Thursday, November 22, 2012

Thanksgiving: Some tips on overeating

Ladies and gentlemen, it's that special time of year again. This is when you show your dominance at the dinner table. This is your shot at really impressing that special someone, at kissing up to your boss for a raise, or just a chance to have a rip-snorting good time with some other classy folk. Nothing says "I am a man!" more than turkey stains on your shirt and gravy puddles in your pockets. So loosen your belts, get some stretchy pants if you have to, and let's prepare to eat eat eat!

"But I don't remember the last time I ate and ate until I felt like vomiting," some of you lightweights might say. People! People! Let's not let our forefathers down! And most certainly, don't grab that tub of ice cream, tearing up while you watch your favorite soap, knowing that you don't know the delicate arts of overeating.

Once again, beloved reader, here I am to the rescue. Here are just a few pointers that will help you point a whole turkey if you need.

Be in top physical and mental condition. The delicate art of overeating is not for the light of heart. It requires muscle, it requires strenuous mental effort. A few great pointers I have read that on the day of performing, visualize empty places and a medal around your chest.

Drink a gallon of water in one sitting before you eat. Preferably a few hours before (give youself time to drain). Some of our finest in the realm of competitve eating use this little pointer to perform like a fine tuned machine. Chugging down 120 hot dogs requires only the strictest diligence and a superb air of excellence. Some daring competitors even shoot for a gallon of milk. But if any of you, beloved readers, have been to any sort of party lately, we know the hazards of trying such a task if we are not well prepared to perform it.

Eat whole grapes. This one comes straight from the championed mouth of Takeru Kobayashi. A man among mice, this athlete is not to be taken lightly: he holds a plethora of world records, including four Guiness world records, along with records for eating meatballs, hotdogs, pasta, and (hold your tears, Hostess lovers) twinkies. To the right is the herculean man himself in a daunting task: eating faster and more than a bear. Watch for some inspiration.

And, last but not least, learn some basic technique. Chipmunking: stuffing as much food in your mouth as possible before mastication even sticks its mysterious head around the corner. Dunking: placing food in water to make it soggy, making it easier to go down. But keep in mind that this is often considered disrespectful of the food. Organization: depending on the venue, making a mess is against the rules.

Go out there, and do Abraham Lincoln proud my children.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Starting your own country

File:Molossia - President Kevin Baugh 1.jpg
His highness, the President Kevin
Baugh of the Republic of Molossia
Do you find yourself dominating Risk all the time?  Ever feel like you can relate to our expansionist friends, like Alexander the Great, the Huns, Bonaparte and Microsoft?  Do you find yourself dressing up in military outfits, marching in your bedroom to loud army marches, pretending to give rousing speeches to the inferior peons of your nation-state?  Then this article is for you.

I for myself have considered starting my own country, and believe me, after some careful Wikipedia and Google research, it's not as hard as you think!  Let's go through the steps.

1) Make sure your new nation meet minimum requirements:  You must have a defined territory.  Draw your borders out on a map. You must have a permanent population. Choose something where people live, like a neighborhood.  Disney world unfortunately won't work here. You must have a government, one that is capable of interacting with other states.  This might be the tricky prat, but you could probably just higher a lawyer or something to write up a constitution.

Behold the grandeur of Sealand!
2) Declare independence: while you may join the ranks of micro-nations with the lack of seriousness that comes with it, the UN Charter offers immediate rights to a self-proclaimed independent state.  To name a few: inefficient government isn't grounds to claim a full independence, you can't just wage war and claim that country, and so on.  For further reading, here's the "Declaration of the Granting of Independence to Colonial Countries and Peoples"

3) Get recognized: this is the tricky part.  Each country has its own way of determining whether you're a big deal or not.  So you've just gotta work your national magic!  Start trading.  Contribute to the arts.  Find yourself a Justin Bieber within your borders.

4) Get in on the UN:  Once you've done all of the above and you've proven your peaceloving country is a big deal after all, write a petition to this guy:

Ban Ki-moon
The United Nations
First Ave. at 46th St.
New York, NY 10017

Here's a list of a few new and upcoming smaller countries ready to make their name in world history:

Sealand - a small seaport left over from WWII where a pirate radio broadcaster started to claim that as his territorial land.  Other country heads of state eventually contacted this guy when Britain tried to get this thing back or something.  Has his own currency and everything.

Republic of Molossia - located at a man's house in Dayton, Nevada and some territory in Southern California.  Self-proclaimed "banana-republic."

Dominion of British West Florida - a micro-nation devoted to restoring Florida back to England, the beloved motherland of Florida for 16 years before the Declaration of Independence.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Hot, New Musical Fads

Watch out music world!  There's a splash coming, and it's called "We're playing unique musical instruments"!  No doubt you have been walking the sweet, sweet streets of New York or another glamorous city, and have been entertained by many a-street performer.  We have accordion players, statue/costume guys, magicians, drunks peddling for money, children who pretend to be horribly separated from their parents - it's a real scream!  It's only natural to think, "What kind of unique talent do I have to bring to the table?"  Maybe you thought about how your Uncle Ricky taught you how to play musical spoons, or your grandma went on and on before you fell asleep about some orchestra concert she went to.

Here are some huge musical instruments just getting into the scene just now:

The Humanatone, or "Nose Flute" - believe it or not, people have been sticking many different musical articles in their noses for hundreds of years!  The Philippians, the Hawaiians, and the Chinese have been playing some of their own nose flutes for hundreds of years - but thanks to the miracle of science we have reached the pinnacle of the Nose Flute evolution.  The Humanatone was released to the public at large for the first time in 1904 as a classy musical instrument, and the world has never been the same since.  These are easy to pick up, but hard to put down.

(Movie: Concerto for Nose Flute.  From 4:30-6:10 is where the real magic happens.)

The Kazoo - don't be fooled!  This may seem like a little kid toy, but it is I believe one of the most difficult instruments to master and sound beautiful on.  This little diddy was created here in the states right around the same time as the Humanatone - one of the few popular musical instruments that can claim 100% American roots.  They do however have historical ancestors called the Eunich Flue; our history peeps would snag a tube and stick a thin membrane on the other end like a dried onion skin.  How 'bout that!  The modern kazoo can be found everywhere, from jazz combos to the wildest rock bands.  Rock, rock on!

(Movie: Enter Sand Man performed beautifully by a quartet)

iPhone - chigga-WHA?  You mean I can take my everyday ordinary cell phone and turn it into a virtuoso musical man device?  Oh baby, can you ever.  There are myriad apps that will enable you to turn your miracle device into a musical instrument, including an ocarina, guitar, piano, drumset, you name it! It's not too late to jump onto this fad, and you better do it before too many get on!  Milk this one for what it's worth right now!

(Movie: a band I think playing a bunch of iPhones like a REAL band should!  Yeah yeah yeah!)

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Thanksgiving thoughts and stuff

Nyam nyam!
For some reason, there's only one time of the year that we decide to cook turkeys.  I can't remember the last time I had a cooked turkey for dinner - oh wait.  Thanksgiving.  And what ho!  I'm writing on Thanksgiving!  What are the odds, readers, tell me, what are the odds.

You may throughout the course of the day find yourself positioned behind a glorious feast of beans, potatoes, pies, and if you're Charlie Brown, then popcorn, jellybeans, pretzels and toast.  But before your family dives over the table, knocking over the ornaments and breaking plates to get their ravenous hands on that succulent turkey-dish, let's sit back and think a little.  Have you thought about the character of this dear, dear animal from whom your lips and teeth are viciously tearing slobbery chunks of meat?

Think about it, friends.  Here's some fun facts you can one-up everyone with at your next Thanksgiving party.

  • Turkey is just its street name.  Meleagris gallopavo is its actual name, but don't expect anyone to know that.
  • Benjamin Franklin wanted the turkey to be the national bird.  He wrote in a letter "though [he is] a little vain & silly, [he too is] a bird of courage, and would not hesitate to attack a grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his farm yard with a red coat on."  Riddle me this Benny Franks, ever see an eagle vs. turkey in a fight?  Thought so.
  • Wild turkeys can run up to 25 mph.  The fastest men alive can at their peak run 25-27 mph.  If you see a turkey run off with a woman's purse, odds are you would be better not even trying.
  • A turkey's gobble can be heard up to a mile away.  Meh.
  • The country and Turkey and the bird turkey are two very different things (a shout out for my foreign mystery readers).

Take just a moment, breath in some clean air and let your mind be grateful for this bird of ours that has a little more character than a mouth occupant.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Walkers X-Treme!!!!

File:2005 World Championships in Athletics2.jpg
So you all must think you all are quite the walkers.  Strolling in all like you know what you're doing, throwing your weathered legs against all sorts of walking mediums: wood, granite, gravel, earth, grass, the moon, socks, dirty laundry, oh baby!  You may have quite the waking resume.

But hold your horses, friends.  Before you toss your chin high in the air and spit upon lowly wheelchair and heely users, let me bring you down to earth a little.  You see, you may have heard in whispered voices in dark alleys the taboo sport of "speed-walking," or as the pros call it, Racewalking.

Interested?  Knew you would be.

There are TWO pivotal rules to Racewalking: 1) The ends of your toes cannot leave the pavement until your alternative foot's heel makes contact with the ground, 2) Your leg must be straight from when your heel hits the pavement until it passes from under your body.  Don't expect fair play!  There is plenty of room for dirty cheats; as quoted by Wikipedia: "These rules are judged by the human eye, which creates controversy at today's high speeds."  When you're barreling down that racetrack with fire in your soul, keep your eye out for the dirty cheaters; they might be wearing bowler hats, they may have long, greasy mustaches - at any rate, keep your eyes out.

For you ambitious over-achievers who aim to do everything the very best, I'm sure your heart will feel golden when you hear that indeed there IS AN OLYMPIC EVENT for Racewalking, with distances ranging from 20 km to 50 km.  You can bet there are rest stations along the way for these highly-tuned machines of athletes; there are all sorts of wonderful treats such as water and maybe even raisins if you are lucky.  Go for gold, my Racewalking children!

Walkin' in style, G-unit.  Maybe a little
old for the Olympics, but never too old
for awesomeness.
Last if not least, you may be thinking, "Where should I start?"  Call your local church leader for more information on this exciting, new world of Racewalking.  He should be in the know.  And off-roading for the adventurous kinds?  Be sure to go to your nearby Walmart and purchase a good, healthy pair of trekking poles.

Walk on, walk on.

Friday, September 30, 2011

Possible Theories behind UFOs

UFO :)It's harvest time, baby.  You're more than ecstatic to be alive in the 21st century as a farmer.  You walk through the grassy fields.  You feel the dust and corn scent stickle your glorious nostrils.  Breathe it in!  Become one with the land, farmer-friend, and get ready for a kick-a** harvest, foo!

But as you look off into the glowing sunrise, you notice a crazy sphere of
light dance across the sky, hover over you, then shoot off into the atmosphere at dizzying speeds.  What the!  You should consider yourself lucky, farmer-friend, for it is not an every day event to see such a thing!  Embrace it dude.

Now, this phenomenon is fairly rare, but it is not unheard of.  There are thousands of people who have had the 
wonderful opportunity to get in close contact with the 3rd kind.  But there are some scientists out there that sure love to ruin our fun.  They spit on us and tell us we don't know anything, and they do it in the name of science.
Before your deceptively friendly scientist neighbor starts listing all the ways that you could be wrong, educate yourself, friends!  Read this blog and you will know how to defend yourself against possible theories behind UFOs.

1) Manmade Object
Some scientists will say that it is a weather balloon, or some kind of strange airplane of sorts.  What nonsense!  Explain this: can they make crop circles?  Can they blink different colors?  How can a weather balloon burn down my farm?  Riddle me this, ill-bred scientist.

2) Natural Phenomenon
Some submit that it is "thunder" or "clouds."  First of all, convince me first that THESE things are real.  How do we not know the NASA isn't just putting up optical illusions of thunder and clouds for their own political purposes?  And even if they were real, do you think I'm an idiot and can't tell a cloud from a glowing circle that shoots off into space at near-light speed?  Seriously.

3) Government Projects
This one is a cheap shot.  Who knows what the government is up to!  This is a cheap card played by scientists when they feel like they are in risk of losing the debate.  All the same, when they lay out this card, remind them of Roswell and Area 49 - it looks like to me that aliens and the government are in cahoots with each other.  Why would they even be working together?  They will need a few minutes to mull over that one before they realize that you have cornered them in a logical checkmate!

4) Aliens are Real!
Let's be adults.  Just because you don't see something or understand it completely doesn't mean it's not real.  I'm tired of our scientific community playing empirical peek-a-boo to judge what's real and what's not.  For all we know, aliens are on our side.  Perhaps they are tourists, checking out the sweet things we have to offer, like Oprah or string cheese.  Think about it!

So next time the rest of the town laughs at you and points their fingers at you, you will have a few intellectual responses in your quiver at your service.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Unlikely Getaways

empty mall
Sometimes it hits us.  Bam!  Like a sack of bricks!  You're walking in the mall, looking around and then that's when reality decides to back-hand you.  Sweaty people!  Gross benches!  14 year-olds making out behind you!  Darn you, the mall, and all your pimply imperfections.  Some days we have just had it!  The soda machine didn't have any Coke!  Your favorite knickerbockers that you saved up for aren't on sale anymore!  Rawwh!  You throw down that iPod, rend your T-shirt in two, and break out in a helpless rage of fist pumps and dance to get away from eternity.  But man, you're at the MALL.  You can't simply slap your favorite B-52 tunes and tap dance your trouble until tomorrow.  No sir!  Our blue-outfitted friends wouldn't be too fond of that.  You are enclosed in a box of pop culture and free market with no escape.

Or is there!  Wipe away those tears, sir, and dash to one of the following areas to have an emergency recuperating session from the toils of life and mall shopping:

A&B cushy chair
1) The couch or plushy chairs in book stores - nothing reminds you of the simple joys of like Dr. Seuss and the smell of book glue and legendary librarians of yesterday.  Squeeze your glorious rump into the cottony and graspy hand of delight which we call the "plushy chair."  Kick off some shoes!  Untie that tie and release the snakes!  Let the whole gang chill out for a quick five while you analyze the life alliteration found in Green Eggs and Ham.  You won't regret ever the simple pleasure of having your nose buried in mega-sweet literature.

No book stores?  Easy.  Most malls should have

potted plant2) Potted plants - people take walks in nature all the time to reconnect with their inner-man.  And man, it is a scream!  And I salute the dear sir who thought it expedient to take a part of that precious nature pie, take a slice, wrap it in EZwrap, and share it with our hungry friend called the indoors.  Need a nature walk?  Find a tree!  Need some water?  If you're lucky you'll find some pimpin' cactus chillin' around.  If you're really desperate, and the potted plant permits such a bold move, wedge yourself into the plant somehow, symbolically and literally becoming one with nature.  A breath of fresh air is sure to clear your mind of the pressures of society.

Now if you have the misfortune of being in a low-grade mall that doesn't even have plastic potted plants, then visit

toilet3) The handicapped toilet stalls - this is universal.  You'll find these in any large store or mall you happen to wake up in.  First, be sure that there aren't any handicapped fellows that require its use before you inhabit that stall - you might be in there for a while.  And if there are, make sure they don't have a short temper or are armed - this might make your relaxation session a bit counterproductive if they are either or both of those things.  This is the best.  Just chill in the AC-ed room, pull out your phone and go to town on Angry Birds for a few hours while you catch your sanity.  Just make sure to put your phone on airplane mode so your friends and family don't bother you with their silly search for you.

Anyways friends, please be wary of your mental health in public places!  Tears and emotional times aren't meant to be just shared with your bedroom pillow - but also your friends, potted plants, book stores, and bathrooms!  Now go out there and have fun!