourself or you will definately look back in sheer terror and regret remembering how simply you were swayed by some stupid movie with flashy effects. I warn you: it is a one-sided fascination. Cavemen are heartless, selfish losers. End of story.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Bad Christmas Presents

Really mad at someone?  Want to ruin someone's Christmas?  Want your soon to be ex-girlfriend to be the butt of all the jokes for the next 6 months?  Picking that perfect gift isn't always easy.  Do you want something that disgusts?  Bores?  Embarrasses?  While I am a firm believer in matching the bad Christmas present with specific people to be the best way, there are a few options that can be resorted to while still maintaining that special air of enmity.


Now, you need to be careful with this gift, because there are a lot of people who would genuinely enjoy having one of these around.  Otherwise, this present is a sure snoozer!  You can be sure that this will be a slap in the face to your cousin in the marching band.  Or maybe give this to your Russian friend - they have no idea what to do with these things!  Watching the classic, "Oh crap, a dumb football" look wipe across the face of your victim is priceless!

Socks and Underwear

Oh the dreaded tubed socks and underwear.  There's almost nothing worse in the world than getting one of these!  This is a perfect assault on hygiene if your victim is a fairly unkempt person, or if they simply don't wear socks or underwear.  You know those kids - they live on the beaches, they skip school and things.  But if you want to make this one extra special, place this in a stocking showing your thoughtlessness of not even wanting to wrap it up in some old newspaper.

Key chain

So you're tired of your football fanatic brother breaking your trumpets after each high school football game.  You're sick of those jocks shoving you in lockers and knocking your homework out of your hands.  Well enough is enough!  Make sure they are with their girlfriend or someone they are trying desperately to impress.  "Who the ^#$&*!" echoes through the house, "I TOLD you not to tell anyone about my obsession for Minnie Mouse!"  Oh man.  You've got him backed in a corner!

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Beloved Eggnog

Sometimes I will drink a whole gallon.  Sure I'll feel like garbage afterwards, but who cares!  It's Christmas, and eggnog has hit the shelves.  I have as all have you have been waiting all year for this delectable beverage treat that only comes during the Yuletide season.  Nothing feels better than having that egg froth coat the inside of your mouth after whopping a sugary high upon your taste buds.  Are you on cloud nine?  Did you win the lottery?  Did your favorite soap star EJ just hook up with Samantha?  Even better.  You just drank yourself a not-so-healthy serving of eggnog.

The sad truth about
our beloved Egg Nog
Now you are probably wondering if this drink was heaven-sent.  Actually there is a history behind this drink.  There is a heated debate among scholars where the word "eggnog" came from.  Theory number one: the word "nog" could have derived from the term "noggin" - a small mug used to carry alcoholic drinks.  So a bartender would have made this eggs and milkish drink, thrown it into this noggin thing and bam.  There is is: eggnog.  Theory number two: the term could have been a mix between the words "egg" and "grog" - a Colonial term for alcoholic drinks during their time.  Then you can see the progression, "egg'n'grog" and then "eggnog".

You see, eggnog was not found in the pantry of the servant, nor even in the store of the merchant.  In Great Britain back in the good ol' times there weren't no refrigeration.  Uh-oh!  That means that only the rich aristocracy could afford expensive dairy products that were very difficult to keep fresh.  You can know when you top of your glass that this is literally a drink for kings.  In fact, during the 1800's it was to be made in very large amounts for noble and aristocratic parties and served cold.  One could even say that it was improper to throw a Christmas party without a good amount of eggnog ready for the late-night British partiers.

The British brought their eggnog drink over to America where farms were very prevalent - eggs and milk were a lot easier to come by than in the heavily-industrialized cities of Great Britain.  Add the cheap alcohol that was exported from Britain and what do you get?  Cheap eggnog all around!  It's said that even George Washington was a big fan of eggnog, concocting his own recipe including rye whiskey, sherry and rum.  Even before eggnog, you remember John Smith from the movie Pocahontas?  The REAL John Smith (he didn't wimp out and sail back to England) reports that eggnog was an available drink in Jamestown, the very first American settlement.  No wonder eggnog has such a strong hold on American's hearts! The drink became (naturally) wildly popular, and since then we have had this blessed drink on the shelves of almost every grocery store during the holiday season.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Surviving the Dentist's Office

We've all had nightmares of them as children.  For a good reason too.  What little kid likes to see a frayed-hair imp hop over and stick his mystery metal instruments into areas where candy should go?  You are strapped in that chair.  The door is closed so the only ones who can hear your screams are potential victims held hostage in the sinister "waiting room."  If only, you think to yourself, if I just read the Daily Chronicler today about how to survive the dentist.  Wipe those tears from your rosy cheeks, my man!  The dentist can assuredly be conquered with some practice and diligent training.

600 hours - Time to Awake.

This is the dreaded day.  Don't you worry - strap on your best jeans and bullet-proof vest (just in case).  Items that would be preferable for you to grab: your pistol, some flares, a grappling hook, tweezers and dynamite.  If you don't own any of the following items, get some.  Be sure to bring anything else dangerous or spy-ish that you might own.

800 hours - The "Waiting Room"

That old receptionist smiles at you trying to lull you into a sense of false security.  Don't buy it!  Stare her down and maybe mutter some choice words as you back away, keeping your hand on your gun.  She just may be packing heat herself.  You never know with these dentist types.

830 hours - The Chair

Just like those good days in Nam, you can't let those Vietnamese strap you into anything!  You can play by their rules, but the minute they force you to do something, you run out that door.  Don't look back.  In the event they do strap you down and lock the door, never break.  You can't compromise your mission - operation don't let those funny shaped metal things scrape your teeth!

900 hours - The Big Man

He rolls around like he knows what he's doing.  Here's his strategy.  He'll talk cute to you, "Did you go fishing this weekend?  How's your mom doing!"  You mouth off to him and don't let him know anything!  You're onto him.  You're not going to play his little game, let alone let him know your mother is a prisoner of war, just like you if you unfortunately have made it to this stage!  Step two of the dentists sinister scheme: get his fingers in your mouth.  He'll soften the idea of sticking whatever he wants in there.  See, look - he says - my fingers don't bite.  Everything will be okay!  Red flag!  Red flag!

Remember this very valuable rule: Every SINGLE time a dentist says, "Everything will be okay" or "You might feel a little bit of pain" you are in for some torture.  Do everything you can to flee from the scene.  Perhaps you can squirt that little water fountain in his face, or light some flares.

1030 hours - The Prison Release

Well, mission failed soldier.  He strapped that laughing gas on you and they went to town. Boy are you going to be sore for the next couple of weeks!

But this never forget.  You may have lost the battle, but you have not lost the war.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Magical Scented Candles - Who Are They?

I love them.  You love them.  We ALL love them - scented candles.  Who couldn't?  It will make the difference between a dull co-ed hanging out night to a saucy romantic evening.  But why stop there?  I mean, candles do definitely set the mood, but it appears that we only have certain "candle" occasions, such as the holidays, to freshen up the water closet, romantic dates and so on.  Here are some real, unique different candle scents available on the market.  And with these new scents come brand new ways to use them.

THE BACON CANDLE - Great for man parties.  There's simply no way anything could not get better by adding a little bacon to it.  Tacos, burgers, cakes, you name it!  Let's now add parties to the list, thank heavens.  We men know that we have just been WAITING for this candle to roll around.  There's nothing better than sport's chat with the light scent of meat dancing around the room.  Mm-mm!

THE CAMPFIRE CANDLE - For those who love the camping experience but not so much the outdoors aspect of it, this is a great way to enjoy those brisk fall nights with nature with the convenience of a TV but a few feet away!  It's easy: set up an artificial flame somewhere, put up some blankets and stick this candle in the corner of the room.  Off you go!  You're a regular Eagle Scout!

THE PIZZA CANDLE - You know those weekends.  You're playing video games while all of your friends and room mates are out with their girlfriends or wives or whatever.  You're alone.  You get the picture.  You wish that those cardboard cutouts would play Halo with you, but let's be serious - they don't really do a whole lot helping pretend you're hosting a party.  It's you and you alone.  Light up a Pizza Candle, and boy does it seem like a party every night!  Whether you are by yourself or if you're just too cheap to buy real pizza, you'll be the life of the party!  Give it a try!

THE SAWDUST CANDLE - Oh no!  You're manly neighbor Steve is coming over to the house to borrow a hammer!  He is going to be upset to see your garage in pristine, untouched condition.  No projects have been done by you lately!  Quick!  Run and grab the sawdust candle and throw some nails, hammers and oil on the garage floor!  Instant manhood is the name of this candle.

THE NEW CAR CANDLE - Have a blind friend?  Want to play a funny trick on him?  Invite him over to the house and sit him down and pretend you're driving in a new luxury car!  It will sure smell like it.  He will definitely be impressed!  At least until he finds out that you played a dirty trick on him, then he'll probably never come visit you again.

Dear readers, these are all indeed real candles.  Google them if you like, purchase them.  Find even stranger flavors and use them for even more novel situations!  Be sure to report to me and let me know how it goes!

Monday, December 20, 2010

So You Want to Join the Marching Band?

Spacing in between marchers is
HUGE.  That could be the difference
between 1st or last place in a
competition (keep on reading).
They are coming down the street.  Now all of the old cars and old people throwing candy are out of the way, it's time for the parade show stopper!  60 of the high school's finest and most popular come perusing through the streets blasting your favorite tunes from Earth, Wind and Fire to Mozart.  The clouds part.  The sun shines a little brighter.  Birds start to chirp.  That's right ladies and gents, the marching band is coming to town!  We all know what is on everyone's mind: How can I join the marching band?  When can I have my moment of fame as the 2nd piccolo player fifing away on a sick solo?  Well, as an experienced marching band member myself, let me tell you: while the fame and fortune are fantastic, it sure isn't easy!  Let's start from square one into shaping yourself from a lazy high school "student" to a fine-tuned marching machine!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.  Very funny.
"Band camp."  Doesn't look so fun,
does it?
First, there's band camp.  We all hear those jokes, "This one time at band camp."  Don't tell those jokes to your band friends.  Believe it or not, we've heard them all.  While for many band camp is a time of jollity and joke-telling, for those involved it is no laughing matter.  I remember waking up at the break of dawn in the summer thinking, "I don't know if I can handle another 8 hours of marching around in the hot, hot sun!"  But off I went in my car.  Boy, these are some grueling times - anywhere from 2-5 weeks in 8-12 hour shifts of marching, marching, marching!  If this doesn't turn a dedicated young man into a marching band hero, I don't know what will.  What is there to practice, you may ask?  You know all of those funny formations?  Those don't happen by chance!  They are painstakingly calculated by the band teacher for months on a top-end computer program.  Each "dot" on the program that moves about is assigned to a student, and the band learns their position for every 4 beats.  Sometimes we walk sideways.  Sometimes we walk straight.  Who knows what's coming up next!  It's the marching band!

The line on the left is a little crooked; you must
have straight lines for a perfect show.
So you survived band camp and those beastly summer parades.  Next step: football games.  It may be hard to avoid those cheerleaders who check you out the whole game, or having a loving audience tenderly crowd surf you over the edge of the bleachers.  There are many obstacles to focusing on playing your masterpieces and being the highlight of the show.  Good friend, it appears the opposing quarterback got sacked 82 years behind the line of scrimmage!  The audience screams, knowing that the marching band has got a special musical number up their sleeve for them.  Trumpets flare!  A one-hit wonder from Queen sounds throughout the stadium!  People dance!  Laughter of children and clapping along follows!  Huzzah!

An average high school band is anywhere from 60-120
people.  Anything larger is a logistical nightmare; this band
in all seriousness is very impressive how coordinated
 they are.
Now the fun is over.  Time to strap on those hats and plumes and head off to the big leagues: competitions.  You probably didn't know marching bands actually compete against each other, did you?  That's one of the major reasons of having these bands actually - back in the drum and corps days of the military they did these things all the time trying to outdo others showing their virtuosity.   Competitions are one of the most exciting times ever for a young marching band man.  You get four songs to play, and you have practiced them ten zillion times.  You are ready to rock.  You step out on the field, the speaker man announces your school and your name as a soloist in the upcoming song.  And off you go!  Be sure to step in time synchronized with everyone else!  There is a panel of judges watching your every move, docking you points like they're nothing. These people are ruthless!  Only the best of the best can come out on top.  The best part are announcing of the winners - maybe you won the best overall field show, best of the class, or even better - maybe you won the sweepstakes (the best overall in everything)!  That will sure put a little spring in your marching step for the next couple of months!

So you want to be in marching band?  I thought you would.  I have some links that can further educate you.  Enjoy! - create your own marching shows - watch for the jumping tuba player.  You know he's having a good time! - need to know ANYthing about marching band?  This will be sure to help you out.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Mysteries of the Deep Sea! Would They Make Good Pets?

We all love pets, but isn't it funny how we expect animals to look all the same way?  You know, two eyes, 2-8 legs in even amounts, symmetrical and things?  Wait until you plunge down into the horrible, horrible depths of the deep blue!  Some of those animals down there are down right creep-o!  I have nightmares facing off against these things.  Today I wanted to break the traditional norm of the domesticated pet in looking for more animals man can possibly have looming around his house hold.  Going where no man has ever gone before - the Ocean Floor!

The Dastardly Giant Isopod!

This thing has evil written all over it.  Yuck!  It's a scavenger on the bottoms of the Atlantic Ocean no doubt feeding on the corpses of children.  It's structure is similar to our friendly little black "rolly-pollies" we used to torture as children, but this guy is about 25x their size.  Imagine this nasty beast nibbling on your earlobe as your get ready to leap out of bed and put some Folgers in your cup.  No sir!  I don't want this thing ANYwhere near the wife or kids!

Let's rate this animal.

Cuddly: No
Nice: Doesn't look like it
Special Abilities: Eats garbage and crap

Would this make a nice pet: HECK NO!

Robot Fish
What the heck is this thing doing!?  I coudn't find a "scientific name" for this fish, so if you could enlighten me, that would be fantastic.  I have some questions for the dudes who found this thing!  I mean, if this is a real robot in the sea, shouldn't we be pretty worried that there is an underwater uprising against mankind?  This name leaves a lot of open-ended questions.  But, looking from the pet-lovers aspect, he is kinda cute.  He IS see-through, and what more could you ask for?  That's right up there with a lot of transparent-opaque substances we all know and love: balloons, jewelry, crystals, and so on.  Throw this dude on the list too!

The main problem is the lack of scientific information - do we buy him people to eat or feed him salads?  Most importantly, is this thing really a robot or not!  Although this is a very tempting option for a pet, I'm going to have to give this dude the following rating:

Cuddly: Yes
Nice: Looks like it, unless he's a real robot bend on destroying humans
Special Abilities: Being transparent.  Other than that, we don't know.

Would this make a nice pet: Not for the time being.  Sorry, mankind.

Viper Fish

Not even going there.  One word describes this fish: NASTY AND DANGEROUS!  It looks like this thing hasn't bathed for weeks!  When picking a pet from the deep sea, be weary!  There are many of these dude's relatives loafing about.

Cuddly: NO
Nice: NO
Special abilities: Scaring small children

Would this make a nice pet: Heavens, no!

Dumbo Octopus

Now this thing is adorable!  Feel like taking this guy out to the zoo, or out to the latest rock concert?  You and I both, brother.  These inquisitive creatures can grow up to 6 feet long and can even be see-through!  And boy are they easy to please!  Throw in some worms or those nasty crustaceans you keep finding under your pillow and he'll nibble them up!  And an added bonus - looking for that perfect pet that will impress your girlfriend?  You just found him.

Cuddly: Heck yes!
Nice: Duh!
Special Abilities: He has Dumbo ears!  How rad is that!

Would this make a nice pet: YES

Friday, December 17, 2010

The Magical World of Reniassance Fairs

Today is the day you think to yourself as you leap out of bed. You dive into your wardrobe and dig past the boring collection of everyday clothes that you have and grab your chainmail and gauntlets. It's the Renaissance Fair! The Renaissance Fair! Grab your bucklers and drowry and head over to the local Basilica! Don't forget to don your closed-hemlet and your travel sized lute! I tell you what, these things really are a ball. All of the excitement of a themepark without the fandangled roller coasters that have accidents all the time. Want to throw tomahawks at haystacks? Don't go to Disney World! Want to drink a gallon of beer then practice your spiked-mace skills? Can't do that at Six Flags!

One of the moments that the youngest child to the oldest Knight Hospitaleer look forward to is the Joust! The Joust! What more can someone ask for? These brave jousters lunge at each other with and before you know it the cuppers are whizzing past from one another and off flies a knight from his horse! Fursiously, the knight who fell pulls out a gun and starts shooting at the other knight while he himself pulls out a semiautomatic rifle! Gun fight! Nothing more exciting than a gun fight.

Up next we have the sword fight. People clammor around these fighters of fury as they chop of limbs and heads! Blood is spewn all over the dirt and members of the crowd are even being masssacred! Fun stuff! There is no where else in the world you can buy a turkey leg while getting to watch people getting slaughtered, live! Maybe except in Wisconsin. Man, that $300 for admittance sure payed off.

Some of these events are even held in different themes! There are "pirate ninja" themes," "Late Renaissance," and many more! Take a pick of any that you like. All will guarantee the finest quality of entertainment for you, your local cottagers as well as the unfavorable duke who still practices jus primae noctis!

And thus let me say: by my troth, I am off!

Thursday, December 16, 2010

How to Write a Power Ballad

You know those moments - you hop in the car.  You're at high school prom.  Maybe you're shopping for paint thinner.   Perhaps you are mowing the lawn.  And then it comes on the radio - The Final Countdown from Europe.  What merited such a fantastic treat for your ears?  Dear Neptune!  Fortune has smiled upon you today with a power ballad.  These powerful kinds of songs are a rarity - they are quite difficult to master but they are indeed life changing.  And when your everyday crosses one of these, a smile will be sure to be plastered to your face for the rest of the day.  Hearts tremble.  Knees shake.  Tears quagmulate!  You know the spirit of the Power Ballad has just rocked your soul.

You're converted.  This is your moment - you grasp the guitar neck firmly in your hand and count down with your garage band the final "3, 4!"  But nothing happens.  Are you in a slump?  Are you talentless?  No sir!  Don't let your spirits droop, dear mediocre musician!  This thing they call a "Power Ballad" is indeed a difficult thing to master!  What can you do to write your one-hit wonder?

1) Grow your hair out - we all know those music videos where a long, curly haired guitar man shreds some mean chords and sings his heart out.  Yes indeed, long hair will ensure you of Samson-like abilities on the guitar and unleashing the true passions and yearnings of your heart.  Don't forget to convulse your body as the spirit of rock takes over.

2) Find a mean keyboard player - these guys save the band.  Believe it or not, a lot of those funny Nintendo sounds in the background don't come from the guitar, but the delicious vanilla ivories of the Roland keyboard.  Hook that E-05 into your biggest amp available and let the magic happen - it will indeed "be the wind underneath your wings."

3) Write lyrics that you wouldn't dare repeat in any other circumstance - let's face it.  Men may be brave, but the intimate feelings of a breakup or desire to hold a girl's hand just don't belong in the boxing ring.  Only the truly manliest of men can open their heart and let their emotions soak into their music and therefore the hearts of their listeners.

4) Write something that sounds kind of sad.  And be sure to sing really, really loud at the chorus.  There will be no dry eye within earshot of your masterpiece.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Neighbors, neighbors!

We all love good neighbors.  There's nothing that cheers up the soul more than the neighbor popping his head above your window sill and give a cheery "Top of the morning to you!"  Good neighbor status is very desirable to say the least.  People pay top dollar for good neighborhoods.  How can we become a good neighbor?  What patterns can we follow from them to become good neighbors?  What's with all of these rhetorical questions?

The answer is on the way, as usual dear friends.


Tim Allen never had any problems getting advice from this good neighbor of his.  Who is this mystery man who hides half of his face?  Perhaps we are the same with our neighbors: half concealing our true selves while we reveal the more intimate part of our lives with them (our problems).  Good ol' Wilson is just a hop, skip and a jump away from any tool bench, marriage on the rocks, or problems with the boss.

You know you are a Wilson if:

  • You love to answer problems and questions with scriptures, historical questions or philosophy
  • You are always there for your friend and positively support them no matter what
  • You are patient if your advice is taken the wrong way
  • You love to hide your face

Doug Funny

That darn crabgrass needs to be mowed again?  Who can you rely on?  Good ol' Doug Funny.  He'll happily whip out his environmentally-friendly lawnmower and go to town on that lawn for just a few dollars!  Always there for your lawn needs, or if you need a band to play at your birthday party, or if you have a need to be a protagonist in a comic strip series.

You know you are a Doug if:
  • You are very loyal to your friends
  • You are inventive and are willing to do spontaneous things with your friends
  • You prefer a more artistic approach to solving the world's problems
  • You love to make all of your sound effects by yourself

Mr. Rogers

This is the epitome of good neighborliness.  Sweet sweaters that cover tats, awesome mail men who deliver epic packages and train sets make up this man's perfect world.  Welcome in!  Be sure to brush that snow off your loafers and sit by the couch as you sip hot chocolate is what Mr. Rogers is all about.  You won't be sorry you stopped by, no sir, not by one bit.

You know you are a Mr. Rogers if:
  • You are very compassionate to all people
  • You are fond of telling stories and reliving past experiences
  • You are soft and gentle by nature (even if you may have been a sniper for the Vietnam war)
  • You like sponges and soft blankets
What kind of neighbor are you?

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Social Tools Unknown to Man Before Today

Sometimes it's worth it just to take a break and look back at what mankind has accomplished.  We truly have made a lot of accomplishment since our primate ancestors decided to get a clue and build cars.  Remember those old days?  Back when you had to send messages by carrier pigeon to your beloved?  Or have a scribe write a love poem on a slab of stone that would take months to travel to another city?  Nowadays you can text some kid in China without batting an eyelash for less than a dollar.  What in the world!

Now for those of you who just found out cell phones exist and joined the 21st century with the rest of us, here are some general guidelines for the new, exciting way to maintain your friendships


1) Emoticons - only use them when serious and with caution.  Nothing will ruin your chances of impressing that girl down the street than a poorly placed smiley face.  But these are still a very vital part of conversation with those who you know very well.  A smiley face :) will be sure to sent a flirtatious message to that special someone; an angry face >:( may playfully mask your real feelings of wanting to legitimately strangle someone; and the ever classic winky face (a personal favorite) ;) is a tool that can be applied in many ways; try this instead of a text sometime.  It just may give your other texting idea a run for its money!

2) Doublesies - these are bad, bad, bad!  Be sure to only use these in case of extreme emergency; no one loves to be hassled and manhandled by a string of texts from another person.  The unspoken rule of texting etiquette is that you send one text, and do NOT send another one before you get one in return!  Caution!  Use of the doublesies is very dangerous and should only be performed by well-seasoned texters.

3) Actual text length - who likes getting long texts that could have been said in two lines?  No one!  If you want to play chess with me friend, do not be verbose about it!  Texting is the wrong time to spill your heart and soul into a lengthy poem.

Now, on the other side of the coin for my romantic texters, long length tends to be a good thing.  Just like a real conversation; if I walk up to a girl at the zoo and start hitting on her, asking questions like, "What's your name?" or "Where do you live? or "What's your blood type?", I know that she is not interested if she gives me blunt, stabbing answers like "Yes" or "No".  If they are interested, they will answer with a little spice, as they say.


1) Sending messages - not so cool.  Unless you have no other way of communication and are faced with the decision of using either carrier pigeons or Facebook messages, you may have permission to use Facebook.  But it still looks kind of tacky.  Especially if that's the main way you send your marriage invites and pester 6,000 people about your dance party.  Please use these sparingly.

2) Being online all the time - also not so cool.  You don't want to be that kid that everyone says, "Yeah, I was on at two in the morning and Steve was playing that dumb FarmVille game again."  Number one, if you're playing Farmville at two in the morning, take a hike.  Number two, Facebook is to enhance your real social life, not to be a substitute for it. Sorry to burst your bubble, that one kid who is on all the time.

3) Including your friends in your status - this is very cool.  There's nothing that will slap a platonic smile on the face of ANYone after reading about them in other's blogs.  Gadzooks.  That really is a fine way to start your day.

Second Life: the Virtual World

Introduction: a quick intro for those who don't know what this is.  You make an avatar (any way you like) - he can fly up and move from social groupings to social groupings.  You can build a virtual house, have a virtual job, and you can even take the money you have and convert it into their money.  Best part: you can work in the virtual world and convert your virtual money to actual money.  But that's a topic for another day.

1) Make a hot avatar - Beauty is definitely in the eye of the beholder.  A blue woman with sexy wings and a fluffy cat tail?  You know you'll be the talk of the virtual town!  Perhaps just take a more conservative approach - a 6'0" tall football player with rippling muscles?  You will definitely find yourself a virtual girlfriend within days.

2) Don't swear at people - I know this from personal experience.  It gets pretty personal pretty quick.  Don't go there.

3) When you get a virtual job, don't forget you still have a job in real life - this is definitely a tricky obstacle that many Second Life users must overcome.  The world and virtual reality is blended into a beautiful mesh of not knowing what's what.  Kind of like swimming - don't forget which direction is up!

Download your copy here:

Monday, December 13, 2010

A Threat to Mankind: Water Parks

We all have had some time spent at water parks. Aren't they fun? Guess again! Satan's playground is more like it. Where else do parents lose their common sense and allow their kids to go in mysterious dark tunnels that will spew you into a large body of frigid, terrible water? Where else do they allow their children to run on slick surfaces propped up 50 feet in the air? Nowhere! Now why do they look so fun? Same reason why all of Las Vegas is pretty much a neon sign that reads "Sinners, gamble your life here!" Evil is always deceptive, friends, evil wouldn't sell if it looked terrible.

Not convinced? Educate yourself. For those of you who are a little short on time let me just sum up this news story for you. There was a 14-year-old boy who was swallowed up in the depths of the wave pool. Thoughtlessly as he was just enjoying a school trip's swim, he foolishly plunged his body and his life in the watery grasp of death! Learn from this, please, don't make the same mistake as this poor child did. Beware, paying that $17.50 for admission is paying a $17.50 for a key to the grave.

That's not the worst part even. Waterslides are even more diabolical than those wave pools. I am sure you are aware that people have died all the times riding these bohemioths of doom. Here is yet another article. For those of you who do not have the time yet again to read this article, I will summaraize it again. The Shark Attack slide (properly named) KILLED a young woman as she was sliding down. She sure was having fun on the ride but the next thing officials knew was that there was a dead corpse floating in the 3-foot pool at the end. I am telling you, keep your children out of these mysterious tunnels! Evil spirits possess them. Fatality will ensure.

Where is the mother of all of these terrible waterslide parks? Well, take a wild guess. As you might have guessed, Tokyo. The same place that caused Godzilla to haunt the globe and anime to ruin quality TV. This is the modern day Babylon. This place is called "The Water Dome." It has the capacity to hold 100's of thousands! The roof is retractable! There is a false mountain of hope structured in it! Death is practically spray-painted in blood everywhere in this building, yet sadly people blindly flock to it expecting a good time. My plea is for those Japanese people to shut down that building! Burn it! Quaranitne it! Anything to prevent it from killing again or spawning more evilality.

That's a wrap for today: water parks are evil. Below is a picture of Satan himself.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

The Daily Chronicer - What We're About

Dear readers, I have a call for you today.  You may not be too sure what The Daily Chronicler's main aim is.  Well let me tell you.

Unveil the truth!  Let it ring through the streets and feed the mouths of orphans!  Let the mountains shiver and the cold air sing of of it!  Let it frost your cakes and water your mundane gardens of every day living!

This is my call, dear readers, fellow warriors in this great cause.  Pick up your arms!  Take the quilt that craftily covers the wrinkled unkempt bed of justice and iron out those wrinkles!

If you find anything that is worthy of the cause, feel free to email me at

Bretheren and Sisters, adieu for today.

Mr. Mackey

Friday, December 10, 2010

Want to Blow Some Serious Cash?

Hot dog!  It's payday!  Whether your flipping steaks at Sizzlers or running a multi-billion dollar corporation, you have to admit this is a regular holiday we all celebrate either publicly or in private.  Now that you've got a few sweet Hamiltons to throw around, what are you going to do with them?  Go to the dollar store?  Heck no!  Buy a cornucopia of candy bars from the town gas station?  Please, no!  You have been saving up to blow all your money on something fantastic.  This is the day.  But on what?  Well, let me make some suggestions.  I have done some serious research considering what I myself should use my hard earned cash on.

Marcoliani Sexy Cashmere & Lurex Knee-High Glitter Socks

I think this says enough for itself.  Want to walk around, feeling like you're stomping on dollar bills wherever you go?  Want to be the talk of the town?  Why not glide your glorious legs into some of these luxury socks?  Have these 80% cashmere, 17% nylon, 3% metallic Lurex message your legs as you march to your next book reading club?  I promise you dear ladies, these will not let you down!

Price: $89 

Outrage! Deluxe, the board game.

This is fun for the whole family!  This board is based on a detailed plan of the Tower of London.  Save the crown jewels is the name of this game, fellow knaves!  Wander through those halls knifing villains, walk around on this wonderful mahogany board (not really, or you might break it), zounds!  You're in for a British treat!  Don't forget your top hats and strumpets!

Total price: $14,900.00

The von Essen Platinum Club Sandwich

After a few rounds of Outrage! Deluxe, why not skip on over to your personal jet (or... maybe you could just walk or something) to Berkshire, England for a most delicious sandwich.  Bring your bibs! Your hand moisteners!  For once again, we are talking British here.  Walk into a five star hotel, slam this toasty treat into your facial orifice and masticate those tender meat cuts away!  Shazam!  You are now the classiest sandwich eater on the block!  Wait until you come home and tell your boss about this!

Total price: $197

Thursday, December 9, 2010

Yo-Yo Mania

Looking for a way to make new friends?  Impress your boss?  Something to keep your mind off the last soap?  Look no further!  Behold the advent of the yo-yo!  Fling it up.  Throw it down.  Do tricks all around!  Here's a true story about yours truly.  I was living in Ukraine for two years.  I found a yo-yo.  That was the best thing that had happened to me in a long time; I would mindlessly let that stringed miracle take away my stress and anxiety one swoop at a time.

It's therapeutic!

It's impressive!

It's an art.

Ever wonder how you as well can dive into such a deep hobby?  I know you have.  We all have wondered such questions.  Let me give you a few pieces of advice; don't buy those cheap three dollar yo-yos.  They lack weight and thereby really are lackluster in their ability to stall: the ability for a yo-yo to rotate in the air escaping the grip of the looped rope around the axle while still creating a slight amount of friction.  The rope that loops them is very low quality, causing knots and twists what most yo-yosters like to call certain curse words.  Don't venture there!  Don't be the embarrassment of the yo-yo community!  Good sir, if you are going to learn how to swim, don't wade in shallow waters; strap on those swimming trunks and dive into the deep end!

Go ahead and buy that $250 Duncan Cold Fusion!  Take it to a sonic cleaner: an ultrasonic 'bath' used to thoroughly clean a yo-yo, especially aiming for the ball bearings!  Slap on some Slick 8 string!  Install that starburst: a star shaped pattern around the axle which acts as a quick response system!  Throw out a freegen: a freehand maneuver in which the sleeping yo-yo is caused to being winding, where, when the yo-yo is approximately half wound, the counter weight is released and the momentum of the counterweight is released and the momentum of the counterweight in synchonation with the winding of the yo-yo causes the spin to be regenerated!  And you thought this was all a cake walk.  This stuff is serious, serious, serious!

Feel free to leave comments below to let me know your successes in the exciting world of yo-yo.

And for your entertainment and striving for excellence, here is a link to the hardest yo-yo trick in the world: the escape ladder.