Saturday, January 15, 2011
Thou Art the Movie Theatre!
But amidst the glamor and fanstasticalness of being a movie theatre, you sure do have some downsides. People spit on you, they throw their garbage on you, and by Caesar's sash they even make out thanklessly in your splendid glory! How can you truly bring happiness to all who step within your sanctimoneous doors when people aren't willing to cooperate?
So thus saith the movie theatre: The Six Commandments of Going to See a Motion Picture:
2) Thou shalt not make movies that have music that doesn't go with the movie at all. This one makes me angry! I was watching an animated movie or another about rescuing some girl, and some song comes on from Cake about building a religion! This makes NO sense! So stop it!
3) Thou shalt not be make-outy or cuddly in the middle of the movie theatre. That's what the back row was made for, so you sickening couples don't make people who are going through break ups feel like strangling themselves. Break ups are very hard you know!
4) Thou shalt not make annoying commentaries throughout the movie. You may think you're real sly predicting the surprise ending 10 minutes into the movie, but really everyone is ready to jump on you and slap a piece of duct tape around your mouth. Shush!
5) Thou shalt not complain about how the book was so much better than the movie. You can take a hike and lock yourself in a library and suffocate yourself with books for all we care! Beat it!
6) Thou shalt not be lengthy in your selection of candies and sugar treats. Because, man, you suck! We know those lines that stretch three times around the movie theatre are oh so boring. Pick, pick, pick! No more of your shenanigans!
Well, thus saith the movie theatre. Please be kind. Remember our dear friend rarely takes breaks or anything! Scratch his back, and he'll scratch yours.