Monday, November 29, 2010

Curious Video Games

So I have a rousing question for all of my readers out there. Have any of you played Mario or some other video games and wondered "How in the world have they come up with the idea for this game?" Well I have the same question. I will hereby attempt to answer this question. But first let's take a look at some of the most unique games out there in the video game universe.

First of course we will take a look at the Super Mario Brothers.
Now this game is really curious in my opinion. Turtles that can fly? Blocks when jumped on money comes out? Eating mushrooms that make you grow? Flowers that make you shoot fire? Feathers that turn you into a flying racoon? What is going on here?! You are playing Super Mario Brothers, that's what! Now where in the world did this game get it's footing? My only guess is someone who was maybe high at the meeting for a video game design. And the rest of the group? Probably high as well, or eating rotissary chicken. But hey, that one crazy concept meeting gave us one of the greatest things to ever hit civilization: a crazy video game that makes little sense but is really fun to play. Anyone who wants to argue is a fool. Evidence is clearly obvious, there have been many many spin offs of the original Mario game, as well he is now the icon of America.

THE VERDICT: someone high on mushrooms thought up the idea for this game.

We also have today the Turok series.

This game is really weird. You are some sort of dinosaur hunter with crazy guns. Your opponents are naturally dinosaurs with bionic parts and machine guns. Some of the bosses you have to fight are a giant eyeball, a 30-foot spider alien, but that's not the craziest part even. There's one boss who regenrates himself in really random ways. First when you cut his hands off, he decides to grow octopus tentacles instead, then when you chop those off out come spider legs plus wings. I think this idea might have been thought up by some sort of schizophrenic Jurassic Park enthusiast. Killing dinosaurs is pretty cool, but bionic dinosaurs with plasma cannons? Sounds a little crazy to me.

THE VERDICT: a schizophrenic Jurassic Park enthusiast.

Last but not least we have Kirby.

This is a really curious piece of workmanship. What is Kirby? Well, the best scholars can figure out is that he is some sort of pink marshmallow vacuum with light purple feet. He has the ability to float in the air, swallow enemies and steal their powers. Where did this come from? My best guess is some head hunter mythology. Cannabalism, flying around, a protagonist, all your basic barbaric mythology all wrapped into one character. But it is really fun, hence he has been in three generations of Super Smash Brothers.

THE VERDICT: a head-hunter mythological tale passed from generation to generation, orally.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Peculiar Propeganda

We all know what it is. Propaganda is what government uses to brainwash its people. But it comes in many different forms, like television, news even to really unnoticed things as well. What are they exactly? Well well, looks like I have a topic for an article to write.

Let's start of with Tetris. "But I thought it was just a game made by Nintendo!" Guess again, fools! It was developed in 1985 by the great Alexey Pajitnov while working at the Academy of Science of the USSR in Moscow. While most enjoyable, Tetris was a very subtle, and very influential piece of propaganda that seeked to unify the Russian people. Fortunently, this game was leaked into Hungary, then Great Britian. "Leaked" or sounds more like to me recovered by the British Secret Service! Here's my theory. Seeing the USSR was again surging in popularity due to development of certain cultral aspects, a team of agents such as 007 was sent in to break up the plot of the Red Communist states. When in the Academy of USSR, these agents deftly stole the programming and successfully recreated this blockbluster game. Russia, in nowise happy with this, sought to counter their espionage through means of lawsuits, and while the legal rights were being disputed the American secret service decided to get in the action. They again stole the copy from Britians for their own good and the game's popularity was explosive. Claiming the credit to their own, Nintendo after getting into a pact with the US government tarnished the name of Russia, causing the eventual downfall of the USSR in 1991. And that's really how it happened, I theorize.

Now I know we all enjoy a good game of table tennis. Although it's beginnings in English were purely innocent back in the 1880's, table tennis has been a slippery slope of government entaglement. It's popularity spread everywhere, but especially into the clutches of yet again another communistic government. China has had us beat in ping pong for about a hundred years, hands down. Can you not see the terribleness of this ploy? "Oh, China? Communist government, but they ARE good ping pong players." Beware, I believe some of us are becoming too comfortable with communism just because we realize that there are talented individuals within their government. Consipracy! They actually probably take some children and while in their innocent youth taint their lives with 10-12 hours a day of practicing ping pong. And it's working! Stop the nonsense! I believe there are only two options to solve this problem: one, burn all ping pong tables in the US or, the easier one, if any of you guys out there are really good at ping pong, let us know! It's about time we challenge the reign of the Chinese ping pong champions!

So guess where this one had it's beginnings. Righto, the marines. The slinky was developed by Richard James, a US marine engineer. He dropped a torsion spring on the ground and watched it roll around on the ground. Upon arriving home, he told his wife he had an idea for a toy. When the idea was taken to the government, surprise surprise, he got a grant immediately. Now this wartime tool has been a common plaything for children for all ages. This toy is BENT on brainwashing our youth to serve in the milirary.

So there you have it. I'm sure that there are many more ways for the government to corrupt our minds. Stay attentive! You never know where the next device will be employed.

Artists Unnoticed

There are so many artists out there in the world today. We've got Picasso, Beehtoven, Mozart, the Blue Man Group, and some even consider Rage Against the Machine. But amougst the throng of these artists who are always seeking to have their name go down in history, there are yet a community or two of artists that are simply ignored! What is going on?!

People, open your eyes! There are people around us begging for our attention, begging us to let them share their art, their souls. So in effort to help you understand that there are a lot more artists out there than what you have on your set playlists on your iPods, allow me to reveal to you some of the greatest classes of artist of our time. Here are some truly underappreciated members of today's artistic society.

First off we have the beatnik. He may seem a little rough on the outisde but he has a heart of pure gold. Sure some beatniks shower less than others, and they can only be found from the hours of midnight to 4 am, but man are they a pack full of talent! Here are some basic talents: playing running basslines, slamming poetry and having all the ins with the cool people. Tell you what, slamming poetry is where it's at. A couple of cool lines, a bass slam, silence, wow! Runs chills down my spine everytime I think about it. There's nothing better to do at three in the morning than go down to the local coffee shop, sit in a nice haze with soft lighting and let jazz and poetry soothe your soul. Except maybe being in bed. But all in all, if Mozart and a beatnik got in a musical fist fight of coolness, beatnik would win hands down. I simply don't see why these guys aren't more popular.

Next we have the tap dancer. Yes, this ageless fashion of dance really has faded for the last few hundred years unfortunently. People simply cultivate other "talents" that they deem more valuable. How ridiculous! Due to the lack of support to these dancers, they were on the verge of extinction just a decade or so ago. Watch out ladies! It's coming back, so keep your eye on this one. How can you not? What is more rapturing than watching the fury of a tap dancer click his shoes on white marble? Hot stuff! I think we may actually witness the rising of another Bill "Bojangles" Robinson! Again I say, keep your eye on this one!

Last but not least, we have jazz vocalists, namely ones who are proficient in "skat". For those of you who really are uncultured "skat" is a form of vocalization where you just sing, and use what ever consonants and sounds fit the noise you want to make. While jumbled nonsense to the unrefined ear, it paints a beautiful canvas of emotion and passion! Let me tell you, the last concert I went to they brought out a guy who could skat for the closing piece, and the music was absoluetly ecstatic! Women cheered! Grown men cried! Children clicked heels! Nuff said.

Now you can see that is it more than obvious that these wonderful people are being blatantly ignored. Why not give them a shot? In the end, maybe YOU could be the next rising star of tap dancing, beatniking, or skatting!

The Empowering Moustache

Since the dawn of time there have been few things more empowering to a common man's life. Yes, more so than the rifle, tv remote, and the pickup truck. The moustache! This is what binds men together, what makes them what they are. Perhaps some of you men may not actually have a moustache. Fear not! You can simply grow one (or those who are unable, I guess you are just plain out of luck.) 

Some of you may doubt: allow me the opportunity for rebuttle. Let's think of some famous figures with moustaches, shall we? Theodore Roosevelt, Albert Einstein, Hulk Hogan, some of the members of the Villiage People and Mr. Monopoly. Proof enough, by anyone's means. But what exactly drives the women bonkers about these articles of facial hair? While a male myself, I do not know the answers. Let me take a few educated guesses as to why they drive the women bonkers:

1. Women cannot grow moustaches themselves
2. It is often a power of wealth or money
3. They often show a high degree of dignity
4. They command attention
5. It's a symbol of high authority (especially back in the days of the black plague)
6. They are hypnotizing
7. Women are incapable of growing moustaches themselves

And the list goes on and on. For those who still aren't conviced, read the news.

Sorry for the short article, but I've got a moustache to grow.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Capitan Planet

In this day of nuclear power plants, 8-packs of beer cans tossed around, and the gaping hole in our ozone, there seems to be no hope for the environment's future. Who are we too call? In whom can we confide? The President? No... Oprah? No... I boldly state we should put our trust in CAPTAIN PLANET!

How could Captain Planet be of great help today? If I come across anyone who asks this I will gladly slap them upside the head. Remember Chernoble? Captain Planet simply would have gusted all of that toxic waste into toxic containers and blasted them into space! Cutting down the trees in the rainforest? No problem. Simply kill all who deftly break any branch from the Amazon. Throw a beer can out from a car? Simply cook them with laser vision and burn them alive. Leave lights on for too long? Prepare for a 15 minute scolding, as seen as on the end of every episode of Captain Planet. Now where is he today? His adventures can easily be found on television.

Now we all know who Captain Planet is, but who are his terrible lackeys? They are the Planeteers, a bunch of roudy teenagers who get way in over their heads and have to call Captain Planet to save their sorry behinds when they get themselves into trouble. Wouldn't it occur to you not to just bust into a government owned power plant and attempt to burn it to the ground? Hadn't occurred to these kids. Let's take a look at each of these little terrors, and try to figure out why someone as cool as Captain Planet would be caught hanging out with these kids.

This is Kwame. Granted, he does have a pretty cool power, he is able to command the earth with his ring, he's able to make mountains, holes out of nowhere, all around pretty handy stuff when you want to crush the school bully under a pile of earth. But don't let his cool power throw you off, he is the worst of the bunch, he blatantly leads these kids into commiting felonies to say the least.

Why Captain Planet would choose to hang out with this little felon? The only thing I can think of his is bling. Not quite a Mr. T by ANY standard, but when you are only able to exist when people point certain rings in the same general direction, I guess you have to take what you can get. But other than that this little puke deserves no respect from the great Captain Planet.

This is Wheeler, the cynical American. His power is to shoot fire. Yeah, real original, Ted Turner. He also lives up to the name of his power. He is a hot-headed kid who apparently thinks he is the next Jackie Chan just because he happened to see a lot of fighting on TV. He is the "fighting spirit" of the team. Might I add the "wannabe" of the team. In episodes "The Predator" and "Population Bomb" Wheeler is seen unsuccessfully wooing the women after wiping out on his surf board. We know that you can't get anywhere without effort, but man, you just gotta learn when to quit sometimes.

I'm guessing the only reason Captain Planet hangs out with this kid is because he's American. And naturally that means he has a useless but impressive knowledge of tv programs and soap operas.

This is Linka, the romantically blind one of the group. She's too dense to notice Wheeler's secret affection for her even though they practically live together. Her superpower is control of the wind. This one is okay, but she hardly ever uses it to its fullest extent. Why settle for shifting the course of wind when you can send a hurricane? She is also apparently the mastermind of the group, figuring out how to escape from government agents is a must when you are in a fugitive environmental terrorist organization.

Captain Planet would definitely hang out with her because she's a hot blonde. End of story. She is pretty smart, which is impressive, but she uses her intellect in the wrong areas. But obviously Captain Planet does hold some affection for her, which will eventually make a really interesting love triangle between Wheeler and the Captain.

This is Gi. Her powers are very unimpressive to say the least. She is able to shoot water (and on occasions manipulate water). Whoopdidoo. I'm pretty sure I can manage the same thing with a super-soaker. She seems to be the technological one of the group, she is most likely the one who hacks into the FBI database and overrides all of the security systems.

Why Captain Planet hangs out with this girl I can honestly say I really have no clue. I can grasp for straws: She's Asian? Which means she can probably play instruments really well? Perhaps it's because she's kind of the nerd of the group, and out of the goodness of the Captain's heart he still hangs out with her? None of these are very likely though, she is really unappreciated by anyone on the team. And rightly so, she is the second weakest member of the team.

Now the last member of the team is so worthless I don't think I will even take the effort to put his picture up. His name is Ma-Ti. His superpower really his pathetic. Did he pick the short straw? Lose some bet? He wound up with "Love" as a superpower somehow. He's probably one of those scrawny weird kids at elementary school we all picked on because he was so pathetic. In his efforts to fight evil, he counters with hugs and compliments, and kind words. Good luck there, buddy, what you will get in return for your lame attempt to curb crime will probably be a punch to the face. As the saying goes, "No good work goes unpunished."

The only plausible reason why Captain Planet would hang out with this total loser is the monkey he has around. While Ma-Ti is rather boring, this monkey is quite the character! He's got zest, spirit, and a great sense of humor. I don't think I ever laughed so hard when in season three he undid the lever and let all those kids fall into the pit. Oh man! But more seriously, that monkey is the only reason why that kid is still on the team. He should have died a long, long time ago.

Well there you have it, the only real reason why Captain Planet hangs out with these terrible kids is because he is pretty much bound to. I think it's about time we had a changing of the guard with the rings. Why not give them to responsible adults rather than a bunch of looney teenagers?

Well to wrap things up, I would like to strongly advise you not to litter or dump your garbage into the town lake. You could be the next victim of the Planeteers. Let's only hope when they call out Captain Planet he will resolve things with some bit of sense.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Icicles: Satan's Handguns

"There will be blood tonight," the
icicles whisper among themselves
There lurks about us an unnoticed enemy. These enemies of ours disguise themselves in natural beauty. Don't be fooled! While they are good looking and they ornament well with the Christmas holiday, Icicles are Satan's handguns. Turn back the clock if you will, and remember when you were young and your mother warned you of falling icicles and how they have killed people. As you roll your eyes you stroll out of the house paying no heed to this warning. Fools move! As you slam the door, an icicle dislodges itself and sends its sinister self down to strike you in the skull! Had you listened to reason, you would not have had that nasty bump on your head. Let that serve as a lesson to you, little one, let you consider yourself lucky, escaping the grasps of the black-hearted icicle!
This could be you!

So I ask the question, why let them strike first? They strike us on the heads, drip in warmer weather, making black ice; they are simply getting out of line! My plea is with you writers here today is don't let them have the chance to take another life away! Strike them first! Grab them from the rooftops! Smash them on the ground! Throw rocks at them! Give them no second chances because they will give you none. If any of you are not quite "expert" on icicles and you would like a little more information before taking an all out-war against these horrible demons, I have taken the liberty to classify these icicles and give you some statics about them. Please also note that I have only picked the most notorious icicles; there are about 20-30 classifications I have made. Here is the first:


Stealth: 8
Sinister: 10
Danger: 7

Here it is folks. These suckers love to feed on the blood of your children. "Oh, but they make adorable decorations!" I'm sure, why not hang razor blades and hand grenades up as well? I remind you again: Don't be fooled! These are very very common icicles, and as well as very very sinister icicles.


Stealth: 5
Sinister: 7
Danger: 10

I don't know if I need to go into length on these. You could say these are the "bouncers" of icicles. Ruiners of parties, they fall on your head with great force.


Stealth: 9
Sinister: 6
Danger: 7

Not only do these inflict woe and terror upon the sweet woodland creatures, but also to: the sweet romantic couple, a common bird watcher, and lumberjacks. Take no comfort in going under a tree when a brush of wind comes along. Before you know it, thousands of these satanic icicles are hurling at your face!


Stealth: 0
Sinister: 10
Danger: 10

As you can see, this poor woman picked HER friends rather poorly. Obviously, the icicles are not in their natural habitat, but they seem to have a magical quality that turns normal human beings into thoughtless icicle harvesting bafoons! What danger do they pose, some may say. Well imagine this, a child is playing football and dives to catch the ball. Little does he know he is seconds away from stumbling into the jagged, cold teeth of winter, which will doubtlessly marr his body at least. Beware, these flash danger!

Well there you have it, I hope I have educated you sufficiently to help me in the cause of eliminating this thorn of the winter blossom. I will also be taking donations for the cause, the money collected will go 100% to the victims of icicle accidents. Thank you for your time.

The New and Exciting Sport of Cup Stacking

For ages men and women across all lands have been engaged in terrible brutish sport. We have terrible games such as football, where to win you may either kill your opponents or carry a dried corpse to one extremity of the field. There are also other mind-numbing sports such as: Soccer, Chess, Curling, Trampoline, Boxing, as well as other sports that have thoroughly embarrassed humanity for 1000's of years. It is about time that we have a gentleman's sport: Sport Stacking.

Sport Staking is the latest craze that is sweeping the nation. What other sport combines such dexterity, such dignity, and such poise? People line up for these sporters, they pay through the nose to watch these stackers go crazy with a common pair (but also WSSA approved) of these mesmorizing plastic cups, and when the competition is done, what fond memories have been created! Not only is there great satisfaction for the spectator, but also for the athlete. There is no real competitor, but the self. The only goal for this great sport is to do what you do best, faster and more efficiently.

Now we are truly blessed to be caught only in the beginning phases of this movement. This sport has only really caught on the last 5-10 years, so we can most assuredly expect to see greater things out of the next generation of Sport Stackers. With all of this nonesense in the world, what with war and death, I tell you there are few greater comforts than seeing a commercial on TV for cup Stackers for the kids! It's hip! Not only that, but we are helping in raising the next generation of champions.

I understand that reading this article may have excited even you to try out this new and fashionable hobby. But you don't know how to start? Let me give you the basics. Here what we stackers call the "3-6-3".

You see, it's rather simple. You take the stacked cups, and quickly assemble them in simple triangles from left to right, them unassemble them in the same fashion. There are quite a few different styles, but I believe that this will most definately get you on the right footing.

Here are some very helpful pointers for you champion hopefuls:

1. Use both hands

2. Hold the cups correctly: hold the cups gently with the tips of the fingers. The palms and base of fingers should not come into contact with the cups. Hold the cups on the side, not around the top.

3. Don't slam the cups when downstacking; let gravity do the work for you

4. Start slow! Every champion had to start at one time

5. Make sure to include warm-up drills before serious practicing and taking time

Well the best of luck to you who surge forward in this great cause. Let me also suggest for those who do not want to take this quite so seriously, it also makes for a fun date night, drinking games, winning bets, and all around impressings women. Happy Stacking!

For more information, please visit 

Bob Barker: A Tribute

Bob Barker, a god amoungst mortals. Before you think you start to think you know what Bob Barker is all about, why not read his 100% accurate, perfectly legitamite stories life that I am about to dictate?

Let's begin at the beginning. Bob Barker was a strapling youth birthed in Darrington, Washington. He grew up on the Rosebud Indian Reservation with his parents Matilda and Byron. Needless to say, that is obviously where he picked up his rugged good looks and take-no-nonesense from anyone attitude. He was blessed with a bright mind and even a better body. He was able to leap buildings in a single bound, and calculate even the most complicated physic equations in just seconds. Yet, while Bob was growing on this reservation, destiny played a sour chord which sent Bob hurling into the dark abyss of mourning.

Byron, Barker's father fell a devastiting 50-foot drop on the job. Yes, he was indeed an electrician, while working busily on a telephone pole, he fell to his death. Bob Barker was devastated. What could he do?

Now is the part of speculation. Scholars are still debating of what exactly what Barker did next, but the most believable theory thus far is this: Matilda, Barker's mother, remarried and they moved to Springfield, Missouri. Barker, obviously scarred from his father's tragic, tragic death masked his emotion of self-hate and doubt behind a three-piece jazz band. They were called "The Scatters". While no emmy was awarded to this group, Barker did indeed win self-belief and the will to carry on.

While pondering in the backyard of his high school house, he found himself suddenly immersed in playing basketball. He could shoot like no one could believe, backwards, forwards, slam dunks, and all that jazz (no pun intended). He was a regular Wally Szczerbiak! Before he knew it, he was playing on a scholarship for the Drury College. What grace and beauty where his moves on the floor! Here are some specators comments on a few games he played,

"He wowed us with his gracious basketball skills!" - Steven Hawkings

"It was just like ballet" - Sean Connery

"I expect to see great things from Bob Barker" - Moses Malone

"He is a regular Wally Szczerbiak!" - Thomas Edison

Yes, his sports career was indeed going well for him. But it seems fate again has made an interesting turn in Barker's life. WWII started in the middle of his career. He was a navy airpilot. Although his flying skills were exceptional, he was not comisisoned during the war. Barker never actually saw wartime action. Disguisted, Barker returned again to where his schooling took place. He was out of shape, Basketball was no longer on the mind. So he hit the books, and graduated with a degree in Economics.

In search for his first job, Barker flew to Florida where he made a big name for himself around town. If you asked any elderly members of the Florida community about Barker, they would give him a compliment. He found is his passion there in that great Sunshine State of Florida, hosting audience-participation gameshows. While he was hosting "Truth or Consequences", people cheered!  Ladies screamed! Dogs barked! He was an instant hit with the people, he was revered easily as the greatest person ever in the State of that spanish given land, Florida.

Well the rest is history, folks. He signed onto the Price is Right on the great date of September 4th, 1972. We will always revere his 50 years of excellence, his life served out as a greatly valued member of the society of TV. We will miss you, Bob Barker, we will indeed miss you.

The Wonders of Mapquest

Mapquest: A Golden Compass
of the Ages
So I have come across a life saver the other day. It may have saved me from taking a false detour and thereby making my trip fruitless. What was this device that saved Ethan's day, you may ask? Picture this: you are cruising down a road in a nice green car trying to find your way. Upon needing directions you whip out a handy Mapquest to assist you in your travels. "Turn left at 400 South." Uh-oh. Due to a stressful day, remembering to bring your keys, phone, iPod, friend and other countless items you have LOST TRACK OF YOUR ABILITY TO DISCERN LEFT AND RIGHT!

Stress no more, friend.

The solution lays a few spaces to the right. The line will read more or less exactly like this:

"Turn left at 400 South (turn west)."

I don't know about any of you commoners out there, but I assure you that my life has been saved many many times by Mapquest's considerate and noble efforts to include cardinal directions. With the loss of "left and right discernment" (as dictated by many noteworthy scientists probably, such as Einstein and Castro), with just the help of a simple compass I can turn any direction. Turn west? Simple. Turn 67 degrees north? Child's play. WNW on the next six-way stop? Let's not get carried away. The valiant and heroic efforts of Mapquest should win a Noble Prize, at least in my opinion as well as millions of others.

Why stop there? I am so inspired by this refreshing cause that I will work for these goals:

1. Ensure a compass will be included with every car purchase. I do not mean the electronic compass, we cannot rely on computers forever you know. Why not try the traditional way?

2. Applaud the President of Mapquest by means of a certificate. It will be a landscape certificate with embrodierments for fancy decorative reasons.

Let me end with this: Ethan Busby and I only go by cardinal directions wherever we go. I went to a Wal-Mart to ask for directions. Here is how the conversation carried out, "Good sir, which way may I find the gas station?" "Why, you just carry yourself out those doors and take three lefts, and you are practically there." "Sir, I have have forgone using lefts and rights. Would you describe it to me in the ways of old-fashionry?" "My apologies sir. Take you a turn to the north, another to the east, once more to the south." "Good day." "Good day."

I think that speaks for itself.