Friday, January 28, 2011

The Intimate Lobster-Man Connection

Lobsters have a way with people.  They are rarely seen by human eyes in their natural habitat, galloping valiantly across the plains of the deep in search for romance.  Mostly people see their beautiful crimson shelled creatures boxed in sea-food restaurants.  They longingly gaze through their frosted jail-cage in hopes that the next passer-by won't be the one that selects them off the menu for a dinner devouring.

Needless to say Lobsters have an innate and developed capability to truly connect with someone's soul by gazing past their outward looks.  They stare, and you stare back, wondering for a split second if he is really trying to send you a telepathic message.  These are very special moments people, special indeed and we can't let them pass us by.  In the words of Eminem, "You gunna let it slip?"

This special Lobster-to-man soul connection is the true test of character.  Oftentimes we find crude, crude people who truly are looking out for only number one.  They will have the door opened to the Lobster-to-man moment and brush it aside remembering that he has slaved pushing papers to earn his $15.00 lobster dinner.  He needs this - he earned it.  He doesn't care who he has to step on, who he has to fry and dip in butter to reach the top.

If you are on a date with such a fellow, you better turn on your heels and sprint the other way - lest he fries you and butters YOU if you prove to be and obstacle to his success!

Then on the other hand, you have the true man - one who knows the feelings of his heart and searches for inspiration outside of his own sphere.  The lobster scurries to the glass - stares and the man stares back - that magic moment has sparked his heart!  This poor man will go to the menu and scratch off all the lobster entries he can find!  After his meal, this man will leave a very generous tip to the waitress, grab a crowbar, smash that lobsterish concentration camp and liberate their dear souls!

You see, there are more to the lobsters than meet the eye.  These majestic beings may possess little by way of man power or financial say, but they are truly tests of true character.  When you see those lobsters gazing hopelessly like an orphan tied to railroad tracks - let the good side of you free both your inner-man and the lobster.

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Things You Should Have Known By Now from Other Scary Movies

BooBoo is a cuddle-fish!Imagine yourself in the newest horror movie.  You're in a dark tunnel, and there are doors everywhere.  There is a killer clown who wants to take a cheese grater to your neck and have at it!  By thunder of Thor!  There's no stop button this time, bucko!  No turning on lights, no boyfriend or pet parrot to cuddle with, so what in the world do you do?  You don't want to wind up as a grated topping on a terror salad!

Here are a few tips on surviving your Scary Movie situation.

First, if there is blood on a door or you think a psycho killer is in a room, don't be an idiot and barge in!  We all scream at the TV "Don't go in there!  You know darn well he's going to knife you up the wazoo!"  You may think you're brave, maybe you thought your charm would win him over or who knows what idiotic thing is flashing through your mind.  Busting that door open is bursting open your lid to your own casket.  See footprints of blood leading to the door?  Take my advice friend, and let it be!

Next, remember if there is anyone in the shower or bathtub, whether it be you or your hot ex, get them out!  Out out out!  I can't recall a single scary movie where someone who took a warm bathing escapade and survived.  Trust me, until things settle down stick with the spongebaths and hand sanitizer.  There truly is nothing worse than having a wonderful fudgilicous shower enjoying every second of your water-treated experience, only for it to end with soap scum and your blood draining down the pipe.  No sir!  That will be sure to ruin your day a little!

If you know about something that is supernatural and doesn't want to be bugged, then don't bug it!  Do you have a rake that floats around and smashes itself around in the shed?  You better chain up that shed there buddy, before that mysterious rake satanically pistol whips you in the kneecaps!  Let it do it's own thing there in the shed.  There have been too many blundering idiots who march around their house and peek into those haunted basements or cursed bathrooms where the screams of she-who-must-not-be-named come out of every full moon.

I think the best way I can wrap all of this advice into one big statement could be: be cool.  If you keep your head and don't act like a drama queen then I think everything will be okay.  You will get away from that serial killer, as long as you, unlike many other once-living heroes of horror movies do, stay AWAY from the source of trouble and let them have their space!

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Robots - Part Three

There are real robots in the world friends.  The robots already have gotten a start on us, but we should react before they get the upper hand!  I want you to keep a copy of this article on your person at all times in the event you see one of these dastardly robots.  Watch out!

#1 - Micro Flying Robot

This robot is the smallest ever flying robot prototype.  It has a rotating camera that allows it to track what victims it will want to shoot with lasers and missiles.  The fool who invented this robot was no doubt bent on destroying young children and helpless elderly that can't jump into ditches and run away speedily from these flying terrors!

#2 - TOPIO: TOSY Ping Pong Playing Robot

The Japanese at the Tokyo International Robot Fair unveiled this Satan-inspired machine which will no doubt be the cause of much weeping.  No more will a human ever stand a chance of winning another ping pong medal!  No more will people dare to come within a 6 mile radius if this machine ever gets his rusty claws on a ping pong ball.  This is an instrument of death!

#3 - Actriod

This robot is an Android and it is creepy, creepy, creepy!  We've always had at least some one up on the robots - we can identify them from a mile away.  Nobody is going to mistake a spiky piece of machinery shooting corpses as anything but a robot.  Now these are made to blend in with the rest of us, and it will not a pretty site when you think you're tipping the doughnut man when he pulls out a mechanical arm and chips your teeth with it!


Readers, again - watch out for these things.  These are dangerous!

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Robots - Part Two

Robots have always been a scary subject.  Whoever disagrees is a fool!  Tell me that you don't feel a stroke of fear when a 30-foot robot rips away the living room wall and points a huge laser gun in your face.  Tell me that you don't find it frightening to know that robots are invading the working force.

Right now Japan uses about 320 robots of all sorts per 10,000 employees, while Germany uses 148 industrial robots per 10,000 robots, Italy 116, Sweden 99 and between 50 and 80 each in the United States, Finland, France, Spain, Austria, Denmark and Belgium, the Netherlands and Luxembourg.
In the car industry, there is one robot per 10 workers in Japan, Italy and Germany, it says.
Among the service robots, "medical robots, underwater robots, surveillance robots, demolition robots and many other types of robots for carrying out a multitude of tasks are doing very well," the report says.
So ahead and read the tear-jerking news report at

First the workplace, next your homes and your bedrooms!  These robots will stop at nothing to reach to the top.  There is one thing that the robots right now that is working very strongly in our favor: FEAR.  We need to realize what a horrible force these robots.  We need to be so afraid and fearful that anything might happen with them that we would be willing to start a revolt and even give up our own lives if necessary for the cause of eradicating this cancer from planet earth!

C-3PO e R2-D2The robots and their allies understand this perfectly.  They are working night and day to tear down this fear-wall that separates robots from reality.  Let's think about just one example in all the movies that are pro-robots.  C-3PO is a wolf in sheep's clothing!  He may be cute and charming in real life, but mind you that's only because Anthony Daniels a human has been tricked into that movie role.  Robots know no etiquette.  Robots know no love.  His shiny outer-covering is only skin-deep beauty as we see right through the robots demise - they want to make us think that robots are our friends.  You try playing patty cake with your neighbor's robot vacuum and see how playful it is then.

So before you thoughtlessly purchase your child those Lego Robotics, stop and take a deep breath.  You are about to take another step toward human domination.  Don't let them tear down that barrier.  Tell horror stories about robot Nazis to your grandkids!  Or the robots who live in their closet!  Or the androids or cyborgs that kidnapped grandpa after he got sick and went to the hospital.  Our younger generation needs to know that

We will not tolerate robots!

Monday, January 24, 2011

Robots - Part One

Readers, I would like to introduce you to a blogging legend who in part inspired me to begin my beloved series of the Daily Chronicler.  This good sir's name is Mr. Van Akin, and I will draw from his resources from time to time.  And as a way to treat him and his allowance of me to use his materials, I would like to celebrate with a three-part series of robots: a heated topic and favorite theme for Mr. Van Akin.

I turn the writing over to him:

I know we've been down this road before, but Readers, if there is anything that we learn from Terminator 2 and 3 it is that Robots never give up, or in other words, They'll be back! (Pun is much funnier when read in the voice of Arnold Schwarzenagger.) They are simply not content to just sit back and accept defeat. They will even travel through time if needs be. I know as is custom with humans, the trend to become lax and forgetful is a dangerous and common flaw. Many of you don't take to heart the real danger of robots due to the comforts and luxuries you think they might one day provide... Fools Move! Even if your robot is finely pedicuring your lawn it will do you no good, because you're six feet under with a lawn mower blade in the back, compliments of your completely untrustworthy robot. What is really disturbing is that the dawning of the Age of the Robot is upon us. We know that the great robot uprising is still in the somewhat distant future, but nonetheless, we humans forge onward in the name of "technological innovation" laying the foundation for robots and their inevitable uprising. There have been some recent current events that need discussing, and I'm gonna lay down some cold hard facts.

In a recent MSNBC article, author Bob Sullivan, explains how our common PCs are being used against us in a wild virus spreading attack that subcutaneously automates our PCs to spread infection through the web. The following snippet summarizes, but you may click the link for the whole story.
The Web, some say, has been turned into an operating system for criminals. Computer viruses that hijack PCs and turn them into electronic robots, or “bots,” have become the killer app. The operation of networks of hijacked computers is so lucrative that hackers are actually fighting electronic wars over them..."

Unsettling, no? Our common computers that we rely on so much daily are the birth places of the uprising. However, in the following article published by the BBC, discussion points to the ethical dilemmas of a robot co-habitation with human beings. Apparently, South Koreans are claiming that every Korean household will have a robot by the year 2015, and by 2018, they will be routinely performing surgery. The UK is suggesting that within 50 years robots be afforded the same civil rights as humans. A five member team is currently formulating the "Robot Ethics Charter;" a road map outlining acceptable behavior between robots and humans to maintain ethical, social and economic problems. I know, this is absolutely ridiculous! Read on for yourself:

Something else that needs to be shut down right now is a robot fighting competition called "BattleBots." This robotic ultimate fighting is the cock fighting of the 21st century. Rudimentary battle robots are constructed, thrown into a ring, and fought to the death! These competitions install fighting instincts and advanced battle tactics into robots CPUs. It's like we're training them to Kumate style to destroy us.

We all know Asimov's 3 Laws of Robotics:

- A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
- A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
- A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law
These are nice and dandy, but what about rogue scientists that decide to disregard these laws? Anarchy! I hope that you're all reading the assigned literature on "How to Survive a Robot Uprising." Namely the section that deals with hand-to-pincer combat. This book will save your life on day, but only if you've read it. People please, I implore, let's fight for humanity!

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The Importance of Birthday

A lovely spiritual lesson is one we all can find in the Book of Genesis. Our dear friend Joseph was locked in a cold dungeon and interpreted some dreams for dudes. One dude eventually worked his way up the ranks to being a buddy of the Pharoman. Well guess what. pharoman also had a funny dream in need of interpretation. He didn't know who to ask because none of his magician friends could tell him what it meant. Nuts!

Pharoman had a birthday and was all like, "Les birthday party hard my royal crew!" later that night there was a thumpin party at the Pharoman's crib. And tell me this isn't a coincidence, the jail bro who had his dream interpreted by Joseph was Pharoman's right hand party man. Jail bro told Pharoman about Joseph and hooked him up with dream telling skills.

Joseph came, saved Egypt. Mega sweet.

So what do we learn from this experience? Birthdays are very important and mist be celebrated. So good ALWAYS comes from birth celebration.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Power Naps

Sometimes we just feel too tired to care anymore.  Sometimes you just have to let that grilled cheese fry itself, or let that exam just pass on by.  You’ve never felt so tired!  You may be sick, narcoleptic, angry at life, a party animal, a politician, sleeping terribly, a possessor of a stiff bed, looking out for Zombies until sunrise, or maybe you just want to catch some sweet, sweet Z’s.  Sweet biscuits and gravy!  There’s nothing like the feeling of having a soft leather couch wrap you in its sensational embrace and lull you to sleep.

There are all sorts of ten-minute power naps.

The Guilty Nap – you know you should be in class right now, but you are instead passed out on the library couch.  So nice.

The Party Nap – you know you’re in for a wild Mario Kart tournament party later tonight, so you take that nap to recharge and get ready to go!

The Glutton’s Nap – those long naps you take after eating turkey sandwiches or other sleepy food things.

The Secret Nap – not supposed to take a nap?  Close the door to your office and crawl under the desk!  Run into the closet!  Lock the bathroom door!

The Nudist Nap – only reserved for the boldest of us

The Cat Nap – duh.

The Sick Nap – a one-way escape hatch from a world of runny noses and stuffed throats.

“What the crap!” Nap – When you wake up four or five hours later after hitting the couch for a few minutes of shut-eye.  These never happen when expected.  They are sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!

And yes, I was very tired when I wrote this.  I think I'm just about in the mood for a secret nap right about now.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Cheese Connoisseurs

Hey there gang.

What in the world will our fearless writer Ethan Mackey attack today? Which theme? Well ladies and gents I'm sure you will all be thrilled to read about the new addition to "The Daily Inquirer Series". Let's get a little edgy if you will with today's topic.

Cheese connoisseurs.

Who are these brave men sticking foreign molds, mystery milk processes and fuzzy green things alike in their mouths? Need I remind you, dear reader, I have just boldly declared the theme for today's reading but three lines above? Bingo. Cheese connoisseurs.

Let's think of some of the wonderful risks these men in action are willing to take while cheese consumers like you and I chomp on our cheese sticks - unawares of the great science put forth to produce these wonderful foodstuffs.

Let's look at number one. The vocab. Is this cheese strong? Sharp? Dull? While reading these terms may baffle the common mind, the trained ear and tongue will definitely harmonize with these fantastical descriptions. Ever read a book? I hope you have - remember when you read Curious George? What were the characters like? Flat. Static. They left way too much detail left out for the refined mind to truly understand what was going on in there. Sure it satisfied the toddler's hunger for a good bedtime story, but people! People! If you want some refined reading, try The Grapes of Wrath or some other worthy equal novel classic. Such it is with cheese. Who cares if you Beaufort is white? Or that it tastes kind of like swiss cheese if left under the sun? Good sir, you have a long connoisseur education awaiting you if you find this description satisfactory. Detail, detail, details!

Number two - what in the world are those moldy dots doing on that Roquefort and Stilton! Not for the faint of heart, the common man would not venture into such marshy grounds. Send in the specialist! "Roquefort!" cleverly thinks the connoisseur to himself swiping sweat off his stressed brow, "From the softness of the cheese and the exquisite pigment found in the fungi, this is most likely to be a member of the Bleu Cheese family!" Everyone holds their breath. The connoisseur grasps the cheese, and masticates the dairy product with brilliant form. Cheers abound! Trumpets sound! Men's tears fly to the ground! Yes, my brother, he has done it. We may now know with our indefatigable cheese lingo EXACTLY the wonderful flavors of this cheese without even getting our hands (or mouths) dirty.

So hats off to you, fearless leaders of the cheese community. We have much to thank you for.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Going to be Homeless Soon?

It's that exciting time in everybody's life.  When you are considering being homeless, you can know that you have stuck it to the Man to the max!  No paying your bills!  No more going to work!  You've played Guitar Hero so many times you can play all the expert songs blindfolded and with your feet.  This is the nirvana of "sticking it to the Man"; the next huge stage in life that can only be achieved once you have mastered all areas of nonconformisism.  So, pack your bags, grab some garbage sacks, and off go are in search of greater enlightenment in rebellion to authority!

So off you march from your past life of luxury and cushion into the world filled with pain and discomfort in search to bring your body to submission and letting your soul free!  Slam that door and never look back.  Embrace that frost bite, or those ketchup packets that you're about to snack on for dinner.  Who knows what kinds of adventures await you as you become acquainted with each new dark alley and other enlightened Transients?  If you ever do find yourself a more spiritually enlightening area, an important thing to remember is to find a nice shelter of sorts.  Cardboard boxes from higher end stores (such as Sharper Image) prove to be superior by scientists.  Apple crates are also excellent sources of shelter from the rain and sun.

As you become a little more experienced in your becoming one with nature, you will find that nature will support you.  As the birds in the air don't worry about what they're going to eat the next day, the forces of nature will bring good-willed people who will support you in your search for the next step beyond "Sticking it to the Man."  While you may not be feasting on foodstuffs of kings, you will receive enough nickels and parts of food that will meet your needs.

There are two destinies of the Transient.

The first: they will collapse and fall back into the system.  Some pick up their backs and boxes, realize their folly of throwing away a good former life and back they go with a little more gratitude and refreshed view.  This destiny is very desirable and worthy - while it may seem that they simply give up on their goal, they rather see higher wisdom and have new knowledge that very few of us have.

The second: there are some legendary Transients that pass onto a third state of which none know.  Not even those who go there know what it is!  But some may notice that some Transients pass away, some just disappear out of nowhere.  Who knows where these mysterious spiritual beings have disappeared to?

Maybe time will tell.  Maybe not!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Sinister Salads

What is the most unpleasant thing to have placed in front of you?  Scorpions?  Satan?  No, I would propose a salad!  I mean, who REALLY likes eating these nasty things?  Satan himself spits on salads!  I doubt he's even tasted one! They are bad news, and we would do the world a favor riding it of this terrible foodstuff.

Jagged teeth of the spinach leave are just WAITING to lodge themselves into your gums.  Those carrot spear-shaped shards are poised to wind up wrestling around your esophagus, causing you to choke away.  And the worst part, the seductive sauce sits for the kill.  That salad is packed with evil!  Burn it at the stake!  Stone it!  Take it to your priests to condemn them!  They have no place in an ideal society.  NO place.

A common symptom of zombies:
Overeating salads.  That's one
way to the dark word of the
undead.  I'm sure of it.
Let's think of ten reasons why these salads are evil:
1) They taste gross
2) People douse them in seductive sauces to make them somewhat appealing
3) It's animal food.  We are NOT animals!  Let's have some dignity!
4) Satan loves salads.  Because they cause misery
5) Hitler dressed up as a salad for Halloween
6) They are highly explosive when placed in gasoline
7) They can smother babies
8) It can be viewed as a mean gesture to small children to feed them this for dessert
9) Global warning
10) When you eat salads, you murder plants.

Okay, maybe I was running out of ideas there at the end, but join the cause!  BURN SALADS!  I have had enough of their teasings!  I'm NOT FAT!

Monday, January 17, 2011

How to Make a Grand Entrance

It tingles.  It sensationalizes.  It tears.  It inspires.

The smoke rises up and hazes the room.  Lasers flicker and zwoosh in fantastical shapes and patterns.  Gray clouds!  Green!  Yellow!  Flying sharks!  Then you look up at the ceiling and a hole is blasted through with a dynamitious force!  Then he comes down.  A long haired demi-god thunderously flings his oh so masculine fingers across the neck of the electric guitar as he wafts to the floor on a cloud of epicostrousy!  The divine muse reverberates throughout the entire world and thunder strikes!  Snakes fall from the ceiling!

Can you feel it, readers?  Can you taste it?  The glory emanating from that dear sire as he electrifies scores of fans by the power of his GRAND ENTRANCE?  It sends goosebumps from my hands to my kneecaps!  Can you imagine what kind of power you would possess if you could harness this fantastic power as your own?  Harness it, dear reader, and ride your glory stallion across the finish line of fame!  With a grand entrance, you are BOUND to get a promotion, find some readers for your blog, or impress that boy next door.  Or girl.

There are some noteworthy cousins of the grand entrance I'm sure we all have heard of before such as parkour, free falling, or perhaps even tap dancing.  But there simply is nothing to match the sheer power of the power entrance.  Maybe you've tried a few times yourself, donning a cape and leaping from tall obstructions only to receive a lukewarm applause.  How do you capitalize on these magic moments?  Because they are rare and hard to truly pull off.

Some general guidelines:

  • Music makes the entrance.  If you pick something lame like, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" or "Beethoven's 2nd Symphony," then you should probably hope you're making an entrance to a little girl's birthday party or something.  Pick a power ballad!  A face-shredding guitar solo is a MUST when you blast your way into the room!
  • The outfit is a key part in making a first impression.  Even if you pick a rockin' song, let's say "The Final Countdown" with a huge laser show to go with it, if you come in with socks and flip flops wearing your helicopter pajamas, that will probably have the adverse affect.  Man!  You want something that wows!  Something that blows minds!!  A tuxedo at least!  Please!  A cape as mentioned above is also an excellent neck apparatus that will leave the audience talking about you for the rest of the year.
  • Uniqueness of the venue merits bonus points.  Let's make sure we're not cliche busting in on rich people parties all the time, or on crime scenes.  No sir!  Try some new places!  A Star Trek convention would be an ideal place to try.  Another suggestion of mine: Try the Renaissance fair!  Use real lute players!  People with pointy hats should dance!  And as the medieval music starts rolling and fried turkey thighs are being tossed around, down comes the laser horse from the moon as you do 16 back flips out of it landing on an erupting volcano (of course, while playing the electric guitar).  I almost seize myself thinking about this beautiful scenario playing in my mind.
Well, there you have it, chumps!  Remember, if you want to impress anyone, if you want to boost your self esteem, or even if you're bored, this is definitely the way to go.  Go go go!

*Guitar-shredding solo* 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Thou Art the Movie Theatre!

Mmmmmmm!  You are a movie theatre.  You have a warm glow while somehow mysteriously always being a little cold to the touch.  You know, you may get a little sticky, your seats may get some gum on the underside, and you think to yourself, "Man!  Do I need a long shower!"  No fear, dear movie-theatre friend!  We all love you.  So much in fact we hire little dudes to come sponge-bath you after each long, hard day of work you put in.  Don't we all wish we could have that ourselves!  Man, you have got it nice!  You get your blood-line of candy restocked by the minute, those entertaining movies are yours to command - wowie!

But amidst the glamor and fanstasticalness of being a movie theatre, you sure do have some downsides.  People spit on you, they throw their garbage on you, and by Caesar's sash they even make out thanklessly in your splendid glory!  How can you truly bring happiness to all who step within your sanctimoneous doors when people aren't willing to cooperate?

So thus saith the movie theatre: The Six Commandments of Going to See a Motion Picture:

1) Thou shalt not laugh at the really stupid jokes and movie commercials.  You know who I'm talking about - the joker who loses his cool and guffaws at the lamest slap stick (and even knock knock) jokes no matter what they are.  You sir, the laughing menace, really cheese people off, so knock it off!

2) Thou shalt not make movies that have music that doesn't go with the movie at all.  This one makes me angry!  I was watching an animated movie or another about rescuing some girl, and some song comes on from Cake about building a religion!  This makes NO sense!  So stop it!

3) Thou shalt not be make-outy or cuddly in the middle of the movie theatre.  That's what the back row was made for, so you sickening couples don't make people who are going through break ups feel like strangling themselves.  Break ups are very hard you know!

4) Thou shalt not make annoying commentaries throughout the movie.  You may think you're real sly predicting the surprise ending 10 minutes into the movie, but really everyone is ready to jump on you and slap a piece of duct tape around your mouth.  Shush!

5) Thou shalt not complain about how the book was so much better than the movie.  You can take a hike and lock yourself in a library and suffocate yourself with books for all we care!  Beat it!

6) Thou shalt not be lengthy in your selection of candies and sugar treats.  Because, man, you suck!  We know those lines that stretch three times around the movie theatre are oh so boring.  Pick, pick, pick!  No more of your shenanigans!

Well, thus saith the movie theatre.  Please be kind.  Remember our dear friend rarely takes breaks or anything!  Scratch his back, and he'll scratch yours.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Not the Hiccups!

Hiccups are one of the most evil curses to plague mankind.  They are truly infuriating: no one likes being snickered at by their student peers while giving an intellectual discussion.  Hiccups are sure sneaky stinkers.  How does one overcome these Satan-spawned headaches when it falls upon oneself?  Well, you see there are a few things you really ought to know about those miserable hiccups before you put that noose around your neck. They are indeed curable!

Now in order to defeat these nasty things, you must first know that there are two variates of hiccups: the hiccup bout and the hiccup intractable.  The most common sort is the first - the hiccup bout.  Nasty hiccup demons sneak into your esophagus and cause you to hiccup for but a little bit.  So here is one solution to the problem: take the spiritual route and learn some good ol' fashioned patience: in the words of Ok GO, "This too shall pass."  Don't sweat it!  Now in the dangerous event you need to snipe someone and you can't hold your gun still, or you're about to have an egg-balancing race for Easter, you need to get rid of these darn hiccups and get rid of them right NOW!  Cripes!  Here are but a few remedies that you can try: breath into a paper bag, eat a spoonful of sugar, take a large drink of water, stuff an apple in your mouth and try to whistle, or gargle boiling water.  That last one works wonders!

Now if you find yourself with that noose around your neck, not sure how to beat your hiccup intractable (a hiccup that can last multiple years), you may need to take a more dramatic approach.  You may need to get surgery there dear friend.  There are also some medicines that you can try, so it looks like after you've had the hiccups for a couple of months you just may need to call in for the doctor (please refer to Surviving the Dentist article and use the same principles).  Hospitals sure may not be pretty as we've seen in all sorts of horror movies, but they sure can do some good sometimes.  Please do note, there have been actual deaths due to intractable hiccups!  Not giving this medical attention is a fool's move!  And if you may find yourself complaining, "Oh why me!  Why was I born!?" and so on, take heart!  There has been a case from Charles Osborne who hiccuped his way right through six decades, from 1922-1990.  If he can live a normal life riddled with those pesky hiccups, I believe that you can too.

Some fun facts about hiccups:

Pope Pius XII had long fits of hiccups.  Fortunately hiccups did not kill him, but a stroke.

If you have an animal that has hiccups, let it be!  Some believe that hiccups in animals signify the start of a growth spurt.

There is a killer Italian TV show called Mr. Hiccup who falls into unfortunate (and sometimes mischievous!) circumstances due to his intractable hiccups.  This TV show is a huge hit!  Grown men cry!

In 1833 the first medical treatment was given for regular hiccups: burning and scalding nerves that run along the neck.  Needless to say, we do not dabble with such dangerous black magic medicines nowadays.

There is no scientific proof showing that when someone thinks about you then you start hiccuping.  Because I know people think about me all the time, and I NEVER hiccup.

Dinosaurs probably didn't hiccup.  Despite this picture.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The Hat Critique, Episode One

Oh cripes!  It's a cold, blustery day today.  Fortunately you acquired a collection of novelty and fashion hats!  You sprint to your walk-in closet and hastily pull out a wild assortment of head wear and noggin lids!  Mega awesome! This is your day to your strut your stuff.  But please please do be very careful when selecting which head dress you will don today: some hats are hot and in, and some hats are out, out, out!

The Fedora:
What an eyesore!  Never, ever, EVER wear this awful hat.  I personally loathe it when people think they're super cool wearing these insults for caps.  Yuck!  Want to tell the world you're trying to be a wannabe gangster while maintaining the fashion of hobos and old people?  Then go ahead and grab this sinister head ware and slap it on your head.  Your head will be ashamed.  You will be sure to have slanted eye stares and whispered comments behind your back of despair!  Beware!

The Bowler Hat:
Now this is one hat that gets a bad rap (like my rhymes?).  Remember the bad guy in Meet the Robinsons?  He wore a bowler hat!  That jerk leprechaun that won't share those lucky charms with those orphaned children?  Bowler hat again!  Oh no!  While the media for some reason is out to tarnish the good name of the Bowler Hat, I believe these hats are only for the sleekest, most beautiful, and dare I say the most... fatuous (gasp) of stylish dressers.  Bring it on ladies!  There's more than plenty for all!

This is what the bowler hat screams to the world.

As the Spanish would say, "Sombreros roca mi mundo!"  This style of hat spices up any occasion!  Whether it  be a business meeting, a funeral or a wedding, you will be sure to bring smiles to the faces of the forlorn.  Look at you!  Legend also has it that the magical Sombrero de fantasías allocates a faster mustache and facial hair growing rate!

So you see dear readers, you simply MUST select the proper hat for the proper occasion, lest you look like a  fool.  Make it a matter of serious meditation, and I promise good sirs, you simply can't go wrong.  The world will be your oyster.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Extreme Phobias

Phobias. We all have them. Let's be honest and let it out. Let's do the healthy thing and just admit it. Yell it if you have to. Let me be the first to admit that I am horrified of the squeaking noise that Styrofoam makes when you rub it together. It drives me bananas. But people, I want to take just a minute and take a look at some quite unusual phobias. I feel very sorry for the people who are stuck with these phobias - I can only imagine what life would be like for them. Let's take a look at some of the stranger side of phobias.

Ablutophobia- Fear of washing or bathing. No comment.

Alektorophobia- Fear of chickens. Goodbye wonderful things of life, like KFC and petting farms.

Ballistophobia- Fear of missiles or bullets. Who doesn't have this one, especially when they're flying right at you?

Bogyphobia - Fear of the bogeyman. Once again, who doesn't have this one?

Genuphobia- Fear of knees. I suppose those who have this have been kneed in the face as young children. That's my only guess.

Hexakosioihexekontahexaphobia - Fear of the number 666. Try saying that five times fast.

Judeophobia - Fear of Jews. How in the world?... Who could hate these lovely people? Just because they don't use electricity and have that Gold Bible.

Lachanophobia - Fear of vegetables. Probably found in the creators of the movie hit "The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes."

Ornithophobia - Fear of birds. I even know a guy who knows a guy who can't have a driver's license because he has a severe case of this.

Peladophobia - Fear of bald people. I actually think I have this one. I saw Franklin Covey give a speech, and it scared the pants off of me.

Pteronophobia- Fear of being tickled by feathers. Man I sure hate those terrible, ugly feathers!

Pupaphobia - Fear of puppets. Once again, these poor guys miss out on some of the great things in life. Muppets, Sesamie Street, Chuckie...

Rhabdophobia - Fear of being severely punished or beaten by a rod. Another one that I think is totally logical.

Vestiphobia - Fear of clothing. This actually answers a lot of questions that I've had about people like streakers...

Well, there you go gang. Consider yourself a little more educated. What do you do when you run into these people? How can you assist them? Be mindful, of course, and do everything you can to accommodate their needs.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Unsung Superheroes

Sometimes I wonder to myself as I pick up a comic book, "What in the world was this guy thinking?  I mean, I know that almost all of the super powers ever have already been used up for other superheroes, but this guy is just lame."  Don't you just feel like throwing your grandmother down a staircase when you read a comic book with a stale super hero?  Heaven knows I sure do!  There's nothing more I hate than being bored with the same laser-vision shooting, flying, bullet reflecting super hero!  We already have enough of those!

Here are some superheroes you probably have never heard of.  You should give these young crime fighters a try!

Matter-Eater Lad

This incredible superhero hails from the planet Bismoll (as we all know the popular medicine Pepto-Bismoll was named after) and can eat anything!  ANYthing!  How incredible!  How splendid!  Want to get rid of that WWII boat collection you have loafing around in the backyard, but don't want to be litterious?  Call this dynamic hero over!  Have an evil villain planting bombs in cakes at random?  Call him!  Tired of your kid kicking you in the shins every time you tell him to turn the TV off?  You get the message.

Arm Fall Off Boy

Ever wish you were more like Mr. Potato head?  Can't quite reach those keys you threw under the couch accidentally?  Wish you could pop off your arm and extend your reaching radius twofold?  This is the super hero for you.  This wonderful guy can do just that - pop off his miraculous arm and use it as a harsh weapon to punish vile criminals!

Generation Telsa

This Serbian superhero I guess has the ability to resurrect dead people.  Legend has it that he evaded his own death by somehow transferring into a different plane.  While he was over there, he brought back a couple of other people who died and brought them back with superpowers!  Keen!  Your grandma is going to be so much cooler the second time around.

The Color Kid

This obviously isn't him.  Sorry guys.

"#@&$!! Those drapes are the wrong color of taupe!  Now the whole color scheme of the kitchen is OFF!"  My purple-faced balding friend!  I bear good tidings!  There is a superhero whose superpower is to change colors.  That's right.  He was hit by a freak color beam from another dimension, and of course scientifically that means he can naturally change any color he wants at will!  Those drapes will not only be the right color, but be the talk of the town.

Remember kids, there are plenty of new and exciting heroes to meet!  Let them inspire you to find your own inner-unsung hero!

Monday, January 10, 2011

Cowboy up!

Some mornings we wake up with frazzled hair wondering what day of the week it is.  We glance around the room, remember that it's Monday and curse the heaven and skies with a bolstering voice.

Some mornings we wake up ready to take on the world.  We strap on our leather cowboy hats, saddle our stupendous steeds and ride off into the sunrise ready to conquer the world.  Hot dog!  These mornings are indeed rarities, so you better not let them go to waste!

So partner, saddle up!  Grab your Wisconsin revolver and T-bone power whip and off you go with spurs clinking against your kitchen tile floor!  But bad news there, Dirty Dan - you still got some work to do before you can pass as an authentic cowboy and kick through those funny doors at the saloon.  There are some key indicators which show your true inner-cowboy.

One of them is choosing a nickname/pretended middle name.  You know, those cool words in the " marks in between first and last names?  That's what you need.  Trust me - there is instant respect when you introduce yourself as Sam "Spank 'em hard" Smitty to a group of ruffians and out-of-line sheriffs.  Want to spook a bank thief out from starting a shoot out?  Just remember to tell him your name is Tex "The Iron Rake" Anderson.  Bam!  What a jab to his security!  So remember, you need this additional name if you want to make a difference in the cowboy universe.

Another important thing to remember is the use of insults.  This is a big one.  Don't you dare call a thief a "sissy" or "dummy" if other cowboys are in earshot; lest you become the butt of all the jokes in the town.  If you have to, think of some!  Write them down and memorize them!  Keep them on a 3x5 note card just in case you find yourself in a pinch - there's nothing more embarrassing than having all the town watch you about to shoot out with a villain only to say, "Hey, you... chicken face!  Reach for the sky!"  You might as well place that bullet in your own head.  Although it may be a novice move, simply whip out that manila note card - that will sure save you some embarrassment!

Remember above all, that the cowboys are the good guys.  It might be easy to get crusty and have a rotten attitude about life after being shot your first time, but hang in there dude!  If you just hang in there and do your part, you will live to see the day that every little cowbowette dreams of!  Saddling your wonderful steed after a tough fight, hitting on a hot girl and riding off into that magical sunset.

Saturday, January 8, 2011

Road Raaaage!

It's everyone's favorite time of day.  You buckle in your seat at 5:05pm ready for the wave of traffic.  You're fully armed with pistol, hockey pucks, tear gas and you're ready to rock and roll!  Hold on baby, cause it's time for some fully unleashed road rage!  Yeehaw!  Never mind that boring day at the office or that your co-worker nemesis tactfully crushed your fingers down the paper shredder again, this is your time to let it all out.  It really is a magical time of day where curse words and intense, temporary hatred are in abundance.  So how do you get the most of your 30 minutes in bumper-to-bumper traffic?

Here are some common mistakes that rookies make:

Two brownie points for the
person who can tell me the
Rookie Mistake being
committed here!
  • Be courteous and let the driver some space when driving.  Wrong, wrong, wrong!  I promise that if you ride his bumper, hitting it a couple of times with some car honks, you will have an enraged man pounding at your window demanding you open the window.  Get those brass knuckles ready!
  • Communicate.  When that dude comes up pounding his flabby 3-pound fist on your window, don't talk to him.  Don't even make eye contact!  This will definitely elevate your road rage experience to new heights! Also, remember this is like a game of chess where you don't want your opponent knowing your next move.  Don't use blinkers, don't signal, don't wave, don't do anything!
  • Forget to bring ammunition.  In the worst cases, you may have the urge to throw something out of your car.  You can use baby seats (without the baby in them hopefully), soda drinks, or Mario's favorite, banana peels and turtle shells.  Yes!
  • Keep your hands on the wheel.  No baby, this is the time to let your arms and fingers fly!  There are all sorts of colorful gestures that will be sure to catch the attention of all nearby drivers: the bird, the accusing point, the gun, use your imagination!  Heck, if you know sign language, why not throw in a few swear words!
  • Turn the music down.  No way, Jose!  Turn on the loudest sub-thumping rap song you've got and go to town!
This is your hour!  Let your emotions soar as you go out and have a good time!  Happy road-raging!

Friday, January 7, 2011

How to survive a Zombie Attack

We all watch those movies.  We all stay wide awake in our beds with a shotgun firmly grasped in our hands waiting for those zombies to come bumbling through the study room window.  Wise move, my good friend!  Who knows when those horrid zombies are going to come!  You must always be prepared: who wants a messy zombie attack while they are caught in the shower or watching their favorite soap?  Nobody - that's who!  We all know it's pretty much inevitable.  With all of these mysterious medical advancements and talk of the last days and things (see the New Years post), we're pretty much caught in a corner.

So when you find yourself sweating bullets, cocking your pistol ready to blast that Nazi zombie to smithereens, what are you going to do next?  How will you survive your next zombie panic?

First, don't panic.  Find some cover.  It's common knowledge to the movie buff or video gamer that zombies usually tear through things to get to their victims.  They usually don't have the common sense or decency to use the door, so they will tear at bricks, plywood, barbed wire, anything!  So find yourself some good cover, preferably something you can patch up really quick with a few pieces of wood or a zombie corpse.

Second, find yourself a weapon that either A) has a lot of ammo or B) that doesn't need ammo like a shovel or ice pick or something.  Point A shouldn't be too hard.  Just be sure to break into your piggy bank the next chance you have and blow that wedding ring money on some zombie repelling artifices!  Simple enough.  Point B isn't too bad either - the next time you run into a cop simply talk with him about doughnuts or something all cops like, grab his club or pick ax, and then run like the dickens!  One step closer to surviving the zombie onslaught!

Third, find a hot chick.  This is a FANTASTIC time for those video gamers to find a hot girlfriend.  We see it all the time on TV.  When people's lives are in danger, they will grab romance and eat it up like free samples at Walmart!  So dear Zombie renegade, dish away those gouda samplers of romance away!  Let those zombies bring you two closer and closer until that special day where you look at your new girlfriend and say, "I do" in the zombie sanctuary, which will probably be located way up north in the mountains (zombies hate wearing sweaters).

So the next time you find yourself wide awake at night with that gun cocked and ready to go, you'll know what to do when those zombies come looking for trouble!

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Wheels, wheels.

There are far too many options for wheels these days. No no ladies, I'm not talking about Mercedes or other fine pieces of automobile machineries, I am referring to the unwelcoming entrepreneur toddler gimmicks that are plaguing our roads! Sure we grown adults (yes, I am now 21, a legal adult in any state) don't fall for these silly things, at least the sensible ones of us. But we need to do our part in boo-ing and eliminating eventually the cancer of the highways. Let me begin by taking a look at a few number of these things.

The SEGWAY - Granted, these things are pretty sweet. No pushing, no sweating, no danger of falling off at high speeds, but let's face it. These things are lazy lazy lazy! You've got two legs there pal. You're even using them like you normally do almost standing up and leaning backwards and forwards. The only thing this saves you from doing is lifting your knees. They are everywhere in New York malls, cops ride them, pretty soon everyone will be riding one of these. Now I can see an occasional joy ride being in order every now and then, but please! Officers! Place down the coffee and doughnuts and get some jogging in.

"HEELYS" - These dangerous looking things are called "Heelys". You're probably thinking to yourself, "Hey! Those don't follow proper English phonetic rules!" Right you are. Well, let's look at the geniuses who came up with the name - I wonder what they were thinking when they came up with the concept for these bad boys. "How would it be if we could attach some sort of banana peel to the bottom of a shoe allowing them to slip and fall whenever they want to?" Well this is exactly what you have! I feel sorry for the young tat who straps these wheelers on his feet. When one sees a banana peel on the ground (the dangerous things they are), who would think to themselves, "I ought to jump right on that and slide around!" Common sense, of course, screams no no no! Yet, these seemingly stylish shoes prove to be a monkey-hand trap. Kids, you must detach these death-bearers on wheels no matter how stylish they are, and I am willing to bet that your life expectancy will shoot through the roof.

RIPSTIK. What in the world is this thing? A skateboard? A two-wheeled ticket to the hospital? Get this. It is in fact both of those things wrapped into ONE - the Ripstik. We can see that the phonetics are also very skewed on this one as well - who names these things? The same maniac who pockets a few bucks as the kids ride their way to the ER. What are the dangers of riding these things, you may be thinking to yourself. One, let's think about this. Take your skateboard, brake it in the middle so it can twist a little, and then take two wheels off of it. Good idea? I think not. Two, come on. Really? And three, this thing really doesn't look that cool. If you want to look cool, take your torn up skateboard, or your bike. Something traditional. Let's not be silly here.

Well, I hope I have swayed some of you from purchasing some of the rather ludicrous wheeled items on the market, no matter who tells us what a good deal it is. It's not the $9.99 you should be worried about; but lameness, danger, and more lameness is the real price you pay - and good sirs, there comes not a receipt with those from which you can return your dignity.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Power of Snuggie

There is a fashion sensation that is sweeping the nation.  It's a bigger illumination than a spotlight on a crustacean plantation.  What's with the new fascination in the name of creation?  Well, no more frustration, because SHAZAM world, here are Snuggies!  Sweet tear drops of Moses!  Now you can hold a cold one in your right hand, the remote in your left while not leaving the sweet sweet comfort of that beloved warm embrace of a blanket.  This is what we all have been dreaming for.  This is the pinnacle of civilization and all good that we have been working towards.  Snuggies!

They will make you instant hits at parties.  They will find you a girlfriend.  They vibrate when gold is nearby!  These splendid clothing treats are heaven sent and can be found nearly in any nearby store.  What luck!  What good fortune!

So now you're back with that Snuggie in your arms that you just bought from the hardware store.  What do you do now?

Party.  This will be sure to earn you some easy popularity points, as well as attractive points with the ladies.  Cook.  Your cooking skills will be greatly enhanced due to the aerodynamic factor.  I bet.  Play basketball.  Your basketball tourney rivals don't stand a chance tripping all over your Snuggie as you graciously slam dunk the ball for the 100th time.  Assassinate people the government tells you to.  You'll blend right in with those pillows and blankets on the couch while still being able to valiantly wield a pistol.  You may also suffocate someone with your Snuggie as a secondary weapon.  Sleep.  You will have wild, vivid dreams!  Perform surgeries.  Out of sight, out of mind.  Dump your girlfriend.  The Snuggie contains a magical characteristic that deflects negativity and bad emotions (unless the wearer has already begun to be negative).

I'm sure once you try out your Snuggie in different places, you will find THOUSANDS of applications!  Let me know how it goes!

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Why Monkeys?

People love to watch them at their zoos.  They love to see them dance in their streets.  Those monkeys are even making their way into Broadway hits and Hollywood motion pictures.  What's the deal with all of these smelly monkeys?  I don't mean to be disrespectful or anything, but this is a fascination I simply do not understand. Monkeys are trouble, trouble, trouble!

Number one: Monkeys are too much like real people.  I know that they may seem curious, but how would you feel if instead of two monkeys throwing rocks at each other it was two short, hairy, nude men?  Not so pleasing anymore, now is it?  The behavior that monkeys exhibit is simply unacceptable!  Yet, we clap and giggle and guffaw when we watch these primates go at it!  We simply can't have this nonsense going on.

Number two: Monkeys steal!  They certainly do.  I know we all have read those reports about those Indian monkeys stealing cell phones and other important items from people's homes and getting away with it.  Arrest those monkeys!  The government is reacting appropriately; choosing to consider harsher law enforcement for our furry foes.  Just because they can't drive a car doesn't mean they can't serve time behind bars.

Number three: Monkeys are nosy!  I don't want one of those hairy mongrels digging through my backpack!  There are very personal items in there.  Not only do they just dig through things as they please, they'll eat your food when you're not looking.  Now see here monkey-friends, that's just uncalled for.

Number four: Monkeys don't belong in space.  NASA needs to leave these animals alone.  They are asking for a ruined space mission whenever they send one of these sorry animals out into space.  They should just sent a dog like our good Commie friends did a few years back.  Everybody loves dogs!

Well good Chronics, please do not egg these monkeys on.  They have simply gotten way too much attention for their misbehavior.

Monday, January 3, 2011

The New and Exciting World of Ergonomics

Are you boring?  Are you a breath of stale air whenever your step into the party?  Do all your friends glance at you with slanted eyes and whisper among themselves, "He sure is a stick in the sand!"  Do you love to watch paint dry, observe how people sit and use their office supplies?  Well, this sounds like this would be the perfect job for you!  Forget having interesting, different and unpredictable work days not knowing what's coming up next - you will get to teach people how to properly sit in desk chairs, type on computers and not get their fingers caught in drawers.  That's right - your dream job of ERGONOMIC SPECIALIST is now a reality!  What more could you ask for!

You will single-handedly save the business you work at, no doubt!  While those sales teams and admins are pushing their agendas on other people, you are saving people from chronic diseases such as "scoliosis", "bad wrist pains" or "slight headaches"!  How's that for increasing productivity!  Good boring sir, no more being the unpopular invite at the neighborhood barbecues for you.  People will flock to you, knowing what a office hero you are.  This is your shot at infamy.

Here are some actual lines from Ergonomic handbooks:

"Sitting down is an under appreciated skill.  Face the chair, looking at the desired area for sitting.  Grasp the arm rests, turn around and sit yourself carefully into the seat."

"Although sitting for long periods of time in an office chair that is too low can cause a person all kinds of physical aches and pains, many people do not take the time to properly adjust their chairs. Perhaps these people are unaware of how quick and easy it is to raise an office chair to the appropriate height."

"The correct use of office tools is crucial. A person who tries to open a box with a paper cutter stands a real chance of being severely injured. The correct tool would be a box opener, and it’s a very good idea for offices to supply safety razors so, so there is no chance of a blade being left out and someone getting cut."

This fantastic job will earn you anywhere from $60,000-90,000 a year.  Now tell me this isn't the dream job for the boring man.