Monday, December 27, 2010


So there is one thing I really do not get. Our fascination with the Cavemen. I hate Cavemen! They simply are not that cool! Can they play in jazz combos? Can they paintball? Can they even talk or tell funny jokes? NO! They cannot! What is it with you people!? You fawn over these prehistoric beings as if they are the next Brad Pitts! You put them on TV shows! Commercials! Movies! Use them for mascots! What the heck! They are dead for heaven sakes! They are extinct, they are dead and gone which is where they belong!

There is one movie that is coming out that infuriates me. I'm sure you guys have seen the previews of 10,000 BC. Stupid, stupid, stupid! Number ONE: Cavemen can't talk! Number TWO: Cavemen are ugly! Number THREE: The Sabertoothed Tiger is WAYYY out of proportion! Number FOUR: The pyramids didn't even EXIST in 10,000 BC! Number FIVE: Cavemen suck! Number SIX: Cavemen do NOT know how to play the digerido! Number SEVEN: It's just lame! They are not heroic, they kill things mercilessly and slaughter those helpless Egyptians in the movie for WHAT! A barbaric good time. Yes, go right ahead and take your kids to this movie, SHOW them what an embarassment humanity was in the infant stages, SHOW them how to be bloodthirsty jerks! Cavemen stink, they don't shower, they can't do basic math and they are all around just stupid. Just because you happen to out number a group of people building limestone towers in the desert doesn't mean you are great and mighty. That just means you were not playing Queensbury rules.

Another cavemen thing I'm not too fond of is the Flinstones. These guys are okay I guess, but come on! What kind of dinosaur would allow itself to be strapped up in a cutesly saddle and lift rocks for 8-hour shifts 5 days a week? None! Dinosaurs are dangerous, evil people! Cavemen clearly didn't have any say about whether or not they would allow them to ride on them or force them into slavery. Strangely enough, there is also a pelican found in that show, and according to the latest laws of evolution, the pelican came millions of years later. Huh, come to think of it so did the humans!

Remember these guys? They were offended with the comment "So easy even a caveman could do it." Shut up! Don't waste our time pretending these jerks are still alive and kicking, because they are not. Geico wasted millions of dollars into making a stupid commerical that turned out to be an even worse spinoff TV show that flopped in the first week of its showing. Surprise surprise, no one likes cavemen, at least I am not the only one.

So you say that I seem to have an unreasonable hatred for these guys. I sure do! Sue me! How do we even know that they even existed! Sure we see mummies from 10,000-15,000 years ago, but last time I checked both the sabre toothed tiger and the dinosaur were both extinct by that time. Get with the program people! Cavemen stink! Don't see 10,000 BC, don't support this quickly fading fad. Dont make a fool of yourself or you will definately look back in sheer terror and regret remembering how simply you were swayed by some stupid movie with flashy effects. I warn you: it is a one-sided fascination. Cavemen are heartless, selfish losers. End of story.

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