Monday, March 7, 2011

10 Ways You Could Ruin Someone's Day

Doggone it!  Your neighbor Richard has let the air out of your tires for the last time!  And who knows if you can stand him kidnapping your kid one more time!  You are just ready to let him have it.  Unfortunately for you, you are an avid church goer who couldn't so much as point your finger in unChrist-like anger.  What in the world do you do!  You haven't ever thought about getting revenge on someone, so I took the liberty of writing a list of how to do it.

Here are 10 ways you could ruin your pathetic neighbor's day.

1) Break each finger of his individually.  And do it tactfully, moving from knuckle to knuckle on each digit causing a fracture in each part.  That will hamper his ability to hack into your bank accounts anymore!

2) Set their alarm clock to 4:15 in the morning.  Be sure to put a baby alarm next to it as well so you can savor their moaning and tears of frustration as they realize you broke off the knob that turns it off.

3) Replace all the food they have in their house with wax replicas and empty boxes.  Do this especially right before they bring a date over, or are having the Jehovah's Witnesses over.

4) Leave brownies from a "special someone" embedded with ex-lax and thumbtacks.

5) Gather all the local Amish and form a riot, convincing them that your enemy is a witch who feeds children to the elderly.

6) At night transplant the plants from their garden into the dumpster.  When asked about it, smile wryly and say, "Looks like they're on the move again!"

7) Sticking gum in that little hole where you stick your key is always a success

8) While he's asleep (you may need to drug him up for this one), put a straight jacket on him and lock him in an empty, yellow room.

9) Mix up things in his house - put food coloring in with his mouthwash, or maybe hair removal cream in his conditioner.

10) Another great one to do while he's asleep - take an electric razor and promptly shave off an eyebrow!  He'll sure be the hit of the party when everyone is snickering about the moron with one eyebrow.

Well, that's a start.  Hopefully that list will inspire you to come up with your own evil deeds.