Wheels, wheels.

There are far too many options for wheels these days. No no ladies, I'm not talking about Mercedes or other fine pieces of automobile machineries, I am referring to the unwelcoming entrepreneur toddler gimmicks that are plaguing our roads! Sure we grown adults (yes, I am now 21, a legal adult in any state) don't fall for these silly things, at least the sensible ones of us. But we need to do our part in boo-ing and eliminating eventually the cancer of the highways. Let me begin by taking a look at a few number of these things.

The SEGWAY - Granted, these things are pretty sweet. No pushing, no sweating, no danger of falling off at high speeds, but let's face it. These things are lazy lazy lazy! You've got two legs there pal. You're even using them like you normally do almost standing up and leaning backwards and forwards. The only thing this saves you from doing is lifting your knees. They are everywhere in New York malls, cops ride them, pretty soon everyone will be riding one of these. Now I can see an occasional joy ride being in order every now and then, but please! Officers! Place down the coffee and doughnuts and get some jogging in.

"HEELYS" - These dangerous looking things are called "Heelys". You're probably thinking to yourself, "Hey! Those don't follow proper English phonetic rules!" Right you are. Well, let's look at the geniuses who came up with the name - I wonder what they were thinking when they came up with the concept for these bad boys. "How would it be if we could attach some sort of banana peel to the bottom of a shoe allowing them to slip and fall whenever they want to?" Well this is exactly what you have! I feel sorry for the young tat who straps these wheelers on his feet. When one sees a banana peel on the ground (the dangerous things they are), who would think to themselves, "I ought to jump right on that and slide around!" Common sense, of course, screams no no no! Yet, these seemingly stylish shoes prove to be a monkey-hand trap. Kids, you must detach these death-bearers on wheels no matter how stylish they are, and I am willing to bet that your life expectancy will shoot through the roof.

RIPSTIK. What in the world is this thing? A skateboard? A two-wheeled ticket to the hospital? Get this. It is in fact both of those things wrapped into ONE - the Ripstik. We can see that the phonetics are also very skewed on this one as well - who names these things? The same maniac who pockets a few bucks as the kids ride their way to the ER. What are the dangers of riding these things, you may be thinking to yourself. One, let's think about this. Take your skateboard, brake it in the middle so it can twist a little, and then take two wheels off of it. Good idea? I think not. Two, come on. Really? And three, this thing really doesn't look that cool. If you want to look cool, take your torn up skateboard, or your bike. Something traditional. Let's not be silly here.

Well, I hope I have swayed some of you from purchasing some of the rather ludicrous wheeled items on the market, no matter who tells us what a good deal it is. It's not the $9.99 you should be worried about; but lameness, danger, and more lameness is the real price you pay - and good sirs, there comes not a receipt with those from which you can return your dignity.