Saturday, January 15, 2011

Thou Art the Movie Theatre!

Mmmmmmm!  You are a movie theatre.  You have a warm glow while somehow mysteriously always being a little cold to the touch.  You know, you may get a little sticky, your seats may get some gum on the underside, and you think to yourself, "Man!  Do I need a long shower!"  No fear, dear movie-theatre friend!  We all love you.  So much in fact we hire little dudes to come sponge-bath you after each long, hard day of work you put in.  Don't we all wish we could have that ourselves!  Man, you have got it nice!  You get your blood-line of candy restocked by the minute, those entertaining movies are yours to command - wowie!

But amidst the glamor and fanstasticalness of being a movie theatre, you sure do have some downsides.  People spit on you, they throw their garbage on you, and by Caesar's sash they even make out thanklessly in your splendid glory!  How can you truly bring happiness to all who step within your sanctimoneous doors when people aren't willing to cooperate?

So thus saith the movie theatre: The Six Commandments of Going to See a Motion Picture:

1) Thou shalt not laugh at the really stupid jokes and movie commercials.  You know who I'm talking about - the joker who loses his cool and guffaws at the lamest slap stick (and even knock knock) jokes no matter what they are.  You sir, the laughing menace, really cheese people off, so knock it off!

2) Thou shalt not make movies that have music that doesn't go with the movie at all.  This one makes me angry!  I was watching an animated movie or another about rescuing some girl, and some song comes on from Cake about building a religion!  This makes NO sense!  So stop it!

3) Thou shalt not be make-outy or cuddly in the middle of the movie theatre.  That's what the back row was made for, so you sickening couples don't make people who are going through break ups feel like strangling themselves.  Break ups are very hard you know!

4) Thou shalt not make annoying commentaries throughout the movie.  You may think you're real sly predicting the surprise ending 10 minutes into the movie, but really everyone is ready to jump on you and slap a piece of duct tape around your mouth.  Shush!

5) Thou shalt not complain about how the book was so much better than the movie.  You can take a hike and lock yourself in a library and suffocate yourself with books for all we care!  Beat it!

6) Thou shalt not be lengthy in your selection of candies and sugar treats.  Because, man, you suck!  We know those lines that stretch three times around the movie theatre are oh so boring.  Pick, pick, pick!  No more of your shenanigans!

Well, thus saith the movie theatre.  Please be kind.  Remember our dear friend rarely takes breaks or anything!  Scratch his back, and he'll scratch yours.

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