Wednesday, December 29, 2010

A Decent Food Review: Snackeries

"Blech!  That was single-handedly the worst package of Oreo knock-offs I've eaten in my life!"  "Jolly Moses! Was that a gummy bear or a tooth?"  You may or may not have heard people yell these exclamations after eating a nasty package of knock-off treats, whether in the cafeteria or in the emergency room.  Your pupils dilate!  Your palms get sweaty!  "What if that happens to me!?" starts to race through everyone's mind.  "If only there were but a few pointers of what nasty foods and treats I can avoid!"

Before you, reader, begin to scream in horror, take a deep breath.  Go take a drink of water.  Because I have analyzed here some of the most common snackeries that you may or may not find yourself subject to eating within the near future.  

Pre-Made Rice Krispie Treats

Well aren't these the American favorite.  Don't even have to get your lazy butt of your futon and throw marshmallows and cereal into a mixing bowl anymore.  What is this world coming to!  The homemade snackery we all know and love called Rice Krispie Treats are delicious.  But this prepackaged nonsense will be sure to send glass-like shards of evil cascading down your esophagus!  Forget the chewy factor; try chipping a corner of one of these off without first it chipping your tooth.  Avoid these at all costs!

Tootsie Rolls

These are okay,  if you like to snack mediocre.  True story: they invented tootsie rolls by taking all of the extra junk that comes off of other candy bars - the left overs.  So in short, these are the hot dogs of the candy world.  Maybe if you douse it in mustard it would make it a little more interesting... If you're trying to impress your date, throw in something a little more classy than this look-at-me-I'm-too-cheap-to-buy-a-real-candy snackery.


Some scientists speculate that nerds are merely those funny colored rocks taken from the bottom of aquariums with some sugar thrown on them.  I think that's about all you need to know about these.  Again, if you're going for the cheap-o motif, spot on.  Buy gallons of these at least, don't embarrass yourself and get those hockey fun-sized candies that wouldn't suffice as chicken feed.

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