Friday, November 19, 2010

Icicles: Satan's Handguns

"There will be blood tonight," the
icicles whisper among themselves
There lurks about us an unnoticed enemy. These enemies of ours disguise themselves in natural beauty. Don't be fooled! While they are good looking and they ornament well with the Christmas holiday, Icicles are Satan's handguns. Turn back the clock if you will, and remember when you were young and your mother warned you of falling icicles and how they have killed people. As you roll your eyes you stroll out of the house paying no heed to this warning. Fools move! As you slam the door, an icicle dislodges itself and sends its sinister self down to strike you in the skull! Had you listened to reason, you would not have had that nasty bump on your head. Let that serve as a lesson to you, little one, let you consider yourself lucky, escaping the grasps of the black-hearted icicle!
This could be you!

So I ask the question, why let them strike first? They strike us on the heads, drip in warmer weather, making black ice; they are simply getting out of line! My plea is with you writers here today is don't let them have the chance to take another life away! Strike them first! Grab them from the rooftops! Smash them on the ground! Throw rocks at them! Give them no second chances because they will give you none. If any of you are not quite "expert" on icicles and you would like a little more information before taking an all out-war against these horrible demons, I have taken the liberty to classify these icicles and give you some statics about them. Please also note that I have only picked the most notorious icicles; there are about 20-30 classifications I have made. Here is the first:


Stealth: 8
Sinister: 10
Danger: 7

Here it is folks. These suckers love to feed on the blood of your children. "Oh, but they make adorable decorations!" I'm sure, why not hang razor blades and hand grenades up as well? I remind you again: Don't be fooled! These are very very common icicles, and as well as very very sinister icicles.


Stealth: 5
Sinister: 7
Danger: 10

I don't know if I need to go into length on these. You could say these are the "bouncers" of icicles. Ruiners of parties, they fall on your head with great force.


Stealth: 9
Sinister: 6
Danger: 7

Not only do these inflict woe and terror upon the sweet woodland creatures, but also to: the sweet romantic couple, a common bird watcher, and lumberjacks. Take no comfort in going under a tree when a brush of wind comes along. Before you know it, thousands of these satanic icicles are hurling at your face!


Stealth: 0
Sinister: 10
Danger: 10

As you can see, this poor woman picked HER friends rather poorly. Obviously, the icicles are not in their natural habitat, but they seem to have a magical quality that turns normal human beings into thoughtless icicle harvesting bafoons! What danger do they pose, some may say. Well imagine this, a child is playing football and dives to catch the ball. Little does he know he is seconds away from stumbling into the jagged, cold teeth of winter, which will doubtlessly marr his body at least. Beware, these flash danger!

Well there you have it, I hope I have educated you sufficiently to help me in the cause of eliminating this thorn of the winter blossom. I will also be taking donations for the cause, the money collected will go 100% to the victims of icicle accidents. Thank you for your time.

1 comment: