Thursday, February 24, 2011

Capitalizing Your Time as the Third Wheel

Embrace your passions.
Can't find a date?  Are you tired of trying to hit that secret shortcut on Rainbow Road for Mario Kart?  Dear sir, I do believe you need a breath of fresh air - this may be the opportune time to borrow romance from your friend.  Hot dog!  Ready for pizza, ice cream, a romantic movie with no strings attached?  You can have all the enjoyment of a date without even getting your hands messy!  This is a common joy for all men of all time periods.  So, strap on that seatbelt, watch that make out session (and then some!) and get ready to really enjoy your time as the third wheel!

Now, there are a couple of key things you can do to make your third-wheel moments even more momentous than before!

the third wheel
Obama - the Ultimate Third Wheel
1) Kissy noises - sure it's great to watch your friend and his shawty go at it.  It really is a show!  But what happens after two or three hours?  Even the best Nintendo games get a little old after that long.  So what can you do to stomp out that tender moment?  Kissy noises!  This is a good slap-up-the-head kind of reminder that love is fairly mushy.  Sure it's great when it's YOU but heavens to Betsy you ever watch anyone else hold hands or spoon.  You, the third wheel (who unlike most people enjoy watching intense PDA) give them a polite reminder that even watching PDA gets old.

So now you ended that nonsense, off to the bowling alley finally!  So how are you going to enjoy yourself now?

woot bowling shoes
I really hope the guy on the top
right is wearing pants.
2) Make fun of the couple individually.  Poke fun at your guy friend.  Rail his girlfriend - and don't hold back!  Point out that she has clown-sized feet and trips over them constantly before hurling that bowling ball into the gutter.  "Nice gutter ball, sasquatch!"  Don't exclude the guy friend from all the fun!  Remind him that he's only been to the gym twice.  Assist him when he tries to pick up that heavy bowling ball.  Mention loudly about how his last girlfriend got dumped after a game of bowling - after all, they only dated 18 months.  Let those insults fly, and you'll be sure to find yourself surrounded with chuckles and smiling eyes!

That was fun!  You came out on top with your bowling remembering to thwart your opponents at every chance you got.  Now it's off to eat pizza!  What now!

mmmmm3) So the couple ordered the same pizza, eh?  Be sure to get the same one too!  You've got to get in on some of this romance stuff, too!  Remember to look at the menu and mention loudly in disbelief how many calories there are in the pizza.  If you really want to impress the couple you're with, eat your pizza as fast as you can, and when you're done try to see how many pieces of theirs you can steal without them noticing while they gaze romantically into each other's eyes.  So many benefits of your friend dating someone!  Now the ice cream is rolled out, and again, being critical of the couple is KEY.  Mention that chocolate has evil spirits according to Mayan legend.  Make crap up if you have to!  You'll be sure to be the life of the party and the talk of the night!

Wowie, that was sure fun!  Sometimes after high-fiving your friend and hugging his girl and saying tender goodbyes you wonder, "Why am I still single!"  No need to fear friend, let your video games keep you company for a while, and if you keep striking out, I'm sure you friend will be sure to have you tag along on as many dates as you can!

1 comment:

  1. hahaha wooooow. sounds like someone has had a little experience here, huh? You could always just ask someone on a date you know.

    Excellent comeback article