Monday, January 17, 2011

How to Make a Grand Entrance

It tingles.  It sensationalizes.  It tears.  It inspires.

The smoke rises up and hazes the room.  Lasers flicker and zwoosh in fantastical shapes and patterns.  Gray clouds!  Green!  Yellow!  Flying sharks!  Then you look up at the ceiling and a hole is blasted through with a dynamitious force!  Then he comes down.  A long haired demi-god thunderously flings his oh so masculine fingers across the neck of the electric guitar as he wafts to the floor on a cloud of epicostrousy!  The divine muse reverberates throughout the entire world and thunder strikes!  Snakes fall from the ceiling!

Can you feel it, readers?  Can you taste it?  The glory emanating from that dear sire as he electrifies scores of fans by the power of his GRAND ENTRANCE?  It sends goosebumps from my hands to my kneecaps!  Can you imagine what kind of power you would possess if you could harness this fantastic power as your own?  Harness it, dear reader, and ride your glory stallion across the finish line of fame!  With a grand entrance, you are BOUND to get a promotion, find some readers for your blog, or impress that boy next door.  Or girl.

There are some noteworthy cousins of the grand entrance I'm sure we all have heard of before such as parkour, free falling, or perhaps even tap dancing.  But there simply is nothing to match the sheer power of the power entrance.  Maybe you've tried a few times yourself, donning a cape and leaping from tall obstructions only to receive a lukewarm applause.  How do you capitalize on these magic moments?  Because they are rare and hard to truly pull off.

Some general guidelines:

  • Music makes the entrance.  If you pick something lame like, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" or "Beethoven's 2nd Symphony," then you should probably hope you're making an entrance to a little girl's birthday party or something.  Pick a power ballad!  A face-shredding guitar solo is a MUST when you blast your way into the room!
  • The outfit is a key part in making a first impression.  Even if you pick a rockin' song, let's say "The Final Countdown" with a huge laser show to go with it, if you come in with socks and flip flops wearing your helicopter pajamas, that will probably have the adverse affect.  Man!  You want something that wows!  Something that blows minds!!  A tuxedo at least!  Please!  A cape as mentioned above is also an excellent neck apparatus that will leave the audience talking about you for the rest of the year.
  • Uniqueness of the venue merits bonus points.  Let's make sure we're not cliche busting in on rich people parties all the time, or on crime scenes.  No sir!  Try some new places!  A Star Trek convention would be an ideal place to try.  Another suggestion of mine: Try the Renaissance fair!  Use real lute players!  People with pointy hats should dance!  And as the medieval music starts rolling and fried turkey thighs are being tossed around, down comes the laser horse from the moon as you do 16 back flips out of it landing on an erupting volcano (of course, while playing the electric guitar).  I almost seize myself thinking about this beautiful scenario playing in my mind.
Well, there you have it, chumps!  Remember, if you want to impress anyone, if you want to boost your self esteem, or even if you're bored, this is definitely the way to go.  Go go go!

*Guitar-shredding solo* 

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