Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Need Wedding Ideas?

You and your fiance are wondering, "What should we do for our wedding day?"  You don't want another dull wedding in a lame grassy hill, or in a crusty old church.  All of these ways of getting eloped is old hat!  And you can't have that!  Want some fireworks?  Lightsabers?  The feeling that the force is in the air?  Perhaps Frodo Baggins to pop out of a wedding cake?

Then these solutions may be just for you.

Star Wars

This certainly is a popular pick for Trekkies and astronomy enthusiasts alike!  Ready to show your romance taken to places far, far away?  Let the force be your guide as you select which celestial flowers are to adorn your beautiful Leia hair curls!  Slice your wedding cake with a Jedi-built lightsaber, then for a keepsake immortalize the lightsaber crystals in your wedding ring.  And for the hubby, be sure to buy an authentic wedding band made of meteorite metals (google it!).  There's no end to love with Star Wars - and that's a fact!

Lord of the Rings

If that perhaps doesn't tickle your fancy, maybe you could take a more nature-oriented route as you search for romance in the shady woodlands of the Shire!  Nothing screams "I'm in love" more than a knife fight between Gandalf and an Orc!  Be sure to tell your guests to bring their own weapons.


So maybe you've been dating this Asian cool girl for a while, and you're thinking about getting married!  Well, you can't quite give up the midnight Tetris marathons or the guys-night-out tourneys of Halo.  So do you give one up over the other!  H no!  Compromise!  Nintendo weddings offer the finest of decor and sensation as the beautiful joining of man and wife happen.  As you can see from this picture, this Tetris cake really just elates ecstatic emotion into the room!  Tears drizzle as the cake is cut, and the special honeymooners are off to play some sweet, sweet Mario Kart before those magic moments.  Winky Face!

So dear audiences, if you find yourself having difficulty picking what theme you can have, there are plenty of options!  Feel free to send me a $5 tip if you decide to use any of my ideas.

Friday, March 18, 2011

Zelda Sandals

I've heard all sorts of names for these wonderful kinds of sandals.  Take your pick:

Zelda Sandals
Princess Xena Sandals
Moses Sandals
Plain Ugly

These are curious footwear that women have found interest in for the last couple of years - they eat your foot with dozens of leather straps then shackle themselves onto your ankles.  Some reports even show that mystical crystals interlaced in the shoe have zombified their wearers!  Please wear these shoes with caution - while you may think (or at least the ZOMBIE you may think) having your lengthy legs stroll in past the door at a party will make you talk of the town - they are sassy footwear indeed!  These have either the power to dazzle/zombify your friends at the party, or send you running home to your mommy.
A prime example of the Zelda Sandal
What do you do to make sure these risky sandals are a success? First off, make sure you don't egg your shoes on - that is to say, don't wear a robe, or a Legend of Zelda outfit.  You WILL be the butt of all the jokes - and not in the good way!  Also, make sure that you are a little saucy.  Give some spunk!  Let's face it gurlz, these are WOMAN sandals.  When you strap these man-hunter sandals on it's time to put the Barbies away.

Just a quick post for some food for thought - ladies.  Be sure to wisely craft your footwear choices lest you fall into the pitfall of being "that weird Zelda girl" excluded from all the Mario Kart tourneys and Spin the Bottle matches.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

Hot Vacation Spots: The Orient

china!!Having long dull days at the office?  Having problems enjoying family time?  Tired of looking over cliffs edges wondering what it would feel like to jump off?  Looks like you need a great vacation time!  Look no further than the Orient!  China, Japan, Taiwan, and Chinatown (for our thrifty spenders out there) are fantastic locations for all sorts of adventure - whether it be romance, murder mysteries, or dog fights!  They have it all!

Just feel that thick Oriental air glossing across your skin as you stroll down Beijing Square - and shazam!  Look to your left and watch two Ninjas get in a fist fight!  Look to your right and watch a panda tumble through a grassy patch!  Buy a hotdog!  Feed a kitten!  This is your town.

If you find yourself in Beijing, our Asian culture experts exhort you to visit a Sumo wrestling match.  If you haven't had a good, emotional cry in a longtime, this may just be the thing to see!  There's nothing more moving than watching these two beautiful, big men struggle to shove each other out of the circle in the great symbolism of the fight against good and evil.  Then it happens!  A rogue ninja leaps in the circle and slashes the fighters up into bite-sized pieces!  A dancing dragon flies through the air!  Asian fireworks!  What in the world is happening!

It's the orient baby, and you've just gotta go with the flow.

Next stop?  The market!  You've seen those movies - there's usually monkeys climbing around and mysterious looking men walking around selling strange fruits and things.  If you want a few awesome knick-knacks to send back to the family, grab some triangle hats for the wife!  Chinese stars for the kids!  Just be sure to dodge the eventual gun fight that will take place - after all, when's the last time you saw a market scene in a movie without it bursting into a glorious fist fight?

This is for you!  Pack your backs, and travel to the Orient!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Selecting your Morning Cereal

cerealSo there you are in the morning digging through your collection of kinds of cereal.  "When in the world did I buy so much cereal?" you mutter to yourself as you push past the Cheerios, the Honey Oats, the Frosted Flakes, Pops, Fruit Loops, various sorts of Quaker oatmeals, Lucky Charms, those cheap plastic Best Western bags of cereal remaining unopened, Raisin Bran, Captain Crunch, Trix, Chex, Rice Krispies, Apple Jacks and finally Frosted Mini Wheats.  As the cereal boxes and bags spill out from our open door, you remember why you never eat cereal.  You have a migraine!  You get dizzy!  You tumble clumsily to the floor to the fetal position, bowl in hand, and with tears in your eyes you shout, "What cereal am I supposed to eat today!?"  Cause, you've only got one shot at this, sugar, and you better make your one choice of cereal bowl the best possible.  This horrible choice with thousands of options must be answered lickedy-split lest the morning evaporate before you and you find yourself at your desk job again with an empty stomach.

Let's weigh out the options:
Sugar Bear
Sugary Cereal
A fine choice fit for Saturday mornings and sugar rushes.  It's hard to go wrong with this guy, at least if you're planning on eating soon.  Sure a bowl of Cocoa Puffs may seem like it's feeling after you slide that grainy stuff down your glorious esophagus - but that stuff dissipates faster than you ate it and your stomach is craving for more just a few hours later.  These are perhaps the cigarette of cereal groups - only to be used for light enjoyment for the time being.  And you better have a backup plan friend, unless you want crippling stomach pains to shove you down to your knees two hours before lunch break.

cereal and berriesHealthy Cereal
Great for health nuts and old people alike.  These cereals tend to pack serious fiber for more cooperation for those private times.  Need to write poetry?  Eat this stuff.  Need to impress your boss while feeling like you could run a marathon all day long?  Eat up, man!  Now, the main downside to this stuff is that it feels like you're stuffing straw into your face soaked with milk - no taste bud pleasures will ensue from the pursuit of our ever-available healthy cereal.

Can"Is this Cereal?" Cereal
I'm talking about those weird cereals that fall into the mystery category.  Popcorn, oatmeal, brown rice, you name it.  These are the rarities you tend not to find in flashy boxes are really up to you how they are received. People eat fruit with them, sugar, syrup, brown sugar - this is the adventure cereal!  If you've got a few spare minutes and you're ready to release the inner-chef, grab some mayo and cheese!  And let the inner chef take hold of your senses as you cultivate the Cereal of 2011.

Wipe those tears from your eyes, scout!  Stand up and straighten out your pants! Use this guide for your benefit, and you will not go amiss.

Monday, March 7, 2011

10 Ways You Could Ruin Someone's Day

Doggone it!  Your neighbor Richard has let the air out of your tires for the last time!  And who knows if you can stand him kidnapping your kid one more time!  You are just ready to let him have it.  Unfortunately for you, you are an avid church goer who couldn't so much as point your finger in unChrist-like anger.  What in the world do you do!  You haven't ever thought about getting revenge on someone, so I took the liberty of writing a list of how to do it.

Here are 10 ways you could ruin your pathetic neighbor's day.

1) Break each finger of his individually.  And do it tactfully, moving from knuckle to knuckle on each digit causing a fracture in each part.  That will hamper his ability to hack into your bank accounts anymore!

2) Set their alarm clock to 4:15 in the morning.  Be sure to put a baby alarm next to it as well so you can savor their moaning and tears of frustration as they realize you broke off the knob that turns it off.

3) Replace all the food they have in their house with wax replicas and empty boxes.  Do this especially right before they bring a date over, or are having the Jehovah's Witnesses over.

4) Leave brownies from a "special someone" embedded with ex-lax and thumbtacks.

5) Gather all the local Amish and form a riot, convincing them that your enemy is a witch who feeds children to the elderly.

6) At night transplant the plants from their garden into the dumpster.  When asked about it, smile wryly and say, "Looks like they're on the move again!"

7) Sticking gum in that little hole where you stick your key is always a success

8) While he's asleep (you may need to drug him up for this one), put a straight jacket on him and lock him in an empty, yellow room.

9) Mix up things in his house - put food coloring in with his mouthwash, or maybe hair removal cream in his conditioner.

10) Another great one to do while he's asleep - take an electric razor and promptly shave off an eyebrow!  He'll sure be the hit of the party when everyone is snickering about the moron with one eyebrow.

Well, that's a start.  Hopefully that list will inspire you to come up with your own evil deeds.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

The 8th Deadly Sin: Cracking Knuckles

KNUCKLE CRACKThere's just a couple of things that I love to do that I hate to watch other people do.  Eating a whole pizza is one of them.  PDA also is another one (even though it's been a good while).  But boy, let me tell you there's nothing more nerve-wracking and ear grinding like the satanic practice of cracking knuckles!  Picture this, friends.  You're sitting down at a summery sandwich bar outside.  You're enjoying the cool breeze brush its fingers through your hair and you bite right into those sensational rye bread kneaded by the hands of culinary gods - and then you hear that miserable sound.  CRACK!  SIZZLE!  POP!  By the sounds of it, you either poured nasty non-sugared cereal into your morning bowl, or that Asian lady three blocks away really went to town on her fingers.  Yuck, yuck, YUCK!  I don't wish this terrible torture on my worst enemies - eating while hearing those horrible fingers cracked.

What can you do to guard yourself against such a sin?

First you must set the example for yourself and close friends.  Only crack knuckles where you would be unashamedly naked: the locker room, your bedroom, and the beach.  NOWHERE else.  This is a direct violation of etiquette, and such slobbish pigs who do so should be hauled off to the gulag!

These fingers could be yours if you
find yourself cracking them around me!
Next you must react ever-so rashly whenever you hear someone else crack their fingers.  Don't stand for that insolence!  Shoot them dirty looks, whisper behind their backs with curse words thrown in.  If you have to, break their hands!  Let's see them crack those dislocated fingers of theirs now!

Please spread the word, and remember this simple acronym: PACFAOET!  People Against Cracking Fingers and Other Evil Things!