Friday, January 14, 2011

Not the Hiccups!

Hiccups are one of the most evil curses to plague mankind.  They are truly infuriating: no one likes being snickered at by their student peers while giving an intellectual discussion.  Hiccups are sure sneaky stinkers.  How does one overcome these Satan-spawned headaches when it falls upon oneself?  Well, you see there are a few things you really ought to know about those miserable hiccups before you put that noose around your neck. They are indeed curable!

Now in order to defeat these nasty things, you must first know that there are two variates of hiccups: the hiccup bout and the hiccup intractable.  The most common sort is the first - the hiccup bout.  Nasty hiccup demons sneak into your esophagus and cause you to hiccup for but a little bit.  So here is one solution to the problem: take the spiritual route and learn some good ol' fashioned patience: in the words of Ok GO, "This too shall pass."  Don't sweat it!  Now in the dangerous event you need to snipe someone and you can't hold your gun still, or you're about to have an egg-balancing race for Easter, you need to get rid of these darn hiccups and get rid of them right NOW!  Cripes!  Here are but a few remedies that you can try: breath into a paper bag, eat a spoonful of sugar, take a large drink of water, stuff an apple in your mouth and try to whistle, or gargle boiling water.  That last one works wonders!

Now if you find yourself with that noose around your neck, not sure how to beat your hiccup intractable (a hiccup that can last multiple years), you may need to take a more dramatic approach.  You may need to get surgery there dear friend.  There are also some medicines that you can try, so it looks like after you've had the hiccups for a couple of months you just may need to call in for the doctor (please refer to Surviving the Dentist article and use the same principles).  Hospitals sure may not be pretty as we've seen in all sorts of horror movies, but they sure can do some good sometimes.  Please do note, there have been actual deaths due to intractable hiccups!  Not giving this medical attention is a fool's move!  And if you may find yourself complaining, "Oh why me!  Why was I born!?" and so on, take heart!  There has been a case from Charles Osborne who hiccuped his way right through six decades, from 1922-1990.  If he can live a normal life riddled with those pesky hiccups, I believe that you can too.

Some fun facts about hiccups:

Pope Pius XII had long fits of hiccups.  Fortunately hiccups did not kill him, but a stroke.

If you have an animal that has hiccups, let it be!  Some believe that hiccups in animals signify the start of a growth spurt.

There is a killer Italian TV show called Mr. Hiccup who falls into unfortunate (and sometimes mischievous!) circumstances due to his intractable hiccups.  This TV show is a huge hit!  Grown men cry!

In 1833 the first medical treatment was given for regular hiccups: burning and scalding nerves that run along the neck.  Needless to say, we do not dabble with such dangerous black magic medicines nowadays.

There is no scientific proof showing that when someone thinks about you then you start hiccuping.  Because I know people think about me all the time, and I NEVER hiccup.

Dinosaurs probably didn't hiccup.  Despite this picture.

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