Monday, November 22, 2010

Capitan Planet

In this day of nuclear power plants, 8-packs of beer cans tossed around, and the gaping hole in our ozone, there seems to be no hope for the environment's future. Who are we too call? In whom can we confide? The President? No... Oprah? No... I boldly state we should put our trust in CAPTAIN PLANET!

How could Captain Planet be of great help today? If I come across anyone who asks this I will gladly slap them upside the head. Remember Chernoble? Captain Planet simply would have gusted all of that toxic waste into toxic containers and blasted them into space! Cutting down the trees in the rainforest? No problem. Simply kill all who deftly break any branch from the Amazon. Throw a beer can out from a car? Simply cook them with laser vision and burn them alive. Leave lights on for too long? Prepare for a 15 minute scolding, as seen as on the end of every episode of Captain Planet. Now where is he today? His adventures can easily be found on television.

Now we all know who Captain Planet is, but who are his terrible lackeys? They are the Planeteers, a bunch of roudy teenagers who get way in over their heads and have to call Captain Planet to save their sorry behinds when they get themselves into trouble. Wouldn't it occur to you not to just bust into a government owned power plant and attempt to burn it to the ground? Hadn't occurred to these kids. Let's take a look at each of these little terrors, and try to figure out why someone as cool as Captain Planet would be caught hanging out with these kids.

This is Kwame. Granted, he does have a pretty cool power, he is able to command the earth with his ring, he's able to make mountains, holes out of nowhere, all around pretty handy stuff when you want to crush the school bully under a pile of earth. But don't let his cool power throw you off, he is the worst of the bunch, he blatantly leads these kids into commiting felonies to say the least.

Why Captain Planet would choose to hang out with this little felon? The only thing I can think of his is bling. Not quite a Mr. T by ANY standard, but when you are only able to exist when people point certain rings in the same general direction, I guess you have to take what you can get. But other than that this little puke deserves no respect from the great Captain Planet.

This is Wheeler, the cynical American. His power is to shoot fire. Yeah, real original, Ted Turner. He also lives up to the name of his power. He is a hot-headed kid who apparently thinks he is the next Jackie Chan just because he happened to see a lot of fighting on TV. He is the "fighting spirit" of the team. Might I add the "wannabe" of the team. In episodes "The Predator" and "Population Bomb" Wheeler is seen unsuccessfully wooing the women after wiping out on his surf board. We know that you can't get anywhere without effort, but man, you just gotta learn when to quit sometimes.

I'm guessing the only reason Captain Planet hangs out with this kid is because he's American. And naturally that means he has a useless but impressive knowledge of tv programs and soap operas.

This is Linka, the romantically blind one of the group. She's too dense to notice Wheeler's secret affection for her even though they practically live together. Her superpower is control of the wind. This one is okay, but she hardly ever uses it to its fullest extent. Why settle for shifting the course of wind when you can send a hurricane? She is also apparently the mastermind of the group, figuring out how to escape from government agents is a must when you are in a fugitive environmental terrorist organization.

Captain Planet would definitely hang out with her because she's a hot blonde. End of story. She is pretty smart, which is impressive, but she uses her intellect in the wrong areas. But obviously Captain Planet does hold some affection for her, which will eventually make a really interesting love triangle between Wheeler and the Captain.

This is Gi. Her powers are very unimpressive to say the least. She is able to shoot water (and on occasions manipulate water). Whoopdidoo. I'm pretty sure I can manage the same thing with a super-soaker. She seems to be the technological one of the group, she is most likely the one who hacks into the FBI database and overrides all of the security systems.

Why Captain Planet hangs out with this girl I can honestly say I really have no clue. I can grasp for straws: She's Asian? Which means she can probably play instruments really well? Perhaps it's because she's kind of the nerd of the group, and out of the goodness of the Captain's heart he still hangs out with her? None of these are very likely though, she is really unappreciated by anyone on the team. And rightly so, she is the second weakest member of the team.

Now the last member of the team is so worthless I don't think I will even take the effort to put his picture up. His name is Ma-Ti. His superpower really his pathetic. Did he pick the short straw? Lose some bet? He wound up with "Love" as a superpower somehow. He's probably one of those scrawny weird kids at elementary school we all picked on because he was so pathetic. In his efforts to fight evil, he counters with hugs and compliments, and kind words. Good luck there, buddy, what you will get in return for your lame attempt to curb crime will probably be a punch to the face. As the saying goes, "No good work goes unpunished."

The only plausible reason why Captain Planet would hang out with this total loser is the monkey he has around. While Ma-Ti is rather boring, this monkey is quite the character! He's got zest, spirit, and a great sense of humor. I don't think I ever laughed so hard when in season three he undid the lever and let all those kids fall into the pit. Oh man! But more seriously, that monkey is the only reason why that kid is still on the team. He should have died a long, long time ago.

Well there you have it, the only real reason why Captain Planet hangs out with these terrible kids is because he is pretty much bound to. I think it's about time we had a changing of the guard with the rings. Why not give them to responsible adults rather than a bunch of looney teenagers?

Well to wrap things up, I would like to strongly advise you not to litter or dump your garbage into the town lake. You could be the next victim of the Planeteers. Let's only hope when they call out Captain Planet he will resolve things with some bit of sense.

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