Starting your own country

His highness, the President Kevin
Baugh of the Republic of Molossia

Do you find yourself dominating Risk all the time?  Ever feel like you can relate to our expansionist friends, like Alexander the Great, the Huns, Bonaparte and Microsoft?  Do you find yourself dressing up in military outfits, marching in your bedroom to loud army marches, pretending to give rousing speeches to the inferior peons of your nation-state?  Then this article is for you.

I for myself have considered starting my own country, and believe me, after some careful Wikipedia and Google research, it's not as hard as you think!  Let's go through the steps.

1) Make sure your new nation meet minimum requirements:  You must have a defined territory.  Draw your borders out on a map. You must have a permanent population. Choose something where people live, like a neighborhood.  Disney world unfortunately won't work here. You must have a government, one that is capable of interacting with other states.  This might be the tricky prat, but you could probably just higher a lawyer or something to write up a constitution.

Behold the grandeur of Sealand!

2) Declare independence: while you may join the ranks of micro-nations with the lack of seriousness that comes with it, the UN Charter offers immediate rights to a self-proclaimed independent state.  To name a few: inefficient government isn't grounds to claim a full independence, you can't just wage war and claim that country, and so on.  For further reading, here's the "Declaration of the Granting of Independence to Colonial Countries and Peoples" http://www.un.org/en/decolonization/declaration.shtml

3) Get recognized: this is the tricky part.  Each country has its own way of determining whether you're a big deal or not.  So you've just gotta work your national magic!  Start trading.  Contribute to the arts.  Find yourself a Justin Bieber within your borders.

4) Get in on the UN:  Once you've done all of the above and you've proven your peaceloving country is a big deal after all, write a petition to this guy:

Ban Ki-moon
Secretary-General
The United Nations
First Ave. at 46th St.
New York, NY 10017

Here's a list of a few new and upcoming smaller countries ready to make their name in world history:

Sealand - a small seaport left over from WWII where a pirate radio broadcaster started to claim that as his territorial land.  Other country heads of state eventually contacted this guy when Britain tried to get this thing back or something.  Has his own currency and everything.  http://www.sealandgov.org/

Republic of Molossia - located at a man's house in Dayton, Nevada and some territory in Southern California.  Self-proclaimed "banana-republic." http://www.molossia.org/

Dominion of British West Florida - a micro-nation devoted to restoring Florida back to England, the beloved motherland of Florida for 16 years before the Declaration of Independence.  http://dbwf.net/

Hot, New Musical Fads

Watch out music world!  There's a splash coming, and it's called "We're playing unique musical instruments"!  No doubt you have been walking the sweet, sweet streets of New York or another glamorous city, and have been entertained by many a-street performer.  We have accordion players, statue/costume guys, magicians, drunks peddling for money, children who pretend to be horribly separated from their parents - it's a real scream!  It's only natural to think, "What kind of unique talent do I have to bring to the table?"  Maybe you thought about how your Uncle Ricky taught you how to play musical spoons, or your grandma went on and on before you fell asleep about some orchestra concert she went to.

Here are some huge musical instruments just getting into the scene just now:

The Humanatone, or "Nose Flute" - believe it or not, people have been sticking many different musical articles in their noses for hundreds of years!  The Philippians, the Hawaiians, and the Chinese have been playing some of their own nose flutes for hundreds of years - but thanks to the miracle of science we have reached the pinnacle of the Nose Flute evolution.  The Humanatone was released to the public at large for the first time in 1904 as a classy musical instrument, and the world has never been the same since.  These are easy to pick up, but hard to put down.

(Movie: Concerto for Nose Flute.  From 4:30-6:10 is where the real magic happens.)

The Kazoo - don't be fooled!  This may seem like a little kid toy, but it is I believe one of the most difficult instruments to master and sound beautiful on.  This little diddy was created here in the states right around the same time as the Humanatone - one of the few popular musical instruments that can claim 100% American roots.  They do however have historical ancestors called the Eunich Flue; our history peeps would snag a tube and stick a thin membrane on the other end like a dried onion skin.  How 'bout that!  The modern kazoo can be found everywhere, from jazz combos to the wildest rock bands.  Rock, rock on!


(Movie: Enter Sand Man performed beautifully by a quartet)

iPhone - chigga-WHA?  You mean I can take my everyday ordinary cell phone and turn it into a virtuoso musical man device?  Oh baby, can you ever.  There are myriad apps that will enable you to turn your miracle device into a musical instrument, including an ocarina, guitar, piano, drumset, you name it! It's not too late to jump onto this fad, and you better do it before too many get on!  Milk this one for what it's worth right now!

(Movie: a band I think playing a bunch of iPhones like a REAL band should!  Yeah yeah yeah!)

Thanksgiving thoughts and stuff

Nyam nyam!

For some reason, there's only one time of the year that we decide to cook turkeys.  I can't remember the last time I had a cooked turkey for dinner - oh wait.  Thanksgiving.  And what ho!  I'm writing on Thanksgiving!  What are the odds, readers, tell me, what are the odds.

You may throughout the course of the day find yourself positioned behind a glorious feast of beans, potatoes, pies, and if you're Charlie Brown, then popcorn, jellybeans, pretzels and toast.  But before your family dives over the table, knocking over the ornaments and breaking plates to get their ravenous hands on that succulent turkey-dish, let's sit back and think a little.  Have you thought about the character of this dear, dear animal from whom your lips and teeth are viciously tearing slobbery chunks of meat?

Think about it, friends.  Here's some fun facts you can one-up everyone with at your next Thanksgiving party.

• Turkey is just its street name.  Meleagris gallopavo is its actual name, but don't expect anyone to know that.
• Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird.  He wrote in a letter "though [he is] a little vain & silly, [he too is] a bird of courage, and would not hesitate to attack a grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his farm yard with a red coat on."  Riddle me this Benny Franks, ever see an eagle vs. turkey in a fight?  Thought so.
• Wild turkeys can run up to 25 mph.  The fastest men alive can at their peak run 25-27 mph.  If you see a turkey run off with a woman's purse, odds are you would be better not even trying.
• A turkey's gobble can be heard up to a mile away.  Meh.
• The country and Turkey and the bird turkey are two very different things (a shout out for my foreign mystery readers).

Take just a moment, breath in some clean air and let your mind be grateful for this bird of ours that has a little more character than a mouth occupant.

Walkers X-Treme!!!!

So you all must think you all are quite the walkers.  Strolling in all like you know what you're doing, throwing your weathered legs against all sorts of walking mediums: wood, granite, gravel, earth, grass, the moon, socks, dirty laundry, oh baby!  You may have quite the waking resume.

But hold your horses, friends.  Before you toss your chin high in the air and spit upon lowly wheelchair and heely users, let me bring you down to earth a little.  You see, you may have heard in whispered voices in dark alleys the taboo sport of "speed-walking," or as the pros call it, Racewalking.

Interested?  Knew you would be.

There are TWO pivotal rules to Racewalking: 1) The ends of your toes cannot leave the pavement until your alternative foot's heel makes contact with the ground, 2) Your leg must be straight from when your heel hits the pavement until it passes from under your body.  Don't expect fair play!  There is plenty of room for dirty cheats; as quoted by Wikipedia: "These rules are judged by the human eye, which creates controversy at today's high speeds."  When you're barreling down that racetrack with fire in your soul, keep your eye out for the dirty cheaters; they might be wearing bowler hats, they may have long, greasy mustaches - at any rate, keep your eyes out.

For you ambitious over-achievers who aim to do everything the very best, I'm sure your heart will feel golden when you hear that indeed there IS AN OLYMPIC EVENT for Racewalking, with distances ranging from 20 km to 50 km.  You can bet there are rest stations along the way for these highly-tuned machines of athletes; there are all sorts of wonderful treats such as water and maybe even raisins if you are lucky.  Go for gold, my Racewalking children!

Walkin' in style, G-unit.  Maybe a little
old for the Olympics, but never too old
for awesomeness.

Last if not least, you may be thinking, "Where should I start?"  Call your local church leader for more information on this exciting, new world of Racewalking.  He should be in the know.  And off-roading for the adventurous kinds?  Be sure to go to your nearby Walmart and purchase a good, healthy pair of trekking poles.

Walk on, walk on.

Possible Theories behind UFOs

It's harvest time, baby.  You're more than ecstatic to be alive in the 21st century as a farmer.  You walk through the grassy fields.  You feel the dust and corn scent stickle your glorious nostrils.  Breathe it in!  Become one with the land, farmer-friend, and get ready for a kick-a** harvest, foo!

But as you look off into the glowing sunrise, you notice a crazy sphere of
light dance across the sky, hover over you, then shoot off into the atmosphere at dizzying speeds.  What the!  You should consider yourself lucky, farmer-friend, for it is not an every day event to see such a thing!  Embrace it dude.

Now, this phenomenon is fairly rare, but it is not unheard of.  There are thousands of people who have had the wonderful opportunity to get in close contact with the 3rd kind.  But there are some scientists out there that sure love to ruin our fun.  They spit on us and tell us we don't know anything, and they do it in the name of science.

Before your deceptively friendly scientist neighbor starts listing all the ways that you could be wrong, educate yourself, friends!  Read this blog and you will know how to defend yourself against possible theories behind UFOs.


1) Manmade Object
Some scientists will say that it is a weather balloon, or some kind of strange airplane of sorts.  What nonsense!  Explain this: can they make crop circles?  Can they blink different colors?  How can a weather balloon burn down my farm?  Riddle me this, ill-bred scientist.

2) Natural Phenomenon
Some submit that it is "thunder" or "clouds."  First of all, convince me first that THESE things are real.  How do we not know the NASA isn't just putting up optical illusions of thunder and clouds for their own political purposes?  And even if they were real, do you think I'm an idiot and can't tell a cloud from a glowing circle that shoots off into space at near-light speed?  Seriously.

3) Government Projects
This one is a cheap shot.  Who knows what the government is up to!  This is a cheap card played by scientists when they feel like they are in risk of losing the debate.  All the same, when they lay out this card, remind them of Roswell and Area 49 - it looks like to me that aliens and the government are in cahoots with each other.  Why would they even be working together?  They will need a few minutes to mull over that one before they realize that you have cornered them in a logical checkmate!

4) Aliens are Real!
Let's be adults.  Just because you don't see something or understand it completely doesn't mean it's not real.  I'm tired of our scientific community playing empirical peek-a-boo to judge what's real and what's not.  For all we know, aliens are on our side.  Perhaps they are tourists, checking out the sweet things we have to offer, like Oprah or string cheese.  Think about it!

So next time the rest of the town laughs at you and points their fingers at you, you will have a few intellectual responses in your quiver at your service.

Unlikely Getaways

Sometimes it hits us.  Bam!  Like a sack of bricks!  You're walking in the mall, looking around and then that's when reality decides to back-hand you.  Sweaty people!  Gross benches!  14 year-olds making out behind you!  Darn you, the mall, and all your pimply imperfections.  Some days we have just had it!  The soda machine didn't have any Coke!  Your favorite knickerbockers that you saved up for aren't on sale anymore!  Rawwh!  You throw down that iPod, rend your T-shirt in two, and break out in a helpless rage of fist pumps and dance to get away from eternity.  But man, you're at the MALL.  You can't simply slap your favorite B-52 tunes and tap dance your trouble until tomorrow.  No sir!  Our blue-outfitted friends wouldn't be too fond of that.  You are enclosed in a box of pop culture and free market with no escape.

Or is there!  Wipe away those tears, sir, and dash to one of the following areas to have an emergency recuperating session from the toils of life and mall shopping:

1) The couch or plushy chairs in book stores - nothing reminds you of the simple joys of like Dr. Seuss and the smell of book glue and legendary librarians of yesterday.  Squeeze your glorious rump into the cottony and graspy hand of delight which we call the "plushy chair."  Kick off some shoes!  Untie that tie and release the snakes!  Let the whole gang chill out for a quick five while you analyze the life alliteration found in Green Eggs and Ham.  You won't regret ever the simple pleasure of having your nose buried in mega-sweet literature.

No book stores?  Easy.  Most malls should have

2) Potted plants - people take walks in nature all the time to reconnect with their inner-man.  And man, it is a scream!  And I salute the dear sir who thought it expedient to take a part of that precious nature pie, take a slice, wrap it in EZwrap, and share it with our hungry friend called the indoors.  Need a nature walk?  Find a tree!  Need some water?  If you're lucky you'll find some pimpin' cactus chillin' around.  If you're really desperate, and the potted plant permits such a bold move, wedge yourself into the plant somehow, symbolically and literally becoming one with nature.  A breath of fresh air is sure to clear your mind of the pressures of society.

Now if you have the misfortune of being in a low-grade mall that doesn't even have plastic potted plants, then visit

3) The handicapped toilet stalls - this is universal.  You'll find these in any large store or mall you happen to wake up in.  First, be sure that there aren't any handicapped fellows that require its use before you inhabit that stall - you might be in there for a while.  And if there are, make sure they don't have a short temper or are armed - this might make your relaxation session a bit counterproductive if they are either or both of those things.  This is the best.  Just chill in the AC-ed room, pull out your phone and go to town on Angry Birds for a few hours while you catch your sanity.  Just make sure to put your phone on airplane mode so your friends and family don't bother you with their silly search for you.

Anyways friends, please be wary of your mental health in public places!  Tears and emotional times aren't meant to be just shared with your bedroom pillow - but also your friends, potted plants, book stores, and bathrooms!  Now go out there and have fun!

The Curse of the Sock

I don't know when it happens. Sometimes during full moons. Sometimes during a black vexing upon my wardrobe. Sometimes when a local hanging is going on. All I know is one moment I'm happily, cheerfully doing my laundries as a dutiful man, and the next moment I am in a fit of rage! Watch out! I flip tables! I swing a pick axe around and yell bad verses of poetry! Because Satan has swiped another sock from my laundry basket. There truly is nothing more infuriating in all mortality than misplacing a mate to your favorite pair of socks! One week you start out with 40 pairs thinking you're ready to take on the world with your brand new socks. Dear friend, your heart is about to take hefty footwareish trials! Before long you're wearing a blue polka dots on green sock and a tube sock heading off to your next job interview.

Get ready to be escorted out of the building.

Now here are just a few tips of how to keep your cool when you find that missing sock. When your girlfriend or greasy landlord comes over, they will be sure impressed with how you tastefully handle such difficult situation.




First! Picture in your mind your sock being carried by the wind into the poor part of town. A poor orphan boy hobbles over in a dirty shawl with a peg leg and picks up the sock. Tears well up! This is going to be the warmest winter he's had in a long time! Not to mention it will make a fanatic feast in the spring. Pat yourself on the back, you fed an orphan you patron saint of sock giving!

Second! If that doesn't work (if you don't have heart and hate orphans or something) then you can remember those sandals you were going to wear don't look good with socks on under them. Not at all. Socks and sandals are a flashy sign around your neck that says, "Rob me! I'm white!" Tourist fashion is never in fashion.

Third! This one is a last ditch effort - go buy another pair of socks. And I mean NOW! Drop what ever you're doing - funeral, wedding, it doesn't matter. You don't want the last memory with your beloved before she is buried six feet deep being a memory of tearfully ripping your boy scout socks and throwing them into the ditch with her. Better to lose a few dollars on socks than lose your cool and respect.

Curse you socks!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPa

Piano Leeches

There you are, maestro.  Slide that piano bench!  Get ready to wow your lucky public audience.  Playing your personal symphony before the stage of the world.  You can be in a lobby, a cafeteria, jail cell, ANYwhere were an audience and piano have the fortune to coexist.  Your greased fingers dash and bounce across the sweet vanilla ivories and those music notes take flight and bounce off the walls and everything in the room.  The moment is yours, kid.  Slam those notes!  Send your sweet tears from your eyes into your musical work!

Jamming, jamming, and jamming some more you realize that there's some weird skinny kid who has been breathing down your neck.  He probably has been there pretending to listen and thoroughly enjoy your art for a good thirty minutes.  Some piano playing rookies probably would believe this to be their first admirer, ready to take bullets for them and tattoo your name on their arm.  Some may foolishly believe that they have been lured into your Muse-like piano songs which hypnotize them into music listening buffoons who forget where they are.

Make no mistake.

Not even Patrick Stewart can play
the piano in peace!

The experienced piano player can tell you this sinister pimply faced teenager is up to no good.  He'll ask if he can have a turn and play just a quick scale to warm up his hands.  Then you realize it's been 30 minutes of scales and crappy songs since he stole the lime light.  These, my friends, are what I call piano leeches!  They lie in the wait when somebody else is playing a piano ready to pounce and steal that piano away!

How can you know differentiate these servants of sin from your regular fan club?

1) Flattery.  They'll come over by the piano at the end of a song or while you're playing something chill and hit you up with countless compliments.  "You rock!"  "You changed my life!"  "I named my first son after you!"  And they won't let up until they get what they want.  They'll butter you up, tell you you're pretty, and as soon as you turn your back BAM they'll stick a musical knife in it!  Don't let their evil words get to your head, or your piano time will be done before you know it.

2) Mentioning songs they know on the piano.  For some reason, they assume that you will find their mediocre musical achievements amusing.  I don't care if you know how to play the Mario Brothers on the piano, some of us left the peanut gallery and scholastic diapers years ago.  Don't let their tricky songs spark any interest in you, and especially don't mention that you ever want to hear that song.

3) Pecking on keys on either extremity.  Now you know they're getting desperate and sweating bullets.  The game is yours, that is if you can hold out for the last couple of minutes.  There you are playing your Rachmaninoff masterpiece when the piano leech thoughtlessly walks up and plays Mario Brothers at the same time.  This is a tasteless blow, but be sure to deny them their intrusive action with sternness, yet tactfully.

4) Violence.  When they slam the piano lid on your fingers and break them, game over.  No more Mr. Nice Guy.  The piano leech sees in his bird brain you being wheeled away to the hospital while he laughs and steals your piano time.  Broken fingers or not, you need to teach this kid a lesson and save him from making the same mistake twice.  Punch!  Kick!  Bite!

Well, consider yourself informed next time you have Cletus come over asking if you can play the Mario Brothers as well as you played Beethoven's Fifth.

Need Wedding Ideas?

You and your fiance are wondering, "What should we do for our wedding day?"  You don't want another dull wedding in a lame grassy hill, or in a crusty old church.  All of these ways of getting eloped is old hat!  And you can't have that!  Want some fireworks?  Lightsabers?  The feeling that the force is in the air?  Perhaps Frodo Baggins to pop out of a wedding cake?

Then these solutions may be just for you.

Star Wars

This certainly is a popular pick for Trekkies and astronomy enthusiasts alike!  Ready to show your romance taken to places far, far away?  Let the force be your guide as you select which celestial flowers are to adorn your beautiful Leia hair curls!  Slice your wedding cake with a Jedi-built lightsaber, then for a keepsake immortalize the lightsaber crystals in your wedding ring.  And for the hubby, be sure to buy an authentic wedding band made of meteorite metals (google it!).  There's no end to love with Star Wars - and that's a fact!

Lord of the Rings

If that perhaps doesn't tickle your fancy, maybe you could take a more nature-oriented route as you search for romance in the shady woodlands of the Shire!  Nothing screams "I'm in love" more than a knife fight between Gandalf and an Orc!  Be sure to tell your guests to bring their own weapons.

Nintendo

So maybe you've been dating this Asian cool girl for a while, and you're thinking about getting married!  Well, you can't quite give up the midnight Tetris marathons or the guys-night-out tourneys of Halo.  So do you give one up over the other!  H no!  Compromise!  Nintendo weddings offer the finest of decor and sensation as the beautiful joining of man and wife happen.  As you can see from this picture, this Tetris cake really just elates ecstatic emotion into the room!  Tears drizzle as the cake is cut, and the special honeymooners are off to play some sweet, sweet Mario Kart before those magic moments.  Winky Face!

So dear audiences, if you find yourself having difficulty picking what theme you can have, there are plenty of options!  Feel free to send me a $5 tip if you decide to use any of my ideas.

Zelda Sandals

I've heard all sorts of names for these wonderful kinds of sandals.  Take your pick:

Zelda Sandals

Princess Xena Sandals

Moses Sandals

Plain Ugly

These are curious footwear that women have found interest in for the last couple of years - they eat your foot with dozens of leather straps then shackle themselves onto your ankles.  Some reports even show that mystical crystals interlaced in the shoe have zombified their wearers!  Please wear these shoes with caution - while you may think (or at least the ZOMBIE you may think) having your lengthy legs stroll in past the door at a party will make you talk of the town - they are sassy footwear indeed!  These have either the power to dazzle/zombify your friends at the party, or send you running home to your mommy.

A prime example of the Zelda Sandal

What do you do to make sure these risky sandals are a success? First off, make sure you don't egg your shoes on - that is to say, don't wear a robe, or a Legend of Zelda outfit.  You WILL be the butt of all the jokes - and not in the good way!  Also, make sure that you are a little saucy.  Give some spunk!  Let's face it gurlz, these are WOMAN sandals.  When you strap these man-hunter sandals on it's time to put the Barbies away.

Just a quick post for some food for thought - ladies.  Be sure to wisely craft your footwear choices lest you fall into the pitfall of being "that weird Zelda girl" excluded from all the Mario Kart tourneys and Spin the Bottle matches.

Hot Vacation Spots: The Orient

Having long dull days at the office?  Having problems enjoying family time?  Tired of looking over cliffs edges wondering what it would feel like to jump off?  Looks like you need a great vacation time!  Look no further than the Orient!  China, Japan, Taiwan, and Chinatown (for our thrifty spenders out there) are fantastic locations for all sorts of adventure - whether it be romance, murder mysteries, or dog fights!  They have it all!

Just feel that thick Oriental air glossing across your skin as you stroll down Beijing Square - and shazam!  Look to your left and watch two Ninjas get in a fist fight!  Look to your right and watch a panda tumble through a grassy patch!  Buy a hotdog!  Feed a kitten!  This is your town.

If you find yourself in Beijing, our Asian culture experts exhort you to visit a Sumo wrestling match.  If you haven't had a good, emotional cry in a longtime, this may just be the thing to see!  There's nothing more moving than watching these two beautiful, big men struggle to shove each other out of the circle in the great symbolism of the fight against good and evil.  Then it happens!  A rogue ninja leaps in the circle and slashes the fighters up into bite-sized pieces!  A dancing dragon flies through the air!  Asian fireworks!  What in the world is happening!

It's the orient baby, and you've just gotta go with the flow.

Next stop?  The market!  You've seen those movies - there's usually monkeys climbing around and mysterious looking men walking around selling strange fruits and things.  If you want a few awesome knick-knacks to send back to the family, grab some triangle hats for the wife!  Chinese stars for the kids!  Just be sure to dodge the eventual gun fight that will take place - after all, when's the last time you saw a market scene in a movie without it bursting into a glorious fist fight?

This is for you!  Pack your backs, and travel to the Orient!

Selecting your Morning Cereal

So there you are in the morning digging through your collection of kinds of cereal.  "When in the world did I buy so much cereal?" you mutter to yourself as you push past the Cheerios, the Honey Oats, the Frosted Flakes, Pops, Fruit Loops, various sorts of Quaker oatmeals, Lucky Charms, those cheap plastic Best Western bags of cereal remaining unopened, Raisin Bran, Captain Crunch, Trix, Chex, Rice Krispies, Apple Jacks and finally Frosted Mini Wheats.  As the cereal boxes and bags spill out from our open door, you remember why you never eat cereal.  You have a migraine!  You get dizzy!  You tumble clumsily to the floor to the fetal position, bowl in hand, and with tears in your eyes you shout, "What cereal am I supposed to eat today!?"  Cause, you've only got one shot at this, sugar, and you better make your one choice of cereal bowl the best possible.  This horrible choice with thousands of options must be answered lickedy-split lest the morning evaporate before you and you find yourself at your desk job again with an empty stomach.

Let's weigh out the options:

Sugary Cereal
A fine choice fit for Saturday mornings and sugar rushes.  It's hard to go wrong with this guy, at least if you're planning on eating soon.  Sure a bowl of Cocoa Puffs may seem like it's feeling after you slide that grainy stuff down your glorious esophagus - but that stuff dissipates faster than you ate it and your stomach is craving for more just a few hours later.  These are perhaps the cigarette of cereal groups - only to be used for light enjoyment for the time being.  And you better have a backup plan friend, unless you want crippling stomach pains to shove you down to your knees two hours before lunch break.


Healthy Cereal
Great for health nuts and old people alike.  These cereals tend to pack serious fiber for more cooperation for those private times.  Need to write poetry?  Eat this stuff.  Need to impress your boss while feeling like you could run a marathon all day long?  Eat up, man!  Now, the main downside to this stuff is that it feels like you're stuffing straw into your face soaked with milk - no taste bud pleasures will ensue from the pursuit of our ever-available healthy cereal.

"Is this Cereal?" Cereal
I'm talking about those weird cereals that fall into the mystery category.  Popcorn, oatmeal, brown rice, you name it.  These are the rarities you tend not to find in flashy boxes are really up to you how they are received. People eat fruit with them, sugar, syrup, brown sugar - this is the adventure cereal!  If you've got a few spare minutes and you're ready to release the inner-chef, grab some mayo and cheese!  And let the inner chef take hold of your senses as you cultivate the Cereal of 2011.

Wipe those tears from your eyes, scout!  Stand up and straighten out your pants! Use this guide for your benefit, and you will not go amiss.

10 Ways You Could Ruin Someone's Day

Doggone it!  Your neighbor Richard has let the air out of your tires for the last time!  And who knows if you can stand him kidnapping your kid one more time!  You are just ready to let him have it.  Unfortunately for you, you are an avid church goer who couldn't so much as point your finger in unChrist-like anger.  What in the world do you do!  You haven't ever thought about getting revenge on someone, so I took the liberty of writing a list of how to do it.

Here are 10 ways you could ruin your pathetic neighbor's day.

1) Break each finger of his individually.  And do it tactfully, moving from knuckle to knuckle on each digit causing a fracture in each part.  That will hamper his ability to hack into your bank accounts anymore!

2) Set their alarm clock to 4:15 in the morning.  Be sure to put a baby alarm next to it as well so you can savor their moaning and tears of frustration as they realize you broke off the knob that turns it off.

3) Replace all the food they have in their house with wax replicas and empty boxes.  Do this especially right before they bring a date over, or are having the Jehovah's Witnesses over.

4) Leave brownies from a "special someone" embedded with ex-lax and thumbtacks.

5) Gather all the local Amish and form a riot, convincing them that your enemy is a witch who feeds children to the elderly.

6) At night transplant the plants from their garden into the dumpster.  When asked about it, smile wryly and say, "Looks like they're on the move again!"

7) Sticking gum in that little hole where you stick your key is always a success

8) While he's asleep (you may need to drug him up for this one), put a straight jacket on him and lock him in an empty, yellow room.

9) Mix up things in his house - put food coloring in with his mouthwash, or maybe hair removal cream in his conditioner.

10) Another great one to do while he's asleep - take an electric razor and promptly shave off an eyebrow!  He'll sure be the hit of the party when everyone is snickering about the moron with one eyebrow.

Well, that's a start.  Hopefully that list will inspire you to come up with your own evil deeds.

The 8th Deadly Sin: Cracking Knuckles

There's just a couple of things that I love to do that I hate to watch other people do.  Eating a whole pizza is one of them.  PDA also is another one (even though it's been a good while).  But boy, let me tell you there's nothing more nerve-wracking and ear grinding like the satanic practice of cracking knuckles!  Picture this, friends.  You're sitting down at a summery sandwich bar outside.  You're enjoying the cool breeze brush its fingers through your hair and you bite right into those sensational rye bread kneaded by the hands of culinary gods - and then you hear that miserable sound.  CRACK!  SIZZLE!  POP!  By the sounds of it, you either poured nasty non-sugared cereal into your morning bowl, or that Asian lady three blocks away really went to town on her fingers.  Yuck, yuck, YUCK!  I don't wish this terrible torture on my worst enemies - eating while hearing those horrible fingers cracked.

What can you do to guard yourself against such a sin?

First you must set the example for yourself and close friends.  Only crack knuckles where you would be unashamedly naked: the locker room, your bedroom, and the beach.  NOWHERE else.  This is a direct violation of etiquette, and such slobbish pigs who do so should be hauled off to the gulag!

These fingers could be yours if you
find yourself cracking them around me!

Next you must react ever-so rashly whenever you hear someone else crack their fingers.  Don't stand for that insolence!  Shoot them dirty looks, whisper behind their backs with curse words thrown in.  If you have to, break their hands!  Let's see them crack those dislocated fingers of theirs now!

Please spread the word, and remember this simple acronym: PACFAOET!  People Against Cracking Fingers and Other Evil Things!

Special Shoutout

Chronics

I just wanted to have a shout out to my foreign readers!

Pakistan - 2 readers
Canada - 1 reader
China - 1 reader
France - 1 reader
UK - 1 reader
Ukraine - 1 reader

And no, these don't count as the posts for the week.  Winky face ;) (see previous article "Social Tools" in December 2010).

Mr. Mackey

A Note to My Chronics

Dearest readers

For your information, I will not be producing uplifting material on a daily basis.  I feel that for those new to the cause of spreading truth this may seem a bit overwhelming.  I instead shall write 2-3 times weekly at random.  Might I write thrice in one day?  I must may!  Keep on your toes, readers, for more truth will unveil itself.

Many of my readers may also note I took a vacation.  I needed a spiritual mecca to rejuvenate my spirits in the cause of truth.

Onward, truth, feed ye the mouths of orphans and light the scented candle in the dark!

Mr. Mackey

Capitalizing Your Time as the Third Wheel

Embrace your passions.

Can't find a date?  Are you tired of trying to hit that secret shortcut on Rainbow Road for Mario Kart?  Dear sir, I do believe you need a breath of fresh air - this may be the opportune time to borrow romance from your friend.  Hot dog!  Ready for pizza, ice cream, a romantic movie with no strings attached?  You can have all the enjoyment of a date without even getting your hands messy!  This is a common joy for all men of all time periods.  So, strap on that seatbelt, watch that make out session (and then some!) and get ready to really enjoy your time as the third wheel!

Now, there are a couple of key things you can do to make your third-wheel moments even more momentous than before!

Obama - the Ultimate Third Wheel

1) Kissy noises - sure it's great to watch your friend and his shawty go at it.  It really is a show!  But what happens after two or three hours?  Even the best Nintendo games get a little old after that long.  So what can you do to stomp out that tender moment?  Kissy noises!  This is a good slap-up-the-head kind of reminder that love is fairly mushy.  Sure it's great when it's YOU but heavens to Betsy you ever watch anyone else hold hands or spoon.  You, the third wheel (who unlike most people enjoy watching intense PDA) give them a polite reminder that even watching PDA gets old.

So now you ended that nonsense, off to the bowling alley finally!  So how are you going to enjoy yourself now?

I really hope the guy on the top
right is wearing pants.

2) Make fun of the couple individually.  Poke fun at your guy friend.  Rail his girlfriend - and don't hold back!  Point out that she has clown-sized feet and trips over them constantly before hurling that bowling ball into the gutter.  "Nice gutter ball, sasquatch!"  Don't exclude the guy friend from all the fun!  Remind him that he's only been to the gym twice.  Assist him when he tries to pick up that heavy bowling ball.  Mention loudly about how his last girlfriend got dumped after a game of bowling - after all, they only dated 18 months.  Let those insults fly, and you'll be sure to find yourself surrounded with chuckles and smiling eyes!

That was fun!  You came out on top with your bowling remembering to thwart your opponents at every chance you got.  Now it's off to eat pizza!  What now!

3) So the couple ordered the same pizza, eh?  Be sure to get the same one too!  You've got to get in on some of this romance stuff, too!  Remember to look at the menu and mention loudly in disbelief how many calories there are in the pizza.  If you really want to impress the couple you're with, eat your pizza as fast as you can, and when you're done try to see how many pieces of theirs you can steal without them noticing while they gaze romantically into each other's eyes.  So many benefits of your friend dating someone!  Now the ice cream is rolled out, and again, being critical of the couple is KEY.  Mention that chocolate has evil spirits according to Mayan legend.  Make crap up if you have to!  You'll be sure to be the life of the party and the talk of the night!

Wowie, that was sure fun!  Sometimes after high-fiving your friend and hugging his girl and saying tender goodbyes you wonder, "Why am I still single!"  No need to fear friend, let your video games keep you company for a while, and if you keep striking out, I'm sure you friend will be sure to have you tag along on as many dates as you can!

The Intimate Lobster-Man Connection

Lobsters have a way with people.  They are rarely seen by human eyes in their natural habitat, galloping valiantly across the plains of the deep in search for romance.  Mostly people see their beautiful crimson shelled creatures boxed in sea-food restaurants.  They longingly gaze through their frosted jail-cage in hopes that the next passer-by won't be the one that selects them off the menu for a dinner devouring.

Needless to say Lobsters have an innate and developed capability to truly connect with someone's soul by gazing past their outward looks.  They stare, and you stare back, wondering for a split second if he is really trying to send you a telepathic message.  These are very special moments people, special indeed and we can't let them pass us by.  In the words of Eminem, "You gunna let it slip?"

This special Lobster-to-man soul connection is the true test of character.  Oftentimes we find crude, crude people who truly are looking out for only number one.  They will have the door opened to the Lobster-to-man moment and brush it aside remembering that he has slaved pushing papers to earn his $15.00 lobster dinner.  He needs this - he earned it.  He doesn't care who he has to step on, who he has to fry and dip in butter to reach the top.

If you are on a date with such a fellow, you better turn on your heels and sprint the other way - lest he fries you and butters YOU if you prove to be and obstacle to his success!

Then on the other hand, you have the true man - one who knows the feelings of his heart and searches for inspiration outside of his own sphere.  The lobster scurries to the glass - stares and the man stares back - that magic moment has sparked his heart!  This poor man will go to the menu and scratch off all the lobster entries he can find!  After his meal, this man will leave a very generous tip to the waitress, grab a crowbar, smash that lobsterish concentration camp and liberate their dear souls!

You see, there are more to the lobsters than meet the eye.  These majestic beings may possess little by way of man power or financial say, but they are truly tests of true character.  When you see those lobsters gazing hopelessly like an orphan tied to railroad tracks - let the good side of you free both your inner-man and the lobster.

Things You Should Have Known By Now from Other Scary Movies

Imagine yourself in the newest horror movie.  You're in a dark tunnel, and there are doors everywhere.  There is a killer clown who wants to take a cheese grater to your neck and have at it!  By thunder of Thor!  There's no stop button this time, bucko!  No turning on lights, no boyfriend or pet parrot to cuddle with, so what in the world do you do?  You don't want to wind up as a grated topping on a terror salad!

Here are a few tips on surviving your Scary Movie situation.

First, if there is blood on a door or you think a psycho killer is in a room, don't be an idiot and barge in!  We all scream at the TV "Don't go in there!  You know darn well he's going to knife you up the wazoo!"  You may think you're brave, maybe you thought your charm would win him over or who knows what idiotic thing is flashing through your mind.  Busting that door open is bursting open your lid to your own casket.  See footprints of blood leading to the door?  Take my advice friend, and let it be!

Next, remember if there is anyone in the shower or bathtub, whether it be you or your hot ex, get them out!  Out out out!  I can't recall a single scary movie where someone who took a warm bathing escapade and survived.  Trust me, until things settle down stick with the spongebaths and hand sanitizer.  There truly is nothing worse than having a wonderful fudgilicous shower enjoying every second of your water-treated experience, only for it to end with soap scum and your blood draining down the pipe.  No sir!  That will be sure to ruin your day a little!

If you know about something that is supernatural and doesn't want to be bugged, then don't bug it!  Do you have a rake that floats around and smashes itself around in the shed?  You better chain up that shed there buddy, before that mysterious rake satanically pistol whips you in the kneecaps!  Let it do it's own thing there in the shed.  There have been too many blundering idiots who march around their house and peek into those haunted basements or cursed bathrooms where the screams of she-who-must-not-be-named come out of every full moon.

I think the best way I can wrap all of this advice into one big statement could be: be cool.  If you keep your head and don't act like a drama queen then I think everything will be okay.  You will get away from that serial killer, as long as you, unlike many other once-living heroes of horror movies do, stay AWAY from the source of trouble and let them have their space!

Robots - Part Three

There are real robots in the world friends.  The robots already have gotten a start on us, but we should react before they get the upper hand!  I want you to keep a copy of this article on your person at all times in the event you see one of these dastardly robots.  Watch out!

#1 - Micro Flying Robot

This robot is the smallest ever flying robot prototype.  It has a rotating camera that allows it to track what victims it will want to shoot with lasers and missiles.  The fool who invented this robot was no doubt bent on destroying young children and helpless elderly that can't jump into ditches and run away speedily from these flying terrors!

#2 - TOPIO: TOSY Ping Pong Playing Robot

The Japanese at the Tokyo International Robot Fair unveiled this Satan-inspired machine which will no doubt be the cause of much weeping.  No more will a human ever stand a chance of winning another ping pong medal!  No more will people dare to come within a 6 mile radius if this machine ever gets his rusty claws on a ping pong ball.  This is an instrument of death!

#3 - Actriod

This robot is an Android and it is creepy, creepy, creepy!  We've always had at least some one up on the robots - we can identify them from a mile away.  Nobody is going to mistake a spiky piece of machinery shooting corpses as anything but a robot.  Now these are made to blend in with the rest of us, and it will not a pretty site when you think you're tipping the doughnut man when he pulls out a mechanical arm and chips your teeth with it!

Zounds!

Readers, again - watch out for these things.  These are dangerous!

Robots - Part Two

Robots have always been a scary subject.  Whoever disagrees is a fool!  Tell me that you don't feel a stroke of fear when a 30-foot robot rips away the living room wall and points a huge laser gun in your face.  Tell me that you don't find it frightening to know that robots are invading the working force.

Right now Japan uses about 320 robots of all sorts per 10,000 employees, while Germany uses 148 industrial robots per 10,000 robots, Italy 116, Sweden 99 and between 50 and 80 each in the United States, Finland, France, Spain, Austria, Denmark and Belgium, the Netherlands and Luxembourg.

In the car industry, there is one robot per 10 workers in Japan, Italy and Germany, it says.

Among the service robots, "medical robots, underwater robots, surveillance robots, demolition robots and many other types of robots for carrying out a multitude of tasks are doing very well," the report says.

So ahead and read the tear-jerking news report at http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2004/10/041021085857.htm.

First the workplace, next your homes and your bedrooms!  These robots will stop at nothing to reach to the top.  There is one thing that the robots right now that is working very strongly in our favor: FEAR.  We need to realize what a horrible force these robots.  We need to be so afraid and fearful that anything might happen with them that we would be willing to start a revolt and even give up our own lives if necessary for the cause of eradicating this cancer from planet earth!

The robots and their allies understand this perfectly.  They are working night and day to tear down this fear-wall that separates robots from reality.  Let's think about just one example in all the movies that are pro-robots.  C-3PO is a wolf in sheep's clothing!  He may be cute and charming in real life, but mind you that's only because Anthony Daniels a human has been tricked into that movie role.  Robots know no etiquette.  Robots know no love.  His shiny outer-covering is only skin-deep beauty as we see right through the robots demise - they want to make us think that robots are our friends.  You try playing patty cake with your neighbor's robot vacuum and see how playful it is then.

So before you thoughtlessly purchase your child those Lego Robotics, stop and take a deep breath.  You are about to take another step toward human domination.  Don't let them tear down that barrier.  Tell horror stories about robot Nazis to your grandkids!  Or the robots who live in their closet!  Or the androids or cyborgs that kidnapped grandpa after he got sick and went to the hospital.  Our younger generation needs to know that

We will not tolerate robots!

Robots - Part One

Readers, I would like to introduce you to a blogging legend who in part inspired me to begin my beloved series of the Daily Chronicler.  This good sir's name is Mr. Van Akin, and I will draw from his resources from time to time.  And as a way to treat him and his allowance of me to use his materials, I would like to celebrate with a three-part series of robots: a heated topic and favorite theme for Mr. Van Akin.

I turn the writing over to him:

I know we've been down this road before, but Readers, if there is anything that we learn from Terminator 2 and 3 it is that Robots never give up, or in other words, They'll be back! (Pun is much funnier when read in the voice of Arnold Schwarzenagger.) They are simply not content to just sit back and accept defeat. They will even travel through time if needs be. I know as is custom with humans, the trend to become lax and forgetful is a dangerous and common flaw. Many of you don't take to heart the real danger of robots due to the comforts and luxuries you think they might one day provide... Fools Move! Even if your robot is finely pedicuring your lawn it will do you no good, because you're six feet under with a lawn mower blade in the back, compliments of your completely untrustworthy robot. What is really disturbing is that the dawning of the Age of the Robot is upon us. We know that the great robot uprising is still in the somewhat distant future, but nonetheless, we humans forge onward in the name of "technological innovation" laying the foundation for robots and their inevitable uprising. There have been some recent current events that need discussing, and I'm gonna lay down some cold hard facts.

In a recent MSNBC article, author Bob Sullivan, explains how our common PCs are being used against us in a wild virus spreading attack that subcutaneously automates our PCs to spread infection through the web. The following snippet summarizes, but you may click the link for the whole story.

The Web, some say, has been turned into an operating system for criminals. Computer viruses that hijack PCs and turn them into electronic robots, or “bots,” have become the killer app. The operation of networks of hijacked computers is so lucrative that hackers are actually fighting electronic wars over them..."

http://redtape.msnbc.com/2007/03/bots_story.html#posts


Unsettling, no? Our common computers that we rely on so much daily are the birth places of the uprising. However, in the following article published by the BBC, discussion points to the ethical dilemmas of a robot co-habitation with human beings. Apparently, South Koreans are claiming that every Korean household will have a robot by the year 2015, and by 2018, they will be routinely performing surgery. The UK is suggesting that within 50 years robots be afforded the same civil rights as humans. A five member team is currently formulating the "Robot Ethics Charter;" a road map outlining acceptable behavior between robots and humans to maintain ethical, social and economic problems. I know, this is absolutely ridiculous! Read on for yourself:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/technology/6425927.stm


Something else that needs to be shut down right now is a robot fighting competition called "BattleBots." This robotic ultimate fighting is the cock fighting of the 21st century. Rudimentary battle robots are constructed, thrown into a ring, and fought to the death! These competitions install fighting instincts and advanced battle tactics into robots CPUs. It's like we're training them to Kumate style to destroy us.

We all know Asimov's 3 Laws of Robotics:

- A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.

- A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.

- A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law

These are nice and dandy, but what about rogue scientists that decide to disregard these laws? Anarchy! I hope that you're all reading the assigned literature on "How to Survive a Robot Uprising." Namely the section that deals with hand-to-pincer combat. This book will save your life on day, but only if you've read it. People please, I implore, let's fight for humanity!

The Importance of Birthday

A lovely spiritual lesson is one we all can find in the Book of Genesis. Our dear friend Joseph was locked in a cold dungeon and interpreted some dreams for dudes. One dude eventually worked his way up the ranks to being a buddy of the Pharoman. Well guess what. pharoman also had a funny dream in need of interpretation. He didn't know who to ask because none of his magician friends could tell him what it meant. Nuts!

Pharoman had a birthday and was all like, "Les birthday party hard my royal crew!" later that night there was a thumpin party at the Pharoman's crib. And tell me this isn't a coincidence, the jail bro who had his dream interpreted by Joseph was Pharoman's right hand party man. Jail bro told Pharoman about Joseph and hooked him up with dream telling skills.

Joseph came, saved Egypt. Mega sweet.

So what do we learn from this experience? Birthdays are very important and mist be celebrated. So good ALWAYS comes from birth celebration.

Power Naps

Sometimes we just feel too tired to care anymore.  Sometimes you just have to let that grilled cheese fry itself, or let that exam just pass on by.  You’ve never felt so tired!  You may be sick, narcoleptic, angry at life, a party animal, a politician, sleeping terribly, a possessor of a stiff bed, looking out for Zombies until sunrise, or maybe you just want to catch some sweet, sweet Z’s.  Sweet biscuits and gravy!  There’s nothing like the feeling of having a soft leather couch wrap you in its sensational embrace and lull you to sleep.

There are all sorts of ten-minute power naps.

The Guilty Nap – you know you should be in class right now, but you are instead passed out on the library couch.  So nice.

The Party Nap – you know you’re in for a wild Mario Kart tournament party later tonight, so you take that nap to recharge and get ready to go!

The Glutton’s Nap – those long naps you take after eating turkey sandwiches or other sleepy food things.

The Secret Nap – not supposed to take a nap?  Close the door to your office and crawl under the desk!  Run into the closet!  Lock the bathroom door!

The Nudist Nap – only reserved for the boldest of us

The Cat Nap – duh.

The Sick Nap – a one-way escape hatch from a world of runny noses and stuffed throats.

“What the crap!” Nap – When you wake up four or five hours later after hitting the couch for a few minutes of shut-eye.  These never happen when expected.  They are sneaky, sneaky, sneaky!

And yes, I was very tired when I wrote this.  I think I'm just about in the mood for a secret nap right about now.

Cheese Connoisseurs

Hey there gang.

What in the world will our fearless writer Ethan Mackey attack today? Which theme? Well ladies and gents I'm sure you will all be thrilled to read about the new addition to "The Daily Inquirer Series". Let's get a little edgy if you will with today's topic.

Cheese connoisseurs.

Who are these brave men sticking foreign molds, mystery milk processes and fuzzy green things alike in their mouths? Need I remind you, dear reader, I have just boldly declared the theme for today's reading but three lines above? Bingo. Cheese connoisseurs.

Let's think of some of the wonderful risks these men in action are willing to take while cheese consumers like you and I chomp on our cheese sticks - unawares of the great science put forth to produce these wonderful foodstuffs.

Let's look at number one. The vocab. Is this cheese strong? Sharp? Dull? While reading these terms may baffle the common mind, the trained ear and tongue will definitely harmonize with these fantastical descriptions. Ever read a book? I hope you have - remember when you read Curious George? What were the characters like? Flat. Static. They left way too much detail left out for the refined mind to truly understand what was going on in there. Sure it satisfied the toddler's hunger for a good bedtime story, but people! People! If you want some refined reading, try The Grapes of Wrath or some other worthy equal novel classic. Such it is with cheese. Who cares if you Beaufort is white? Or that it tastes kind of like swiss cheese if left under the sun? Good sir, you have a long connoisseur education awaiting you if you find this description satisfactory. Detail, detail, details!

Number two - what in the world are those moldy dots doing on that Roquefort and Stilton! Not for the faint of heart, the common man would not venture into such marshy grounds. Send in the specialist! "Roquefort!" cleverly thinks the connoisseur to himself swiping sweat off his stressed brow, "From the softness of the cheese and the exquisite pigment found in the fungi, this is most likely to be a member of the Bleu Cheese family!" Everyone holds their breath. The connoisseur grasps the cheese, and masticates the dairy product with brilliant form. Cheers abound! Trumpets sound! Men's tears fly to the ground! Yes, my brother, he has done it. We may now know with our indefatigable cheese lingo EXACTLY the wonderful flavors of this cheese without even getting our hands (or mouths) dirty.

So hats off to you, fearless leaders of the cheese community. We have much to thank you for.