Unlikely Getaways

Sometimes it hits us.  Bam!  Like a sack of bricks!  You're walking in the mall, looking around and then that's when reality decides to back-hand you.  Sweaty people!  Gross benches!  14 year-olds making out behind you!  Darn you, the mall, and all your pimply imperfections.  Some days we have just had it!  The soda machine didn't have any Coke!  Your favorite knickerbockers that you saved up for aren't on sale anymore!  Rawwh!  You throw down that iPod, rend your T-shirt in two, and break out in a helpless rage of fist pumps and dance to get away from eternity.  But man, you're at the MALL.  You can't simply slap your favorite B-52 tunes and tap dance your trouble until tomorrow.  No sir!  Our blue-outfitted friends wouldn't be too fond of that.  You are enclosed in a box of pop culture and free market with no escape.

Or is there!  Wipe away those tears, sir, and dash to one of the following areas to have an emergency recuperating session from the toils of life and mall shopping:

1) The couch or plushy chairs in book stores - nothing reminds you of the simple joys of like Dr. Seuss and the smell of book glue and legendary librarians of yesterday.  Squeeze your glorious rump into the cottony and graspy hand of delight which we call the "plushy chair."  Kick off some shoes!  Untie that tie and release the snakes!  Let the whole gang chill out for a quick five while you analyze the life alliteration found in Green Eggs and Ham.  You won't regret ever the simple pleasure of having your nose buried in mega-sweet literature.

No book stores?  Easy.  Most malls should have

2) Potted plants - people take walks in nature all the time to reconnect with their inner-man.  And man, it is a scream!  And I salute the dear sir who thought it expedient to take a part of that precious nature pie, take a slice, wrap it in EZwrap, and share it with our hungry friend called the indoors.  Need a nature walk?  Find a tree!  Need some water?  If you're lucky you'll find some pimpin' cactus chillin' around.  If you're really desperate, and the potted plant permits such a bold move, wedge yourself into the plant somehow, symbolically and literally becoming one with nature.  A breath of fresh air is sure to clear your mind of the pressures of society.

Now if you have the misfortune of being in a low-grade mall that doesn't even have plastic potted plants, then visit

3) The handicapped toilet stalls - this is universal.  You'll find these in any large store or mall you happen to wake up in.  First, be sure that there aren't any handicapped fellows that require its use before you inhabit that stall - you might be in there for a while.  And if there are, make sure they don't have a short temper or are armed - this might make your relaxation session a bit counterproductive if they are either or both of those things.  This is the best.  Just chill in the AC-ed room, pull out your phone and go to town on Angry Birds for a few hours while you catch your sanity.  Just make sure to put your phone on airplane mode so your friends and family don't bother you with their silly search for you.

Anyways friends, please be wary of your mental health in public places!  Tears and emotional times aren't meant to be just shared with your bedroom pillow - but also your friends, potted plants, book stores, and bathrooms!  Now go out there and have fun!