Thursday, January 27, 2011

Things You Should Have Known By Now from Other Scary Movies

BooBoo is a cuddle-fish!Imagine yourself in the newest horror movie.  You're in a dark tunnel, and there are doors everywhere.  There is a killer clown who wants to take a cheese grater to your neck and have at it!  By thunder of Thor!  There's no stop button this time, bucko!  No turning on lights, no boyfriend or pet parrot to cuddle with, so what in the world do you do?  You don't want to wind up as a grated topping on a terror salad!

Here are a few tips on surviving your Scary Movie situation.

First, if there is blood on a door or you think a psycho killer is in a room, don't be an idiot and barge in!  We all scream at the TV "Don't go in there!  You know darn well he's going to knife you up the wazoo!"  You may think you're brave, maybe you thought your charm would win him over or who knows what idiotic thing is flashing through your mind.  Busting that door open is bursting open your lid to your own casket.  See footprints of blood leading to the door?  Take my advice friend, and let it be!

Next, remember if there is anyone in the shower or bathtub, whether it be you or your hot ex, get them out!  Out out out!  I can't recall a single scary movie where someone who took a warm bathing escapade and survived.  Trust me, until things settle down stick with the spongebaths and hand sanitizer.  There truly is nothing worse than having a wonderful fudgilicous shower enjoying every second of your water-treated experience, only for it to end with soap scum and your blood draining down the pipe.  No sir!  That will be sure to ruin your day a little!

If you know about something that is supernatural and doesn't want to be bugged, then don't bug it!  Do you have a rake that floats around and smashes itself around in the shed?  You better chain up that shed there buddy, before that mysterious rake satanically pistol whips you in the kneecaps!  Let it do it's own thing there in the shed.  There have been too many blundering idiots who march around their house and peek into those haunted basements or cursed bathrooms where the screams of she-who-must-not-be-named come out of every full moon.

I think the best way I can wrap all of this advice into one big statement could be: be cool.  If you keep your head and don't act like a drama queen then I think everything will be okay.  You will get away from that serial killer, as long as you, unlike many other once-living heroes of horror movies do, stay AWAY from the source of trouble and let them have their space!

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