Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Surviving the Dentist's Office

We've all had nightmares of them as children.  For a good reason too.  What little kid likes to see a frayed-hair imp hop over and stick his mystery metal instruments into areas where candy should go?  You are strapped in that chair.  The door is closed so the only ones who can hear your screams are potential victims held hostage in the sinister "waiting room."  If only, you think to yourself, if I just read the Daily Chronicler today about how to survive the dentist.  Wipe those tears from your rosy cheeks, my man!  The dentist can assuredly be conquered with some practice and diligent training.

600 hours - Time to Awake.

This is the dreaded day.  Don't you worry - strap on your best jeans and bullet-proof vest (just in case).  Items that would be preferable for you to grab: your pistol, some flares, a grappling hook, tweezers and dynamite.  If you don't own any of the following items, get some.  Be sure to bring anything else dangerous or spy-ish that you might own.

800 hours - The "Waiting Room"

That old receptionist smiles at you trying to lull you into a sense of false security.  Don't buy it!  Stare her down and maybe mutter some choice words as you back away, keeping your hand on your gun.  She just may be packing heat herself.  You never know with these dentist types.

830 hours - The Chair

Just like those good days in Nam, you can't let those Vietnamese strap you into anything!  You can play by their rules, but the minute they force you to do something, you run out that door.  Don't look back.  In the event they do strap you down and lock the door, never break.  You can't compromise your mission - operation don't let those funny shaped metal things scrape your teeth!

900 hours - The Big Man

He rolls around like he knows what he's doing.  Here's his strategy.  He'll talk cute to you, "Did you go fishing this weekend?  How's your mom doing!"  You mouth off to him and don't let him know anything!  You're onto him.  You're not going to play his little game, let alone let him know your mother is a prisoner of war, just like you if you unfortunately have made it to this stage!  Step two of the dentists sinister scheme: get his fingers in your mouth.  He'll soften the idea of sticking whatever he wants in there.  See, look - he says - my fingers don't bite.  Everything will be okay!  Red flag!  Red flag!

Remember this very valuable rule: Every SINGLE time a dentist says, "Everything will be okay" or "You might feel a little bit of pain" you are in for some torture.  Do everything you can to flee from the scene.  Perhaps you can squirt that little water fountain in his face, or light some flares.

1030 hours - The Prison Release

Well, mission failed soldier.  He strapped that laughing gas on you and they went to town. Boy are you going to be sore for the next couple of weeks!

But this never forget.  You may have lost the battle, but you have not lost the war.


  1. I just wanted to comment that I commented on your waterpark article. And now I'm the first to comment here

  2. How did the daily chronicler know I was having dental problems?!?! Mr. Mackey is a true friend to people in need everywhere! Mackey for president!!!