Thanksgiving: Some tips on overeating

Ladies and gentlemen, it's that special time of year again. This is when you show your dominance at the dinner table. This is your shot at really impressing that special someone, at kissing up to your boss for a raise, or just a chance to have a rip-snorting good time with some other classy folk. Nothing says "I am a man!" more than turkey stains on your shirt and gravy puddles in your pockets. So loosen your belts, get some stretchy pants if you have to, and let's prepare to eat eat eat!

"But I don't remember the last time I ate and ate until I felt like vomiting," some of you lightweights might say. People! People! Let's not let our forefathers down! And most certainly, don't grab that tub of ice cream, tearing up while you watch your favorite soap, knowing that you don't know the delicate arts of overeating.

Once again, beloved reader, here I am to the rescue. Here are just a few pointers that will help you point a whole turkey if you need.

Be in top physical and mental condition. The delicate art of overeating is not for the light of heart. It requires muscle, it requires strenuous mental effort. A few great pointers I have read that on the day of performing, visualize empty places and a medal around your chest.

Drink a gallon of water in one sitting before you eat. Preferably a few hours before (give youself time to drain). Some of our finest in the realm of competitve eating use this little pointer to perform like a fine tuned machine. Chugging down 120 hot dogs requires only the strictest diligence and a superb air of excellence. Some daring competitors even shoot for a gallon of milk. But if any of you, beloved readers, have been to any sort of party lately, we know the hazards of trying such a task if we are not well prepared to perform it.

Eat whole grapes. This one comes straight from the championed mouth of Takeru Kobayashi. A man among mice, this athlete is not to be taken lightly: he holds a plethora of world records, including four Guiness world records, along with records for eating meatballs, hotdogs, pasta, and (hold your tears, Hostess lovers) twinkies. To the right is the herculean man himself in a daunting task: eating faster and more than a bear. Watch for some inspiration.

And, last but not least, learn some basic technique. Chipmunking: stuffing as much food in your mouth as possible before mastication even sticks its mysterious head around the corner. Dunking: placing food in water to make it soggy, making it easier to go down. But keep in mind that this is often considered disrespectful of the food. Organization: depending on the venue, making a mess is against the rules.

Go out there, and do Abraham Lincoln proud my children.